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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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29 replies

Raven888 · 03/11/2018 09:06

NC to avoid being identified.

My partner works for a huge company, but the department he's in is very male dominated, and he works closely with a team of around six men.

I've came to learn they all chat to each other in a WhatsApp group. He (my partner), became very secretive about his phone, covering up the screen etc. I bugged him about it a bit, and he admitted the guys in there share pictures/videos/things I "wouldn''t like to see". After a bit more pushing, he admitted it's porn, and even showed me some examples. I asked why, he said it's just for laughs/banter.

AIBU to think sharing porn videos with your colleagues is not normal? Partner says it's just a normal thing guys do but I've never heard of this before - I know (many) men watch porn, but I thought it was a private thing rather than a group/bonding activity Confused AIBU to ask him to stop/be uncomfortable with this?

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 03/11/2018 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopitandtidyupp · 03/11/2018 09:11

Rotten!!! I have known men do it but thankfully I don’t have these pathetic losers in my life anymore.

What sad acts!

Greatorb · 03/11/2018 09:30

Yabu to think it is not normal for men to share these things. Normally it will be in a factory/workshop/knuckledragger type environment. Doesn't make it right though.

SeasonOfTheCrone · 03/11/2018 09:33

@Greatorb Those factory/workshop knuckle draggers fix your car and produce the stuff you buy, where would you be without them?? Angry

stopitandtidyupp · 03/11/2018 09:37

I don't think it's exclusive to low paid jobs. My ex was in a professional environment and they all emailed porn around.

Being an idiot happens at all levels.

Greatorb · 03/11/2018 12:52

@SeasonOfTheCrone You're post makes no sense.

Greatorb · 03/11/2018 12:53

"Your" even

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 12:58

Greatorb that post absolutely makes sense. You're looking down your nose at people who work in lower paid jobs, basically saying they are all disgusting low lifes. That is not the case at all, in fact, ime the worst men for this sort of shit were high earners who had zero respect for women or anyone else.

Hunlife · 03/11/2018 13:04

Greatorb what an insufferable snob you must be.

MissionItsPossible · 03/11/2018 13:09

Yes, it’s normal. Yes, it’s degrading.
If he leaves the group he will likely be ostracised at work.

DifferentD35 · 03/11/2018 13:34

@SeasonOfTheCrone absolutely agree. My DP is in one of those types of jobs and whilst we have our issues, he's not one to send porn to his colleagues... I know people in my workplace who do and I am a fairly high earner in a professional job.

It's not exclusive to anyone or any career m imo...

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 03/11/2018 13:41

Pretty common to be fair - it is banter. Dont get worked up over it

Kittykat93 · 03/11/2018 13:48

@Greatorb

I am not usually a sensitive person but have to say your comment is incredibly insensitive. My partner works In one of the jobs you mentioned and I can safely say he's not a disgusting arsehole who sends these types of videos. He's a complete gentleman and is intelligent, despite not having a 'high flying' city job.

What a judgemental person you are.

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 13:57

@Greatorb

FYI, the most pervy vile men I have encountered in my worklife, were not the men on the shop floor, or unskilled workers/assembly line workers, they were the middle management, half way up the career ladder, and some with a university degree.

One dirty bastard actually asked me what my husband's semen tastes like. There had been no mention of sex talk or anything. He called me into his office to get something that needed doing, and said he had a weird taste in his mouth, and I said 'have you been eating something funny?' He said 'only Lisa's pussy.' (His wife!) I went brght red, and started to walk out. Oh no nooed to feel shy he said 'we all have a taste don't we?' What does Steve taste like?

I sht you not. Dirty fucking bastard.

I said 'For Goodness sake!' and started to walk away. He laughed and said 'I love it when you go red, makes me horny. Think I'l have athrash to some porn when you're gone!'

Yep middle management with a university degree. So bore off with you nasty snobbery, and assuming all men who are pervy, are (in your eyes) 'lower class' and a 'bit thick!' Hmm

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 13:57

@Greatorb

FYI, the most pervy vile men I have encountered in my worklife, were not the men on the shop floor, or unskilled workers/assembly line workers, they were the middle management, half way up the career ladder, and some with a university degree.

One dirty bastard actually asked me what my husband's semen tastes like. There had been no mention of sex talk or anything. He called me into his office to get something that needed doing, and said he had a weird taste in his mouth, and I said 'have you been eating something funny?' He said 'only Lisa's pussy.' (His wife!) I went brght red, and started to walk out. Oh no nooed to feel shy he said 'we all have a taste don't we?' What does Steve taste like?

I sht you not. Dirty fucking bastard.

I said 'For Goodness sake!' and started to walk away. He laughed and said 'I love it when you go red, makes me horny. Think I'l have athrash to some porn when you're gone!'

Yep middle management with a university degree. So bore off with you nasty snobbery, and assuming all men who are pervy, are (in your eyes) 'lower class' and a 'bit thick!' Hmm

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 13:59

He said 'No NEED to feel shy.' (Not no nooed!) I bloody posted accidentally before I had spellchecked!

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 15:03

pippa999 God that makes me feel sick. I hope you walked straight out of his office and into HR

Bombardier25966 · 03/11/2018 15:06

@pippa999, do you work with Philip Greene? Sounds like the kind of thing he'd say. Vile little man that he is.

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 15:29

@Bombardier25966

LOL no it wasn't Philip Greene, and I no longer work with this vile git. It was quite a long time ago - early 1990's.

@DayManChampionOfTheSun

No I didn't go to HR. This may sound bad (to some) but at the time, he was really chummy with the Area Director, he had been there some 10 years and was really right with the right people, and it was his word against mine. I had reported sexual harassment in previous jobs (in the 1980s) and was either not believed or told to get a grip and it's just banter. I am sure many women here can say the same thing sadly...

So, I didn't say anything, as I was scared of not being believed, and being ousted out of my job. So I just did everything I could to avoid being alone with him. It wasn't the first time - or the last - that he had said things. At the time though, I thought it was a woman's lot to deal with this shit. And if you didn't want it to happen, then avoid being alone with any man you know has form for being a letch.

Sounds awful. And it was. I would not tolerate it now.

As I said, I am sure many other women will have a similar tale from the past.

I don't know where he is now. I hope he is in prison! Hmm

Sarahjconnor · 03/11/2018 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 15:34

Sorry, I meant he was really TIGHT with the right people!

Catmum26 · 03/11/2018 15:35

my husband is in a group chat with some of his work mates and they don’t necessarily share porn but they will google pornographic images and then crop the heads of each other on to them. it’s completely childish and ridiculous but it seems to keep my husband entertained for hours 🙄 i dont understand it myself

MawkishTwaddle · 03/11/2018 15:37

I've seen men share porn in a school staffroom. Scat porn.

I don't work at that school any more.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 15:50

pippa999 it sounds fucking awful, it is so shit that women feel this is what we have to put up with. But I'm sitting here thinking, I probably wouldn't have said anything either. How bad is that?

Maybe I would now, now that I am more confident I'm my work role and myself, but just starting out, I would absolutely have suffered this shit in silence

pippa999 · 03/11/2018 16:11

@DayManChampionOfTheSun

pippa999 it sounds fucking awful, it is so shit that women feel this is what we have to put up with. But I'm sitting here thinking, I probably wouldn't have said anything either. How bad is that?

Maybe I would now, now that I am more confident I'm my work role and myself, but just starting out, I would absolutely have suffered this shit in silence.

I know right. It was awful at the time, but yeah I did put up with it as I thought it was a woman's lot.

And like you, I would not put up with it now. It was early 1990's and I was quite young.