to send au pair home... she's nice enough but too young and I don't want to do it in a mean way (to be honest she is making more work for me so I can manage without!)

[Helpmepleasenow48]

Our au pair arrived mid September. French quiet and seemingly quite mature. We had a German au pair last year who was great - 19 and very mature.
This time round our au pair has less to do. She gets the children ready in the morning 6.30-8.30 but can't drive so I either do the school run or another mum who I share it with. Most of the time I use that extra time before school starts to either go into the office or work from home. Because my children have clubs on Mondays - she doesn't look after them from school, but does have to make sure they have dinner so I can get home from all the clubs and do an hour's work between 5.30 and 6.30. Quite often I will make their dinner during my lunch hour, ready for her to heat up at 5.30. On Tuesday and Wednesday my children are at after school club until 6pm. Those are the days I go into London to work and my husband picks up the children. I get home 6.30-7 and we put them to bed. On Thursdays I tend to be at home and give them dinner. Ditto on Friday. Anyway...
So our au pair is 18 just 18. She was a bit homesick and I posted here before. But she has settled a bit however I am starting to feel as if I'm doing all the work for her. For example she cleans her teeth with charcoal powder and leaves it everywhere (I also pay a cleaner £20 a week to do the communal areas in our house). During half term I said she could get up at 7.30am. I've been working from home. So she gets up at 7.30 and then spends half an hour in the bathroom. I discovered (after she had an accident) that she does 25 minutes plus of exercise in the bathroom every day. She barely eats anything, is constantly coughing and has very little energy. I also found videos on my iphone (children borrowed it while I was working upstairs) of her flinging them around our living room. I have another child in the house; albeit a child who has a 23 year old boyfriend and probably does soft drugs most weekends. She cried this morning because I had to knocked on the bathroom door (at 7.40) and ask her to look after the girls while I worked online. We have other children coming round today and I wanted to get an hour in before they arrived. She came out crying saying it was her period and she needed a shower. It's not working is it? How do I get her to leave without her feeling bad, she's only young. She can't cook at all and she put wet bedclothes on my children's beds. I can manage without her, because she's causing me more work. I have just had to scrub the sink again- the charcoal thing - I have asked her to clean it up many times.

OH OP this sounds miserable. It sounds like you're juggling children and a tough, demanding job, plus house stuff. The kids are in after-school clubs (why not home with the au pair?) and you're making the meals for her to reheat, so what is she doing that's meant to be making your life easier? She sounds troubled, so it's probably best all round that she goes home.

Yeah cut your losses now and start afresh. It’s not working out. Have her ticket home booked for her if that’s what was agreed and send her on her way

I read it as thought the OP feels that the OP is like having an extra child in the house.

And ignore Suttree - they are currently also trolling an education/SEN thread.

If you definitely want her to leave, I would suggest you both have a little chat and sit down together with a cuppa. Make it as relaxed as possible. Tell her that you're getting the impression that she's not happy and that you're starting to feel that maybe it's not really a match between you. Let her know that you'll give her all the help she needs to get back home, so she doesn't have to worry about that and ask her how much notice would suit her. I would try to walk that fine line of using soft language at the same time as being assertive. It's not easy so worth planning ahead.

Why are you worried about her feeling bad? You're her employer, not her best friend or her mother!
Tell her that it's not working out, you're not getting what you need from her and you're sorry but she has to leave so you can employ someone who DOES do what you require.

Too bloody bad if her feelings are hurt, she's taking the piss!

And I say that as someone who has been an au pair in a different country, and never employed one myself.

Poor kid. I can't imagine having to get up at 6.30 every morning at her age and having someone who objects to me taking half an hour in the bathroom would have killed me. Do you have only one bathroom? The charcoal business is something you could have spoken to her about.

She sounds really sad, it would be best if she goes home, frankly. Better for you, too, to get somebody who is more mature and organised.

There are an awful lot of au pair issues on MN at the moment.

Send her home, it's not working out. It will be kinder in the long run. I wouldn't be happy about drug use by someone caring for my DC either.

Tell her circumstances have changed and you no longer need an au pair and you are sorry

Screams anorexia and / or bulimia to me. I'd send her home for her own benefit.

I don't really understand the older child / drug thing though.

Au pair isn’t meant to be an ‘employee’ as such actually. It’s like an extra (light!) helper for the family in exchange for a cultural experience, the money paid is just pocket money.

If OP wants nanny standards she should pay for that. Everyone knows that au pairs are easily exploited as cheap disposable labour. They’re inexperienced and young, they’re not always going to spring out of bed every morning and work to a standard that a professional child carer would. They’re certainly not paid as one, besides anything else.

