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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off with dh?

60 replies

BathFullOfEels · 02/11/2018 13:23

Dh works away mon-fri. We have 2 dc’s - a 6yo with ASD and a 2yo. I have a chronic health condition and although I manage to look after the boys on my own it’s an absolute slog and I feel constantly guilty about the things I can’t do with them as I’m simply too ill. We agreed dh would work away mon-fri as it’s his dream job, the pay is great and dc and I love the area we live in.

Anyway, we’re currently on dh’s second week of a 2 week holiday from work. First week was half term and we went away, this week we’re at home and ds1 is back at school. Dh hasn’t done one school run, he knows where ds’s school is but wouldn’t have a clue where his classroom is or his teachers name. He hasn’t joined ds2 and I on any days out or classes. He didn’t want to come and watch ds’s swimming lesson even though he’s never seen him swim. He hasn’t offered to make dinner, get the boys dressed, help out at night (ds1 is always up for at least an hour in the night). He would neither come trick or treating with us or open the door to any trick or treaters while we were out.

Instead he’s decided to pull the patio up. We are getting our garden landscaped in a couple of weeks and the quote includes having the patio pulled up. But dh has spent every minute pulling this fucking patio up at a snails pace because he finds it relaxing and he’s on holiday. He thinks we’ll get a massive discount on the gardening because he’s done this.

I think his second week off should be a few days of him doing what he wants and a few days of me doing the same. But apparently it’s his holiday and I’m always getting to do what I want.

I genuinely hate him right now. I have spent the last year on my absolute knees trying to keep everyone happy whilst I’m vomiting 5 times a day, in constant pain and permanently anemic. He was the one that wanted dc. I was always reluctant as I knew my health would always be a struggle. But he takes no interest in either me or his dc. If I leave I’ll just be poorer and get even less of a break.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 02/11/2018 16:19

"But apparently it’s his holiday and I’m always getting to do what I want."

But that's him, isn't it? What exactly is he doing here that isn't exactly "what he wants" and screw what anyone else might want? He didn't speak to you for 2 days on holiday because you asked him to do something that wasn't "what he wanted".

BathFullOfEels · 02/11/2018 16:20

Pretty much all he contributes is money. Occasionally he’ll do something heroic like get some pudding from Tesco when he goes to pick up some bits for himself. Then when we’re eating it he’ll keep saying ‘how’s the pudding? How good am I for remembering that we needed pudding?’ While the dc and I look at him like Confused.

Just writing that down makes me realise even more that I’m married to a complete tool.

OP posts:
BathFullOfEels · 02/11/2018 16:23

The annoying thing (well, one of the many) is that I do think dh genuinely sees himself as a real ‘family man’ who is doing his bit putting up with being separated from his family mon-fri to ensure we have a good lifestyle. His family constantly tell me how lucky I am that dh is prepared to make such sacrifices for us. That I’m lucky dh stands by me in sickness and in health. Whenever they say that I always think ‘that really is what he’s doing, he’s standing by me while I’m ill. He’s not trying to help or try and make me feel better. He’s just standing near me Grin.

OP posts:
microwavetable · 02/11/2018 16:30

Op this could be me! Down to the very last bit of him thinking he's a family man and family thinking isn't he great blah blah blah, when in reality I'm the one doing it all.
My dc are younger so if this is not going to change then I need to get out!

Sending many  to you op. You should really make tracks to separate, see how he likes it then

NowApparently · 02/11/2018 17:08

I second the under the patio option. What an utterly useless, self-pitying twat.

wizzywig · 02/11/2018 17:14

Aah imagine if being a parent was just about working full time

thebear1 · 02/11/2018 17:22

YANBU, how you haven't lost you temper with him amazes me.

costacoffeecup · 02/11/2018 17:26

He's a miserable old sod. That's no way to live really. It's hard enough with one dc and no chronic illness, you are amazing to be able to handle that. He clearly doesn't appreciate you at all.

chocolateworshipper · 02/11/2018 17:34

Ask him to get his diary out because you want to book a holiday. When he says "oh, where are we going" - inform him that it will just be you having a holiday so that you can do whatever you want

rainbowstardrops · 02/11/2018 17:44

He sounds like an utterly useless twat.
Sit him down and spell it out.

AngelsSins · 02/11/2018 17:50

So he thinks he’s entitled to holiday from being a parent?!

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2018 18:04

Are you sure that you'e be that much poorer?

