To be pissed off with dh?

[BathFullOfEels]

Dh works away mon-fri. We have 2 dc’s - a 6yo with ASD and a 2yo. I have a chronic health condition and although I manage to look after the boys on my own it’s an absolute slog and I feel constantly guilty about the things I can’t do with them as I’m simply too ill. We agreed dh would work away mon-fri as it’s his dream job, the pay is great and dc and I love the area we live in.

Anyway, we’re currently on dh’s second week of a 2 week holiday from work. First week was half term and we went away, this week we’re at home and ds1 is back at school. Dh hasn’t done one school run, he knows where ds’s school is but wouldn’t have a clue where his classroom is or his teachers name. He hasn’t joined ds2 and I on any days out or classes. He didn’t want to come and watch ds’s swimming lesson even though he’s never seen him swim. He hasn’t offered to make dinner, get the boys dressed, help out at night (ds1 is always up for at least an hour in the night). He would neither come trick or treating with us or open the door to any trick or treaters while we were out.

Instead he’s decided to pull the patio up. We are getting our garden landscaped in a couple of weeks and the quote includes having the patio pulled up. But dh has spent every minute pulling this fucking patio up at a snails pace because he finds it relaxing and he’s on holiday. He thinks we’ll get a massive discount on the gardening because he’s done this.

I think his second week off should be a few days of him doing what he wants and a few days of me doing the same. But apparently it’s his holiday and I’m always getting to do what I want.

I genuinely hate him right now. I have spent the last year on my absolute knees trying to keep everyone happy whilst I’m vomiting 5 times a day, in constant pain and permanently anemic. He was the one that wanted dc. I was always reluctant as I knew my health would always be a struggle. But he takes no interest in either me or his dc. If I leave I’ll just be poorer and get even less of a break.

[BathFullOfEels]

Sorry, I just wanted a rant really. Hmmph.

[Maelstrop]

YANBU. He needs a major wake up call. You’re looking after his kids mon£fri and on the holiday? He’s a massive piss taker and avoiding family responsibility by doing the patio. Idiot, I can understand why you’re fuming.

[IStandWithPosie]

I’m with you OP. He should have split the week, half to have his own break of doing whatever and then half to let you have your own break of doing whatever. When you’re married with two children (one with SN) you don’t get your whole holiday to do as you please!

[IStandWithPosie]

Does he realise that you’re working mon-fri 24/7 while he is away? Or does he think you’re just sitting with your feet up? Maybe you should leave him with the DC until Sunday evening and let him see how much work they are.

[Santaisgettingbusy]

Maybe when there is opportunity shove him under the new patio?
Seriously you need to shove him a rota under his nose. Take yourself off for a bath and lock the door.

[BathFullOfEels]

I would bloody love to shove him under the patio.

[IStandWithPosie]

Well he’s done the heavy working of lifting it for you!

In all seriousness, is a conversation with him likely to be fruitful? Or is it possible for you to go away until Sunday?

[Ginger1982]

I always tell my husband if he has a day off when DS has a class that he is coming with us as it's important for him to see what I get to see every week. But then I'm kind of the boss in my house re these sorts of things and DH likes to spend time with DS.

You need to have it out with your DH.

[FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones]

Have you spoken to him about it? What did you say when he said he was pulling the patio up. YANBU but I would be more firm. Let him know that it's important he comes to XYZ and does the school run (with you if necessary) so DS can show off his school to his dad.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I would say to him "I want you to look after both children for a full day, and do the things I would normally do that day (with the children and other things like housework, cooking etc) so that you realise exactly how hard I work when you are away, and how much I needed a bit of a break this week too. For the record, I don't get to do exactly what I want all the time, whilst you are away, because I am too busy slogging my guts out looking after the children and the house, and battling a chronic illness at the same time. Stop being so bloody selfish!!"

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Bum - italic fail - sorry.

[Forgotmycoat]

He's fully checked out of family life. Horrible horrible man. Ask him when's YOUR holiday? I don't blame you for hating him.

[EerieSilence]

honestly, he comes across as a total twat

[DarlingNikita]

I’m always getting to do what I want. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Is that what he calls looking after your children together and running the household?

