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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Am I being a bad host?

106 replies

Greenbeanmcgee · 02/11/2018 11:40

A friend who lives on the other side of the country is going to be staying with me for a few days. I'm looking forward to it but she wants to attend church on the Sunday. That isn't a problem at all. I said that I'd have a nice lunch ready for her when she returns but she wants me to attend and won't stop asking.

I really don't want to go. I'm an Atheist and have no desire to attend church unless it's necessary. Also her particular style of church makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just a personal preference.
I could also use the time to get some work done.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/11/2018 15:12

If you do go OP (though I'm sure you'll have more sense" - they will "love-bomb" you and attempt to draw you in.

Your friend knows your address. She will give it to them.

They will doorstep you. They will telephone you. They will do everything they can to force you to join them. They will not give up. They will, quite literally, stalk you and make your life a living hell. Don't show even a hint of weakness.

Once in, it is VERY, VERY difficult to get out.

Greenbeanmcgee · 02/11/2018 15:19

I've talked to my friend, and firmly requested that she not ask me again as the answer is no and reminded her that we mutually agreed not to discuss religion. She still wants to visit so we'll see how the weekend goes. I do like very much in spite of her views so I am looking forward to the visit but I'm also very wary of what might happen.

I don't think that I'd ever choose to have a partner who was at all religious because it's just too big and important a difference for me to want to live with someone with such opposing views, but I generally have no issue with having a friend who is of any faith. However if she continues to be pushy then we might have to part ways.

I feel sorry for her though as I feel that she's trapped. She used to be an agnostic verging on atheist but she attended an Alpha course soon after a bereavement and they took advantage of her while she was very vulnerable.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/11/2018 15:38

I feel sorry for her though as I feel that she's trapped. She used to be an agnostic verging on atheist but she attended an Alpha course soon after a bereavement and they took advantage of her while she was very vulnerable.

I think you are right - she IS trapped.

Alpha courses are usually very Christan in their ethos, and have been responsible for a number of people becoming Christian , This is the first time that I've heard anything negative about it - it's usually "This is what we believe and this is why. Take it or leave it." as far as I am aware. They encourage people to go to church (not necessarily the one that ran the course), but don't follow up or put pressure on anyone. (I've never been involved with Alpha myself - but I have heard a lot of good stuff about it from Methodist friends).

I wonder if your friend has come to faith through Alpha, and then been unfortunate enough to encounter this cult when she was still emotionally vulnerable and yet convinced that God exists?

I'd never even thought of such a scenario, but I can see how dangerous it could be.

Vulnerable person +someone who seems to have all the answers + "love-bombing" congregation = exploitation + disaster

to my mind.

And if someone emotionally insecure is convinced that it is their own fault that some awful things have happened in their life, then they will be desperate for others to "help" them - they become more and more dependent upon the cult.

Would she consider going to a different church (PP suggested RC church) for a different type of service and a non-blame culture (I'd hope!)?

Though even if she decided she wanted to leave them she'd have her work cut out - they won't let her go easily.

Greenbeanmcgee · 02/11/2018 15:46

I have a lot of issues with the Alpha course but I won't go into that. The Alpha course that she attended was held at/by one of the Destiny churches.

I don't think that she'd consider attending another church. She seems to think that Destiny are marvellous. I'm hoping that she'll see sense one day and look for another less harmful church.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/11/2018 16:03

So does she believe that the poor or sick are evil and have it coming because god doesn't love them?

I really don't think I could be friends with someone so opposed to my own views.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 16:53

I do like very much in spite of her views so I am looking forward to the visit but I'm also very wary of what might happen.

You may find she's changed, sadly. This can happen when they become indoctrinated into cults like this. Sad I hope not, though, and I really hope she lays off.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/11/2018 17:29

I've talked to my friend, and firmly requested that she not ask me again as the answer is no and reminded her that we mutually agreed not to discuss religion. She still wants to visit so we'll see how the weekend goes

I believe you've been very fair, balanced and polite and just hope she'll respect what you've agreed ... that way she'll still have someone to turn to if she changes her mind about the "benefits" involved

blackteasplease · 02/11/2018 17:31

Yanbu. She is being very rude!

ThistleAmore · 02/11/2018 18:01

@PinkCalluna - you may have conveniently forgotten to misread the 'IMO' in my post.

As I said, I was brought up in the CoS - my grandparents and parents were elders of the Kirk, I was confirmed as a teenager, my uncle is a minister, many of my friends and relatives are still CoS and happily so.

If anything, it is, in my (agnostic bordering on atheistic) mind, one of the least harmful forms of indoctrination out there, given that I mostly couldn't give two hoots about most forms of religion. Indeed, I find many of them downright abhorrent.

As such, the fact that you've chosen to pick up on my rather mildly dismissive post out of many on a thread discussing the weirdness of imposing religious views on others is...weird.

Perhaps spend more time picking up on things that matter, or if you must, in the words of St Francis: "Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."

junebirthdaygirl · 02/11/2018 18:46

I like to go to church when l am abroad. While visiting a friend l was going along to one nearby. She said..Oh can l come too? I was taken aback as never even thought to ask as she is not a regular church goer. What l am saying as a regular church goe,r is she is out of line and of course she can't drag you along and shouldn't even try.
Surely she sees its a pit pointless even if you are there under extreme pressure.

