AIBU to hate DPs family referring to my DD as theirs?

[RainyJane]

Sorry for the rambling, this is my first post!

I have 6 month old twin girls and one of my twins has complex health issues. I am her full time carer and do everything for her (obviously) including all her medical care. She has spent most of her life in hospital and I stay with her whilst also having the other twin with me as I breastfeed.

Recently she had a heart attack and stopped breathing, I performed CPR and she was rushed into emergency open heat surgery. I am extremely protective of my children, they came 10 weeks early and have both had a lot of challenges in their short lives.

Whilst I love my DP and they are a great parent, they are not as involved as I am. However recently their family has started posting lots of stuff in facebook referring to DD as theirs? For example, before I've even posted anything saying: My beautiful 'babies name' has come out of surgery and is okay, thank you so much everyone for calling me and seeing if I'm okay

This is my MIL, both of my DP grandmothers and is now spreading through their family - aunts, family friends etc!!

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? She is my daughter and I care for her!!!

OP you sound as if you have been through the mill, really hope that your d d's health improves. I think (understandably) YABU and your anger is being misplaced. Calling someone 'my' does not usually denote ownership when talking about a child, in our family all of the boys get called 'son', it is a turn of phrase/endearment, no one is claiming ownership.
I would be more annoyed about your DPs pandering to wider family drama and the social media posting without permission.

I also find the dynamic odd. In this case I would not be keeping a healthy twin with me in hospital just to breastfeed it. I'm surprised if is even allowed. Ds has been hospitalised many times and it is often 'parents only' due to risk of infection. I don't think the setup sounds fair for the OP or the other twin.

"My" is a placeholder for a lot of emotions there isn't it. Sounds like you resent them claiming any relationship when they've not done the grinding hard work bits. Which I totally get. Framing your feelings as being about them saying "my" though is probably going to make them think you're unreasonable.

I've been a caregiver but not to a premie baby whilst also feeding her twin. You must be under the most extraordinary amount of strain. Is there any help available for you? HV, respite care, social worker, psychologist, anything? I'm sure you CAN keep this up; people manage amazing things when there's no choice, but you shouldn't HAVE to.

Also if you let yourself crack a bit and let out some of the feelings, you may find people (or The System) get it together to help out. Squeaky wheels get oil; it's ok to be a squeaky wheel.

It sounds like you're doing the donkey work and they're doing the drama. Try not to let it get to you - ask for the support you need and keep going, you're doing great.

I'm so sorry your DD is so poorly

I think your ILs behaviour is flat out outrageous and yes, attention seeking/drama-loving/poor me I've had similar so your post has really touched a nerve (can you tell?! )

Where is DP in all this? Where is she in terms of caring for DDs and where is she in terms of her response to her family's behaviour as both of those seem fairly critical in trying to ascertain how best to advise you IYSIM?

I'm with another PP as I've literally never said this before but I can't help but think maybe it's time to stop breastfeeding your other DD. It will make it easier to legit ask others to step up and care for her and also she's about to start getting very mobile and I can't see how on earth you will manage with that as you (understandably) sound stretched to breaking point already. Would you maybe think about stopping BF her? Is DP supportive in terms of the children's care generally so able to take over bottle feeding her at home whilst you're at the hospital? DP's role in all of this including whether she is or is not calling the others out on their posts, does seem fairly pivotal.

Can't believe none of them are offering you practical support yet receiving it themselves, that is a total piss take.

You are under a lot of strain. For me, the issue would be twofold, over emotional responses if you are not an outwardly emotional person are trying at the very least, and more importantly, I would definitely ask them not to post updates on social media. This is a situation of worry not public bulletins. If the child is loved and part of the family, of course she should refer to her as "my"

I don’t have grandchildren yet, but when I do, I can’t imagine calling them mine, without adding grandchild, because I know that a child’s parents are more closely related m than the grandparents are.

If I were the MIL in this situation, I might (with the approval of the parents) say something like “My lovely grandchild has come through surgery and is doing well. Please keep them and their parents in your thoughts”.

Grandparents have the right to be worried and stressed in this circumstance, and to want support from their friends, but they don’t have the right to make it all about them.

