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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Undiscussed cash to step son

65 replies

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 00:58

Do you think it's reasonable for my DH to have set up a regular payment of several hundred pounds a month to his ds (my stepson) given stepson is 22, on his second degree and it was not even discussed with me? We've been married for 17 years and I was not ow. Financially we are very, very strapped. This arrangement was, when discovered, a shock.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 01:02

I would be very upset that this was not discussed and agreed upon. Actually, I'd be livid.

QueenDoris · 02/11/2018 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/11/2018 01:11

I agree that it should have been discussed with you, I’d be furious.
But, is your income joint? If dss needs support it’s great that his dad is there for him. Another but, if you’re a bit strapped that’s a lot of money each month.
You’ve got to have a discussion with DH about this. I suspect he’s going to feel it’s his boy and he will do whatever he can while you’re feeling that he’s deceived you and is giving away money you can ill afford.

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:12

I am a SAHM but because of ill health, although I do earn something part time. But even if i did't, isn't the issue he didn't discuss it? Surely such a large amount from our budget should have been discussed? I think so.

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Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/11/2018 01:14

Yes definitely it should have been discussed

florenceheadache · 02/11/2018 01:14

How long has it been going on? Is your SS reasonable with his expenses. Does he have a student loan?
More info needed.

QueenDoris · 02/11/2018 01:15

Just lift money from his wallet to balance it out

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/11/2018 01:16

OoooooQueen !

Snitzelvoncrumb · 02/11/2018 01:18

I would take the same out to spend on something I wanted.

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:19

thanks for your input. I LOVE that my dh is supporting his ds, he always did and it's one of the main reasons I loved him. I just know we totally struggled, and I mean struggled, to do what we had to do. I just thought that when our legal obligation ended, we would discuss any extra support. And infact, I did say to dh, you know, DSS will be a skin student, you should send him some cash if you have any spare instead of a present. I didn;t sign up for several more hundred pounds a month we absolutely and seriously cannot afford. To the point that we are really struggling. I am stressed. I only found out about this financial arrangement when I took a call on DH's phone today. It;s been going on for over a year. I feel a bit sick that he didn't share. Had it out with him. His first words? " It's my money"

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 01:19

@QueenDoris

How obnoxious.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2018 01:24

Are you a SAHM or do you earn your keep?

Troll says what?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/11/2018 01:25

Ah come on! It’s a tricky thing when oh wants to give money to a cause or person that you may not agree with. My DH has given shit loads to his daughters, to buy a flat etc, I give to charity and don’t have to ask him. Maybe the point is if it’s joint money.
We have a joint account but also have our own. I can do anything I like with mine, he can do whatever he likes with his, ours? Conversation!

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:26

Aquarmarine I appreciate your comment that it should have been discussed. I thin that's the crux. I would have just expected our long marriage to have resulted in that, it makes me feel that my input is not valid or valuable. It's more than money we can't afford. It's now about our relationship.

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Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:30

Aintnothing it's literally money we can't afford. Lond story, shit year, some drama I can't say that will out me but we should get out this mire and when we do, more than make up for it but right now, and this last year, we definitely were in NO position to send hundreds of pounds to our dss.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 02/11/2018 01:30

Of course he should have discussed it with you first. You're equal partners in a family. Your employment status has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's a partnership, not a house share and you should be making financial decisions together.

His attitude worries me - my money, my son, my choice. I would be really hurt and angry if my dh excluded me like that.

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:32

It's not even the money. I realise that. My issue is that he hid it and when I mentioned it, said it's my money. That's the issue.

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HerRoyalNotness · 02/11/2018 01:32

A year!! No wonder you’ve been struggling. He’s 22. I’d be raging at this. Stealing from my household to support another adult. Because that’s what it is if you haven’t agreed to it

Unicyclethief · 02/11/2018 01:41

Do you have children with him OP?

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 01:42

'
HerRoyalNotness you got it. I funded him to ride elephants ( got great pics) while we ate macaroni.

OP posts:

Prettyvase · 02/11/2018 01:43

He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't approve.

He did it because no matter what, his ds will always come first and may be because he feels guilt not being there for him 100% of the time growing up or because of the breakdown of his first family.

Is your ill health recent op? Is it causing a strain on your relationship? Is there a way you can earn from home to help with your finances?

Let's look at this through a reverse. That a woman has a job and wants to financially help her son but her stay at home partner who has no children does not help contribute to the family finances through ill health.

People would be saying you could do more Op, as lots of people with disabilities do contribute financially, even if only a few hours a week.

I think you would cause friction in calling him up on it if you have a happy, comfortable life albeit financially lean co dependency on him.

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 02:00

we have a 14 year old Prettyvase. I almost died after having him and am a health campaigner so not best paid but I help people by my word. I have no issue helping my step son, just the lies. Or should I say, the ommision.

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Unicyclethief · 02/11/2018 02:03

Hmm, I’m torn on this. Yes, he is an adult, but he is in education. But then no doubt your daughter suffered from this. I think he should be giving money to his son, but maybe not as much at the moment while you can’t afford it.

AutumnEvenings · 02/11/2018 02:13

My DS wanted to go back to uni to do post-graduate study. He had a very good career plan, worked extremely hard and as a result has a very good legal training contract in the city. I do not regret for one minute agreeing to support this as I left school at 16 and had to do graduate and post-grad studies working full-time whilst bringing up the kids, to get on in life. If DS had wanted to do medicine or some other course which would lead to a good career, I would also have supported this if at all possible.

At the time this was discussed my DH earned less than me, because he also left school at 16 and did little ecucationally to further his own career. I told him that being happy to rely on a partner to provide the icing on the cake was not what I wanted for our DS. He did not agree and we had heated arguments on the subject, with very frank exchanges of views. It all came out in the wash and was not pleasant, but we both recognised that we had to agree in order for our own marriage to survive.

In the end we did it, DH is the father of both our children and I persuaded him that he had no moral right to veto the plan, when it was essentially me who was going to pay for this. I was able to demonstrate that I was still able to contribute at the very least equally to our joint bills.

It has led to much better opportunities for DS, who has kept his side of the bargain and has excelled.

At a guess you are in a different position OP and DH has control of the finances. Your DH was wrong to hide the facts from you and only talking the whole situation through properly will allow you to understand the rationale for what is happening.

Original poster

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 02:14

i dont even thin the money angers me now, we always find money from somwhere when we have to for our loved ones. I just hate that this went on for over a year and there was not a word. It's the lack of discussion. I should be part of this discussion. He keeps saying if I had a daughter from another marriage and sent cash it would be with his blessing but that;s not the point. I would discuss it with him. I wouldnt do it behind his back!

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