AIBU to hate DPs family referring to my DD as theirs?

[RainyJane]

Sorry for the rambling, this is my first post!

I have 6 month old twin girls and one of my twins has complex health issues. I am her full time carer and do everything for her (obviously) including all her medical care. She has spent most of her life in hospital and I stay with her whilst also having the other twin with me as I breastfeed.

Recently she had a heart attack and stopped breathing, I performed CPR and she was rushed into emergency open heat surgery. I am extremely protective of my children, they came 10 weeks early and have both had a lot of challenges in their short lives.

Whilst I love my DP and they are a great parent, they are not as involved as I am. However recently their family has started posting lots of stuff in facebook referring to DD as theirs? For example, before I've even posted anything saying: My beautiful 'babies name' has come out of surgery and is okay, thank you so much everyone for calling me and seeing if I'm okay

This is my MIL, both of my DP grandmothers and is now spreading through their family - aunts, family friends etc!!

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? She is my daughter and I care for her!!!

I think I’d prefer the ‘my’ to a lack of any interest.

I had to ask DPs family to leave the hospital at one point because they all turned up and where hysterical. This was prior to the recent heart attack and was when she was hospitalised for another illness. But during this time, I could have really used someone being strong and taking my other DD for a few hours so I can focus on sick daughter. But they refused

After reading this I can see why you feel the way you do, OP. I really can.

None of them offered to step up and give any real help?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like this is simply a case of you and your partners families responding very differently to situations emotionally with both being at extreme ends of the spectrum. I would just try to remind yourself nobody is trying to be offensive and if that helps them then leave them to it and you just focus on what you need to do

I’m sorry you have had such a hard time, I hope your daughter is okay.

I can 100% see where you are coming from. When you are the person who has to just get on with it, it must be annoying to find that the extended family are the ones getting/ asking for sympathy. Even if they are well meaning.

Can you talk to your partner about this if it is upsetting you?

It’s definitely wrong of them to write a Facebook post about your baby without consulting you first. It’s not up to them to publicise your daughter’s life and I’d personally take great issue with it.

YANBU to find the whole 'my" thing on Facebook over the top - it really is. I hate that people post on social media things which immediate family have chosen not to - I've lost track of the number of friends DC whose births have been announced via some cousin or aunt on social media. Not your child, not your place to post on Facebook when it comes to health and illness.

Firstly, sorry you're going through this and I hope things get better with DD soon.

I wouldn't be worrying about the Facebook posts and the exact terminology people are using. I would be more concerned that you don't seem to be getting much practical or emotional support at what sounds like an awful time. At the very least, your DP ought to be taking on more and ideally, so should her parents.

I wonder if your MiL gets people making dinners for her and everything because she makes a fuss (which she's entitled to do, she probably is v upset too), whereas you're trying to be strong and no one realises you could do with some help? They probably ought to realise, but people can be surprisingly slow on the uptake or just not know what to do or say. I'd try making some specific, tangible requests for help.

If the posts really, really bother you, maybe you could ask your DP to have a quiet word with her family about it, but I'd honestly focus your limited energy reserves elsewhere if you possibly can.

I agree with @AngelaSchrute and other PPs.
Maybe your DP can have a quiet word.

Obviously it's very stressful for you that goes without saying and you're naturally going to feel possessive of them but those feeling don't stop with just you.

It's just words. From a grandparent extremely worried about her grandchild. Would you prefer she didn't care?

This is not the first thread where I've seen someone annoyed by usage of "my".

The word "my" doesn't necessarily mean the object in question belongs only to the person using it. I might talk about "my doctor", I wouldn't be outraged if I discovered that there were other people also claiming to be his patients.

Now you have clarified the family set up. I agree with PP that they could be over compensating and are trying to prove that they absolutely see her as their family member. I think they are well meaning and you should try to take it in the spirit it was intended.

I think the comments thanking people for checking on her are misplaced however and really quite annoying given what you have said.

I generally think it's crass to refer to any child as belonging to you - BUT in your case YANBU, your DD relies entirely on your knowledge and expertise of her and I completely understand your point and I don't think you're being sensitive at all

It's the attention seeking that’s the hard part I think rather than the use of my really. Sounds like you’re managing to get through an incredibly difficult time with not a lot of support for you.

This is one of the many reasons I hate Facebook and other social media.

What your family are doing is essentially attention seeking; of course they care about your daughter, but is there really any need for constant updates to people on the internet? Surely the people who need to know will be informed by phone, in person etc.

I get why you're pissed off op, unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about it

for you

They refused to give you any real help yet run their gums and beat their breasts in public?

Yadnbu I would be commenting any chance of throwing some home cooked meals my way? I am stuck in hospital with (babies name)

Do you always refer to 'my' babies instead of 'ours'? Is this a sub-conscious way of them rebalancing?

I hope they're supportive of YOU as your DD's mother OP and aren't just posturing on social media.

I would t be bothered by the use of ‘my’, but I’d be extremely bothered by your MIL making it about her and her feelings, using it to create drama and get attention on social media.

I had a similar situation with one of mine. In hospital for several months after birth and in hospital as often as out for the first few years with several major operations. Generally very poorly and a lot of work. At some point I found out my IL’s had a monthly newsletter going about my child they distributed to all and sundry (god knows who really) in which they seemed to put themselves in the thick of the action. Fuck knows what they put in it, neither are Dr’s so I shudder to think. They also lived several hours away and rarely saw us. Anyway it was really really weird but I honestly couldn’t think any further than that at the time. Surely just put your dilemma in the ‘weird but who gives a fuck’ basket as you have more pressing worries?

Crikey, they refused to give you some time alone with your sick dd. This needs to be addressed quite urgently actually as your other twin is not going to be ok to continue to stay in hospital for long periods of time for very much longer.

They all sound pathetic. Including your dp. Sorry. Do you want to call them out pubically? Afterall they have no respect for your needs.

“Will you please stop posting online about my daughter. I do not like you complaining about how hard it is you when I have no physical and emotional support.”

On loop. Until they get the message. Try it firstly via text and if it continues over Facebook.

It bothers me when my Mother refers to our daughter as "her baby" or "my baby". My husband and I made her and I gave birth to her she is my Mother's grand-baby not her baby.

I may be more sensitive though because my Mother was pretty terrible at being a Mother.

@BackInRed its funny isn't it, mine is the same, refers to my children as "hers" yet was a shit mum and a shit grandma. She also posts things on Facebook along the lines of "Share this if your grandchildren are the best thing ever". It's like the over compensate isn't it!

the bit about not helping you is worse tbh-u need support not people running around crying

i call myh niece my girl on sm my dsis doesnt seem to have a problem with it shes my only niece and i feel shes my family not in a push u out of the way thing

Or, “Thanks so much for all the love. We know how much help we’re going to need when DD comes home and it’s amazing to know we’ll have the support of her loving family. You guys are the best!”

Why would you ask dp's family to take dd for a while and not dp? The twin should be her responsibility while the other twin is critical. If she finds looking after the twin hard on her own then SHE could ask her family to help out. I'm not quite understanding the dynamics of the relationship. I never thought I would ever say this but maybe time to stop breast-feeding the twin? To give yourself a complete break and concentrate on the poorly twin.