Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Undiscussed cash to step son

65 replies

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 00:58

Do you think it's reasonable for my DH to have set up a regular payment of several hundred pounds a month to his ds (my stepson) given stepson is 22, on his second degree and it was not even discussed with me? We've been married for 17 years and I was not ow. Financially we are very, very strapped. This arrangement was, when discovered, a shock.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 02/11/2018 02:19

That makes it even worse that he was off on some jollies on your dime while you are struggling. I’ve sorted out savings to help fund a first degree for DHs DD. But a 2nd and holidays while we go without. No.

pallisers · 02/11/2018 02:27

His first words? " It's my money"

My issue is that he hid it and when I mentioned it, said it's my money. That's the issue.

Yes it is. And it is a serious issue. you have a child together who presumably went a bit short while he sent money to an adult child. You are husband and wife. He lied and hid stuff from you. You are partners, you should know what is happening. Does he understand that he is actually in a partnership with you now? I don't know what to say to you, OP, but I think you have put your finger on exactly what was wrong here and why you are upset. you husband should listen to this and try to take it on board.

(I'm kind of amazed at how mild the posts are about the adult child - normally on MN people say they were self-sufficient and even parents at 17 so no real help should be forthcoming after that age). .

Original poster
itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 02:28

I am really grateful for all your experiences and input.i love my dh, I love that he is doing what he can to help his ds. But I still cannot get over that such a hugh part of our income was going to fund jollies and I know this for a fact. At 22 I had a mortgage! Maybe things have changed. Anyway, my issue is not with my stepson, my husband made decisions without consulting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 02:35

many thanks pallisers, its so appreciated.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2018 02:39

What percentage of your family's income is going to DSS?

Johnnyfinland · 02/11/2018 02:46

Do you really think the average 22 year old is able to get a mortgage these days? If he’s doing a degree is he getting the full student loan, or is his dad having to top him up because he doesn’t get one/only gets some? Does the son work? He can work part time while studying. Sounds like he had a gap year, I can see why you’re irritated that your husband paid for that, but I’m not sure he should have to ask permission to support his own son

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/11/2018 02:48

I’m not sure he should have to ask permission to support his own son

He should if his teenage daughter is going without because her adult, and capable of earning, brother is living the life of Riley.

From the OP I funded him to ride elephants ( got great pics) while we ate macaroni.

Original poster
itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 02:54

i did have a mortgage at 25, changed days though. I know life is harder for kids now, I love that my dh is stilll committed and genuine. It;s why I was attracted to him. But he has lied to me for over a year, nearly two. How is that good. IT's less about the money which was a nightmare, more about the lies Why do so few of you see that? We couldn;t affort it! But it;s his son. So thats ok.

OP posts:
Johnnyfinland · 02/11/2018 03:01

Yes, exactly, it’s very changed days. House prices have increased 10x while wages have quadrupled at best. I don’t know any homeowners in their early twenties who haven’t been heavily helped by parents. Anyway, thats beside the point. No, he shouldn’t have let your other child go without but did that actually happen? The fact that there is several hundred spare to give away in the first place doesn’t suggest you’re living in abject poverty. And did he lie as in, you asked him and he denied it, or simply not tell you? There’s a big difference

SophiaLovesSummer · 02/11/2018 03:09

I'd be pissed at this too, how on earth had he been subbing him hundreds of pounds a month without you knowing? Surely that must have involved quite a bit of deceit to achieve... Did he overtly hide it from you or do you literally not share finances? I'm not surprised you're angry!

DevonshireCreamTea · 02/11/2018 03:28

OP why can't you work full time if your DD is 14? Of course his son comes before you, if your DH works full time why can't he help his son financially?