Olderbyaminute · 02/11/2018 18:26

OP I’d sit down and lay it on the line for him-start doing more or you’re either hiring in home help such as cleaner,child minder due to how physically ill you are or you’re seeing a solicitor to begin divorce proceedings. Why do I say this? My father was exactly this way selfish and cruel when my mother was a sham my whole life and one example: he decided to paint the house when she was recovering from major surgery with four kids under 5 years old to care for. Dad has NPD so no shock but your husband sounds like a total ass. Dad never cleaned occasionally cooking but usually for himself or DIY

Racecardriver · 02/11/2018 18:30

Does he realise that at this rate his children won’t particularly want to see him when they grow up because they wouldn’t have had a relationship with him. I’d tgat how he pictures the future?

Whiskeyjar · 02/11/2018 18:45

He sounds absolutely awful and you sound miserable. I feel for you as it would be scary knowing your whole financial stability is purely fixed on him. Do you have any family that can help you if you were to leave him?

MrTrebus · 02/11/2018 19:15

I have seven letters for you DIVORCE

BathFullOfEels · 02/11/2018 19:30

I don’t know if I’d be much poorer if dh left tbh. I haven’t really seriously considered leaving before but this last fortnight really has been the final nail in the coffin. I’ve tried so hard to talk to him, to explain how unhappy I am. I was diagnosed with PND after dc2 and dh just sees me being upset/ angry as a result of that. He can’t seem to grasp that a huge amount of the reason I’m so down is a direct result of his behaviour.

I have my dm nearby who would certainly support me emotionally but couldn’t really help practically or financially.

OP posts:
Stuckinthemiddlehelp · 02/11/2018 19:44

Mine is very much like this...i feel your pain

user139328237 · 02/11/2018 19:58

Is he working in the same place each week by any chance and feels that if you want help with the childcare you should move to that place?
YANBU to want him to do more but it'll not happen until he's actually spending time with the children as he seems to lack confidence with them so you really need to find a way for him to be able to see the children in the week.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/11/2018 20:04

If, when you try and talk to him he can't cope with it and is ridiculous, could you try counselling together? To see if the counsellor can get through to him?

That's if you can be bothered with him!

MsVestibule · 02/11/2018 20:06

I can't get passed the 'it isn't his thing'!! Watching children swimming isn't my idea of a great afternoon out either, but it's something you just do.

Would counselling help either of you? I have to admit, the older I get, the less convinced I am that its worthwhile, but it might help you clarify your thoughts on whether a split is definitely in your best interests. I suspect it probably is, though 😕. Would he actually want to have them EOW?

Girlicorne · 02/11/2018 20:07

He's an idiot. i d consider separating, it will be easier on your own without him to pick up after as well! Trick or treating as a 39 year old isn't really my thing either funnily enough, but I went as my children are 9 and 10 and it is their thing, that's just what you do as a parent!!

I ve been on holiday this week as it's half term, we ve been out all day every day doing stuff the kids want to do because again, that's what parents do!!!

AnneElliott · 02/11/2018 20:10

My h is a bit like this - it's why we only have one DS. He worked at (sort of) 2 jobs while DS was small- but really they were an excuse not to do the boring shit.

He didn't do swimming or dance lessons or school stuff. He's missed out massively though - DS and I are a tight unit and are close in ways that H doesn't get. It might be worth pointing that out to your H. My DS is now 12 and would rather spend time with me. He gets on ok with H, but given the choice, he'd come/stay with me rather than his dad.

BathFullOfEels · 02/11/2018 20:18

He works in central London, we live rurally 250 miles away. He has accommodation subsidised by his work but it only covers hotel room/ weekly self catering. If we moved to London we’d struggle to afford a 2 bedroom flat. We tried living in commuter land when dc1 was young but it wasn’t really right for any of us. I don’t think he wants us to move to London, it would be a huge drop in living standards for him and us.

I have suggested counselling before but he said he wanted me to do it myself first. He thinks if I sort my own problems (which are generally only struggles with my health and frustrations with dh) then we won’t need to do counselling together. There’s also the issue of practicality- the only other person I can leave ds1 with is my dm. I’d hate either lying to her about where we were going or telling her and having the entire west country knowing about my marriage problems within 10 minutes.

OP posts:
allthatmalarkey · 02/11/2018 21:33

I'm in a really similar situation to you except that my DH pulls his weight when he gets home. It did take a lot of 'your holiday is my holiday too' and 'when do I get time off?' type rants/arguments. I would now be absolutely lost without DH, I just couldn't cope with my DS who has q severe ASD and is huge for his age (7.5).

I would try again and again with your OH before throwing in the towel, I know so many women bearing the brunt of raising a child with ASD on his own after they realised they were already basically managing on their own anyway and the OH wasn't worth the bother. Do something to shock him: announce you need a break and you're going to stay the night at your mum's or something. If he wants to be the family man he needs a good kick up the rear or you'll realise he's dispensable. Good luck x

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