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 08:00

I've talked to my friend, and firmly requested that she not ask me again as the answer is no and reminded her that we mutually agreed not to discuss religion. She still wants to visit so we'll see how the weekend goes

I generally have no issue with having a friend who is of any faith. However if she continues to be pushy then we might have to part ways.

Perfect @GreenbeanMcgee

Very satisfying to read an AIBU who asks for advice, listens to advice, weighs it up and deals with it with respect with knowing fuller situ/friend/family better.
And deals with it so kindly and reasonably.
I hope that it worked and that your friend has a lovely visit with you xxxxx You'll feel much better having reserted those clear boundaries.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/11/2018 08:32

Let's hope that your friend respects those boundaries when she is in your home. She may try to sneak a couple of evangelical comments in.

LakieLady · 03/11/2018 08:41

I think that's an excellent idea. Shall we get up a posse?

Count me in. Scientology stole my friend and 40 years on it still pisses me off.

I hate people who try and pressurise atheists like me into sky fairy stuff. My ex-MIL used to try and get me to go to mass with her when she stayed for weekends.

Brizzledrizzle · 03/11/2018 08:51

It's all rather reminiscent of the Phil Collins song Jesus he knows me. Worth watching the video TBH.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/11/2018 18:08

All these cults prey on people who are unhappy/vulnerable/lonely - or just dim-witted, unfortunately. While I find all religions equally silly (I'm too old for imaginary friends), there's well-intentioned and basically harmless 'silly', and then there is the nasty, dangerous stuff. The cult OP's friend is in is definitely the latter.

Catspyjamazzzz · 03/11/2018 18:24

I was forced to go an evangelical service. There was a ‘rock band’ and it went on for over 2 hours.

Run away.

Miscible · 04/11/2018 00:41

DSis has always been quite religious and attended an Alpha course while at university. She wasn't impressed at all: she didn't like the evangelising and the peculiar tendency to do a sort of Hitler salute every time Jesus was mentioned. The final straw came when they were asked to talk about what prayer had achieved for them, and everyone in the group talked about things like prayer leading them to a fantastic dress to buy, or making their ankle better in time to play football - all at a time when there was horrendous famine going on in Africa which they apparently didn't find it necessary to pray about. When it came to her turn to speak she just said sorry, she didn't believe that God was responsible for anything that had been claimed and this wasn't for her, and left. She was reassured that they were still praying for her, but obviously it didn't work as she never went back.

ButchyRestingFace · 04/11/2018 01:50

Is she possibly trying to recruit you?

ohello · 04/11/2018 02:26

Tell her that you'll go to her's if she goes to yours -- and yours is the Church of Satan. Wink

KaosReigns · 04/11/2018 05:59

I somehow knew it would be destiny church, are you in NZ? Hoping that cult hasn't spread beyond our borders tbh.

Yanbu in the slightest. But as a member of the cult your friend has probably been encouraged to recruit new subscribers and can't see how unreasonable she is being.

KaosReigns · 04/11/2018 06:10

Ah ok so Google seems to say your destiny church is not related to the con man Brian Tamaki. But is still got from the same culty cloth.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/11/2018 11:33

Are you in NZ? Hoping that cult hasn't spread beyond our borders

I hate to disappoint you, but ...

www.destiny-ministries.net/churches.html

JellyBears · 04/11/2018 11:40

You are lucky she’s your friend! I met a nanny once who invited me to join her and her friends for coffee etc i get there it’s a bloody reform church that Skypea some leader in the South Africa! Got told I would go to hell and got given a bible. I politely told her I prefer not to go to church but we could still meet in other days etc, never heard from her again!

I am a Cristian I just don’t like religion that acts like a bloody cult! I don’t see how she can be a follower of god and treat people like that lol it’s not very Christian.

Glad you stood your ground and still have a Friend.

TigerMummy1 · 04/11/2018 12:47

I'm a mainstream Christian chaplain (won't specify denomination as it might be too outing, but mainstream). I've just got home from leading church in fact. RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! This is a cult and I would be completely uncomfortable attending it myself (and I happily visit all sorts of churches to share worship even when it's not really my style, from Anglo Catholic to full on happy clappy evangelical). I draw the line at cults that preach prosperity Gospel.
Also, on the Alpha front, it totally depends who is running it. I've also heard good things about ones run in mainstream churches (someone upthread mentioned Methodist) but I've also heard shocking things about others run by independent evangelical groups. I would never recommend one to someone unless I knew the people running that particular group.
Hope the weekend went well! (And next time, if you can bring yourself to/have a Christian friend around to do it, please take her to a normal church. Not for you, for her!)

dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 13:03

How'd the weekend go? Hope you got her told and she didn't push it. If anything it sounds like the service goes on for hours and would be very boring. I'm Catholic myself and will happily go to religious ceremonies but this Destiny stuff is not a religion, it's a cult.

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