Original poster
itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 03:45

DE

I HAVE A RARE DISEASE, I JUST CANT WORK FULL TIME. bUT i CAN DO PART TIME AND EARN A GOOD AMOUNT OF MONEY. bUT YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. i DID THTAT. wE HAD A CRISIS. tHE MONEY WAS SO LOW FOR SEVERAL YEARS , AS WAS MY ILL HEALTH BUT YEY HO, WE JUST CRACK ON. i STILL DIDNT TELL LIES.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 02/11/2018 03:50

Was the it the CS amount, and he continued it? You said it only recently started. MYbe it's time for you to become more involved in family finances, so you know where the money is going?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 02/11/2018 03:52

I would be annoyed too, but I think you should talk to him about why he didn't tell you and feels it's his money. Both children are important but one shouldn't go without basics. Is there a reason you can't work and do your other thing? Then you can contribute, and possibly put some money in a trust for your daughter to use on her education.

olympicsrock · 02/11/2018 03:54

OP - of course your husband has behaved appallingly treating you like a subordinate partner. He was disrespectful and dishonest and gave you unnecessary worry about money. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. I would be furious in your shoes.

Original poster
itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 04:02

Sorry for the caps earlier. There is clearly NO understanding for disability here; I married my dh hale and hearty, giving birth fine but soon after I was almost killed by a medical fuck up. I won't bother you any further, thanks for the advice so far. it's been great. But the advie to get a job and protect myself, well. Frankly, ...

OP posts:
Uggywuggy · 02/11/2018 04:29

He broke your trust, put simply. And a lie of omission is still a lie. I empathise with you OP, it would make me wonder what else he lies about.

And saying it’s his money?! You are a family, you all pull together in different ways. No ‘his money’ rubbish.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2018 04:30

You love your dh but he needs to treat you like an equal, not a subordinate because you don’t earn much. Giving money from time to time is one thing but all the time and to pay for jollies? Just no.

I’m disabled and can’t work. My dh would never throw that fact in my face by saying it’s his money, not mine. I’m so sorry your husband is being horrid.

Is all of your money joint? I think suggesting you divert some of this money to saving for your 14 yos future (perhaps in an isa in your name 😬) puts the emphasis on caring for both your children. As in you’re happy to help his ds but perhaps we could do it for both children. I know that doesn’t help with the situation today. But at least if the shit hits the fan you will have saved some money in your name.

If all your money is joint you could do that now. If the money is gone he won’t be able to give so much to his ds.

AutumnEvenings · 02/11/2018 04:30

OK, so you cannot get a job and earn equal an wage to your DH, due to disability. In all honesty how do you expect him to support you, a younger child and help DS from a previous relationship?

You need to be having discussions with DH and negotiate about this. It is hard to be a main breadwinner in such a situation, where everyone expects help from one earner, that cannot be easily afforded.

JingsMahBucket · 02/11/2018 04:40

@AutumnEvenings try harder. The OP has already said several times that she has a part time job but can’t go full time due to disability.

AutumnEvenings · 02/11/2018 04:40

Just to add the main earner is also in a stressful situation, which leads to health problems, due to the burden of providing financial support for others.

Hengine · 02/11/2018 04:42

Sounds like the OP Wants to discuss it but How can she when her DH is lying by omission and views it as ‘his money’?
YANBU

AutumnEvenings · 02/11/2018 04:44

JingsMahBucket

Negotiation and discussion.

Vivaldi1678 · 02/11/2018 04:47

OP, I think this is a symptom not a cause of your understandable distress that he did not share information on something so important to you all. I don't blame him for supporting his son - I would and have done the same - button course he should not have concealed it.

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart or even counselling, as your marriage sounds quite rocky. It sounds as though your husband may resent you if he feels that you are not contributing to the family budget but resent him spending money on his son's education.

Moreisnnogedag · 02/11/2018 04:57

Fucking hell OP. I am the main breadwinner in our family and I would never ever dream to tell my DH it’s my money. Honestly I don’t get the responses you’ve had - your DH has been going behind your back and seeing you worry and stress without admitting that actually he could have relieved some of that pressure.

I’m with you - I’d be pissed off as anything about it and would be really angry that he doesn’t value you.