I think it was on here, but I read about the theory of concentric circles, when it comes to caring for someone who is ill. At the centre is the person who is ill. The first circle out is the people who are closest - parents of a sick child, spouse of a sick adult, child of a sick adult etc. The next circle out is the people who aren’t as close as the immediate family - grandparents, best friends, siblings of an adult who has a partner and children - and so on, moving away from the ill person in spiegeleisen of closeness.

Basically you offer support inwards and ask for support outwards - so the parents of a sick child are there to support the child, and ask for support from the grandparents. The grandparents can ask for support from their friends/siblings, but can’t demand support from the child’s parents - they should only be offering support inwards.

I hope this makes sense.

So the OP’s MIL is not wrong to be turning to her friends for support, because she is going to be worried and stressed about her dgc - but she shouldn’t be usurping the OP’s position, or adding to her stress at a very difficult time.

I've done caring for a poorly child and their healthy sibling in hospital before (12 month age gap). The hardest times of my life. If my mil was posting on facebook and getting more support than me it would have tipped me over the edge. It's so hard when you have a child with a chronic illness, especially when you have other children as well.

I think the issue is you resent the care & sympathy MIL receives & gives DW when she goes to her, mainly because you don't appear to have this in your own life.

That's how they are, they are a much closer knit family than you're used to or comfortable with. It's not anything to resent tbh. They care & that's all that really matters. Hope your little one is ok now!

Ps I don't think stopping breastfeeding would help much. I'm assuming that if the dp could look after the well twin at home then she could also be at the hospital helping with both. I find that it's easier to be at the hospital with a sick child, a well one and another adult than to be on my own in hospital with a sick child. Mostly because you can have a bit of support, swap roles, one of you can take the well child to get food etc. I'm assuming the dp is at work as they still need to eat, pay mortgage or rent etc.

I did think at first you was being a bit OTT and then I remembered my own mother posting something similar about my dd when she was in hospital

Dd was taken in with severe bronchitis at 13 months and needed IV antibiotics as well as a nebuliser. She was in for 4 days. My mum never visited once but was happy enough to post all over fb about how “my darling granddaughter was in hospital’ and “my beautiful granddaughter has had this today” and she was getting loads of “oh my god hun. Hope she’s ok”

Meanwhile me and dh were sleeping in the hospital room watching poor dd being poked and prodded.

Yanbu OP

It’s fine for her to be concerned but there’s no need to post about it on fb

If she really wanted to do something, she could look after twin 2, or provide some food for the family instead of sob storying

Ignoring how attentions seeking it could be seen, I would hate that all my daughter's private health problems where plastered all over the internet for all to see.
I would be asking for that to be stoped straight away.
Could it be though they feel insecure about the fact they are not biologically related to your daughter, so they are over compensating for all to see.
Either way I would be asking for it to be stopped.
How does dp feel about it all?

@rainyjane my Mother is like them. She is a grief succubus. It all becomes about her as it's the only way she can relate and feel part of it without realising she isn't actually supposed to be part of it. They're supposed to be the support network. Primarily she is your Daughter first and they should be supporting you and your DP - not grief porning it all over social media.

Yanbu.
You are having the most stressful and frightening time and yet here is your MIL making it all about HER. I can't believe she is getting people to make her meals, she should be redirecting all the support to you rather than sucking it all up for herself.
I would be seriously pissed off too.

I absolutely get you about the incorrect usage of 'my' here. Without the words 'grandchild' or 'niece' or similar it's implying that your baby is theirs not yours and your wife's. I'm so glad Facebook wasn't around in a big way when my premature twins were in SCBU!

Very best wishes xx

YANBU. MIL is attention seeking.

Hope your daughter's health improves soon

I’m 8.5 months pg and my family regularly text me to say ‘please look after OUR baby’. It pisses me off so much. It’s a tiny thing I know.

@GunpowderGelatine

"its funny isn't it, mine is the same, refers to my children as "hers" yet was a shit mum and a shit grandma. She also posts things on Facebook along the lines of "Share this if your grandchildren are the best thing ever". It's like the over compensate isn't it!"

I think my Mother does love our daughter but mostly I think views her as a doll like she did us. When she's done playing with it she just puts it back on the shelf and ignores it...except that doesn't work as well with a human being.

Mine also puts annoying stuff up on social media. 🙄

It definitely is the use of 'my' that bothers me

I know you're irritated and I get why, but to be fair, most people have individual FB accounts, not joint. It's therefore correct to refer to 'my' rather than 'their' or 'our' if the post isn't inserted on a joint account.