Why didn’t he want to watch ds’s swimming lesson? Why does he not make dinner or dress his sons? Why will he not go trick or treating with his family? Have you asked him any of this?

[wannabestressfree]

What would happen if you went into hospital?

[MuddledMother]

Just a question, but has your husband got ASD? My partner has and can be rather bling to doing anything for anyone else. He looks after his own needs and lacks on perspective.

[pumpkinpie01]

I dont think he should be spending a single day doing just what he wants to do at all, he's an adult with responsibilities and a poorly wife who needs as break. He should have gone on every outing, he should have done the school run , he should have took son swimming, he should have cooked/taken you out for tea. He is their parent for gods sake, not an older sibling who can choose how much time they spend with their little brothers or sisters which is just what this reminds me of !

[BathFullOfEels]

He didn’t want to watch swimming or come to any classes ‘because it’s not really his thing.’ He took ds1 to a baby massage group when he was tiny and he said he was the only dad and it made him uncomfortable. Again trick or treating ‘isn’t his thing’ and even opening the door to kids he thought would look weird if his kids weren’t here.

If I complain or try to speak to him calmly about anything he just sulks or gets really upset and starts on about how he’s the worst dad in the world and how much he hates how useless he is. He did this when we were on holiday last week and I’d asked him to take the dc to the buffet so I could read my book in peace. He didn’t speak to me for 2 days of the holiday after that.

He doesn’t understand that me asking him for help isn’t me just criticising him to make him feel bad. It’s because he is completely incapable of seeing what needs to be done and I bloody need help.

I genuinely wish I had never married him. I can cope with my life when he isn’t here. I still keep looking forward to him coming home and thinking that it’ll make things a bit easier for me. But all it does is create more stuff for me to do and I get snappy with the dc’s because I’m so pissed off with dh.

[MrsStrowman]

He sounds awful, also you're not asking for help by expecting him to parent his own children! Taking them to the buffet then not talking to you for two days wtf?! I know you don't want to hear it OP but you may well be better off without him, think about the lessons your children are learning about how it's ok to treat others, if not about your own well being

[DarlingNikita]

He didn’t want to watch swimming or come to any classes ‘because it’s not really his thing.’ ... Again trick or treating ‘isn’t his thing’

I'll admit, I'm not a parent so I don't really know, but I think part of parenting is doing things with/for your kids, not just the things that are your 'thing'. Have you floated that idea to him?

'...when we were on holiday last week and I’d asked him to take the dc to the buffet so I could read my book in peace. He didn’t speak to me for 2 days of the holiday after that.'

Fucking hell. He's pathetic.

[dancingdirty]

If you leave him you would get a break every other weekend.
I can't actually see the downside here. He is selfish

[ForLikeEver]

OP - this sounds like a thoroughly miserable set up. Your husband isn’t giving you the support you need or any time off of mum duty (which all mums need every now and again). If it’s any consolation, your two DC are lucky to have a mum so selfless and caring.

Perhaps it would be worth telling your husband exactly how you feel, or even show him this thread? Food for thought... If you were to separate then you’d be guaranteed some time to yourself as presumably your husband would have the kids at regular intervals. I do wonder how he’s cope with having to actually parent his own children now and again.

Stay strong. 💪🏼

[QuizzlyBear]

OP, I'm in total agreement- your DH sounds like an utterly selfish twat.

My Dh worked away Monday-Friday for a couple of years and I have to say, negative patterns do emerge. The kids and I became a real 'unit' and pretty self-sufficient (by necessity) and when he came home we were all happy but carried on as if he wasn't there a bit as it's easier when he's only back for a weekend.

He also stopped getting involved as he felt pushed out, so this might be a factor for your family (unless he's always been this selfish!). Good luck! X

[geekone]

Maybe if you divorce he will have to have the kids alone just to see them so you will actually get some me time even if it is once a month it’s more than now.

As for money he will have to give you some of the “dream job” money if you divorce.

[RhiWrites]

So his position is that he isn’t interested in parenting? He’s terrible.

I think you’d be better off without him. What is he contributing? Aside from money which he’d still have to contribute if you split.