to send au pair home... she's nice enough but too young and I don't want to do it in a mean way (to be honest she is making more work for me so I can manage without!)

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Our au pair arrived mid September. French quiet and seemingly quite mature. We had a German au pair last year who was great - 19 and very mature.
This time round our au pair has less to do. She gets the children ready in the morning 6.30-8.30 but can't drive so I either do the school run or another mum who I share it with. Most of the time I use that extra time before school starts to either go into the office or work from home. Because my children have clubs on Mondays - she doesn't look after them from school, but does have to make sure they have dinner so I can get home from all the clubs and do an hour's work between 5.30 and 6.30. Quite often I will make their dinner during my lunch hour, ready for her to heat up at 5.30. On Tuesday and Wednesday my children are at after school club until 6pm. Those are the days I go into London to work and my husband picks up the children. I get home 6.30-7 and we put them to bed. On Thursdays I tend to be at home and give them dinner. Ditto on Friday. Anyway...
So our au pair is 18 just 18. She was a bit homesick and I posted here before. But she has settled a bit however I am starting to feel as if I'm doing all the work for her. For example she cleans her teeth with charcoal powder and leaves it everywhere (I also pay a cleaner £20 a week to do the communal areas in our house). During half term I said she could get up at 7.30am. I've been working from home. So she gets up at 7.30 and then spends half an hour in the bathroom. I discovered (after she had an accident) that she does 25 minutes plus of exercise in the bathroom every day. She barely eats anything, is constantly coughing and has very little energy. I also found videos on my iphone (children borrowed it while I was working upstairs) of her flinging them around our living room. I have another child in the house; albeit a child who has a 23 year old boyfriend and probably does soft drugs most weekends. She cried this morning because I had to knocked on the bathroom door (at 7.40) and ask her to look after the girls while I worked online. We have other children coming round today and I wanted to get an hour in before they arrived. She came out crying saying it was her period and she needed a shower. It's not working is it? How do I get her to leave without her feeling bad, she's only young. She can't cook at all and she put wet bedclothes on my children's beds. I can manage without her, because she's causing me more work. I have just had to scrub the sink again- the charcoal thing - I have asked her to clean it up many times.

flinging round living room not in an abusive way, a childish way not really thinking that our lounge has things in it that could be broken.

Stop over-thinking this. It's just not working out so bin her.

How do I get her to leave without her feeling bad, she's only young.

To be honest, I think whatever you say to her she'll feel bad, she's sounds like an oversensitive snowflake.

You just have to tell her it's not working out and she needs to go home. Just be kind. Help her work out how to get home and pay for her journey if necessary.

I don’t think it’s working out so I think you should cut your losses. The au pair doesn’t sound very happy and she may be very grateful you let her go.

Who cried your 23 year old or the aupair? I dont understand what drugs have got to do with it?

Low energy, long time in the bathroom, exercising in the bathroom, hardly eats anything.... I would be worried she is anorexic (and I say that from experience as a mother of one for the last 7 years). She sounds not only young but vulnerable so it is probably best if she goes home

23 yr old is au pairs boyfriend, au pair cried

I think the 23 year old is the au pair's boyfriend...both of which might do soft drugs?! She sounds hard work and would be giving her notice forthwith!

I'd also suspect an eating disorder. She sounds like she isn't coping. I'd let her go, gently.

Have to agree with GreenFingers - whatever you say she will take it badly I fear. Just be honest and say it's not working and you feel she'd be happier returning home and starting again.

The chattering classes have such high standards when it comes to their cheap labour.

@Suttree I hope you've got similar sized chips on both shoulders, or you'll be unbalanced

Cheap cleaner too.

It sounds as if being away from home isn't going well for her. The tiredness - the secret exercise and the undereating sound as if she needs to be looked after herself.

How do you know the boyfriend does soft drugs?
Honestly- you sound like you are nit picking. She plays with children in the living room and you worry about things getting broken, when they obviously didn’t. You are very preoccupied with the bathroom sink. If I had to guess, she left a little sprinkle of black.
When you said she put wet sheets on the beds, I’m guessing they were very slightly damp out the dryer?

Sounds like an older nanny would suit you better. If the charcoal toothpaste is the worst thing she’s doing, you really are going to find fault with anyone.

She’s going to be upset regardless of how you do it as it will mean leaving her boyfriend. Just be honest.

Let her go, sooner rather than later. You don’t need another child and so I would be looking for someone much older than 18 to look after my children!

It doesn't sound like she's really doing very much anyway, unless you left out the part where you said what else she does other than getting the children ready in the morning? You're still doing the cooking and you have a cleaner. Can you not just say that you've decided to cut back on your work so that you can sort the children out yourself, you want to economise or whatever, so that it's about you and not her? You don't actually have to do that, just give it as the reason. You said yourself you can probably cope without her so it's not far off the truth anyway.

Have you taken her to gp? Could make her do housework, incl toothpowder? If she's from an agency tell them concerns.
Could give her a warning and two weeks to improve, but it doesn't sound like it's going to be ok.

I think it isnt working.

Start a fresh with a new au pair, specify older age if needed, and driver if thats what you need.

However the timings sound a bit confusing of when she is or isnt supposed to be in charge of the children. I would just stick to fixed working hours if possible ie 6.30-8.30am , then 5-7pm or whatever it is you need. That way with new au pair you can say you need them to be available those times. If children don't wake until 7.30am in holidays, or the days she doesnt have them until 6pm then that extra hour she can just potter around sorting breakfast, dinner, tidying toys, load of kids laundry on etc, if finished then she is welcome to just do something she wants. But that way there is no she waking at 7.30, then ages in shower etc... just sayd by 6.30am she needs to be ready to take over childcare incase. if kids sleeping etc then bonus time for her to relax or do something (but shes already dressed and showered)

It sounds like this isn't going to work out whatever you do. I'd just let her go.

I’d give her one more week; sit down with her and a clear list of your expectations:
-don’t leave a mess in the bathroom
-be ready to look after children at 6.30 every morning without fail
-cook their dinner each night for x time

Etc etc

Explain she has not been doing what she needs to, she’s got one week to sort herself out but if anything goes wrong during that week or she doesn’t meet the expectations then she’s out. If she doesn’t think it’s reasonable then she’s out immediately. Up to her.

Where are people getting that the boyfriend is the au pair’s from?

OP said i have another child in the house; albeit a child who has a 23 year old boyfriend and probably does soft drugs most weekends

So OP has a grown child in the house too who has a boyfriend and the child does drugs.

Not sure why that’s relevant which is probably why it’s confusing posters who are assuming it must be the au pair’s boyfriend.

Bin her OP. She’s an employee and not performing.

Oh. Reading that back I wonder if OP means she sees the au pair as an extra child. It’s very unclear though.

Have you considered boarding school?

Kick her and her bf out buy her a mega bus ticket home job done.
Maybe it’s a French thing but I’ve never met a French Eldon I’ve liked to arrigent for me.