It sounds like you're worried about her in a motherly way, because she is acting very young for her age. Make a decision as her boss, but let her down as gently as you would a child.

Send her home - it doesn't sound like she is very well, and being in a different country is probably not helping.

I think your expectations of an aupair sound reasonable and I think that the aupair isn't doing nanny standard work. The OP seems to be around a lot.
18 is very young, some manage better at 18 than others, but I wonder if an older au-pair might be better suited. The economy being what it is in some European countries from what I have seen on our tentative search there are a lot of older aupairs from some countries looking for a role.

I've been in your position OP and I struggled with resolving it too. When an au pair needs as much support as one of your own children it is draining. Of course, part of the ethos is to have her as a member of your family but that doesn't mean you should be doing half her work for her.

If she was able to make the changes you want, would you honestly be happy to continue to still have her in your home? If so, I would:

Write a straightforward list of the issues so you are clear exactly what it is that is not working.
Reassure her that she is well-liked but that you are not entirely happy and then go through the list.
Give her a copy of the list, together with a timetable for her working hours and tell her that you will discuss it again in a week's time. She may well say she wants to leave anyway.
If nothing has changed by next Friday then you have been clear of the outcome and she has to go home.

Personally, I would not raise any suspected drug or health issues with her. You don't know for certain and there may be something lost in translation and cause huge upset for all of you.

Why in God's name would you knock on someone's bathroom door?? Whilst she was in there?

Isn't that massively shitting on her privacy?

You sound v fair - your au pair seems to be doing whatever she wants and you’re fitting in with her. Yes they aren’t paid much - but it doesn’t sound like she’s making your life any easier or doing the job she is given accommodation and money to do. She also doesn’t sound well at all bless her and I think you’re being very kind and considerate and aware of her issues. I have met lots of au pairs (I’m a nanny) and there are some real asshole employers who treat them like shit. Just gently tell her it isn’t working and I think you will have to help her out financially to move her on.

You sound like you’re doing most of what she should be doing and that no-one is getting anything out of the arrangement. She’s not helping your family life. Time for her to go and don’t feel bad about it! She can get a place with her boyfriend and clean her own bathroom, she’s an adult.

Poor kid. I can't imagine having to get up at 6.30 every morning at her age and having someone who objects to me taking half an hour in the bathroom would have killed me. Do you have only one bathroom? The charcoal business is something you could have spoken to her about.

Really Rebecca? What were you doing at eighteen? Most eighteen year olds I know are working full time, getting up at 6.30am or earlier and just cracking on with it.

Even if this au pair finds that difficult, she chose it and chose to travel to another country for this job. The bathroom thing is fair too, if there are limited bathrooms or op needs her to start work at a certain time then her being in the bathroom until well past that time isn’t her working, it’s her taking the piss. An eighteen year old is capable of doing the maths to realise that starting work at 6.30am means being in the bathroom at 6am if she requires half an hour.

I used to get up at 5am when I was 17 and 18 to work at a hotel in town. I got up at 6:30am when I was 12 for my paper round. Why is it too early for an 18-year-old to get up? She’s not working for most of the rest of the day.

Poor kid. I can't imagine having to get up at 6.30 every morning at her age

My 17 year old daughter has been doing that since the age of 11 to get to school. In fact she gets up at 6am. She does spend forever in the bathroom doing her make up but makes sure she gets up earlier to accommodate this. She's now sharing a house with a host family and another student/their daughter and has to be considerate to everyone elses bathroom needs (3 girls need to use one bathroom)

Poor kid. I can't imagine having to get up at 6.30 every morning at her age

Then she shouldn’t have taken a job where the working hours were 6:30-8:30am! She is legally an adult and is working a responsible adult job. If she isn’t up to that then let her go.

If she needs to start supervising children at 6:30 then she should be up, dressed and out of the bathroom by then! I think she is taking the Mickey because you are still in the house so are around if she takes her time.

6.30am is the time many children have to get up for years to get to school on time, especially at secondary.

I dont think theres a problem with 30 mins in the bathroom, just that if she starts work at 6.30am, she is only getting up at 6.30am, then using the bathroom 30mins, therefore late starting work. She needs to be in the bathroom by 6am if the wants 30mins to do whatever before being fully ready by 6.30am.

Thanks for all your advice. I've just told her my job has changed and I need to have extra childcare - I said I'm going to be taking on a childminder (which won't be far from the truth). She seemed really happy and immediately booked a flight which means she's going back in 2 and a half weeks. With no bad feelings at all.

Lovely news! Well done!