Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Undiscussed cash to step son

65 replies

itwaseverthus · 02/11/2018 00:58

Do you think it's reasonable for my DH to have set up a regular payment of several hundred pounds a month to his ds (my stepson) given stepson is 22, on his second degree and it was not even discussed with me? We've been married for 17 years and I was not ow. Financially we are very, very strapped. This arrangement was, when discovered, a shock.

OP posts:

Snitzelvoncrumb · 02/11/2018 05:26

I agree it's disrespectful the way it was done. You won't know why until you talk to him about it. But if you have a child with someone who already has children you have to expect there will always be a bit less to go around, regardless of your situation.

JingsMahBucket · 02/11/2018 05:40

@Moreisnnogedag I think it may be a combination of the anti-step-mother crowd and the hate-SAHP/women crowd.

Duckherding · 02/11/2018 05:50

I am surprised with some of the responses.

If your saying your DP has caused the best part of two years poverty and stress for you and DD, as family resource was diverted to another member who was undertaking a second degree he is not very dear. I would suggest he's a dick.

Marriage is through sickness and health, not as long as our earning potentials match.

He's priorities of home and children should be balanced.

If the OP was my Dad funded my DB to go and holiday and through two degrees while we couldn't put the heating on and lived on pasta the replies would be quite different

HoppingPavlova · 02/11/2018 06:02

It’s a hard one. Not sure what your governments stance on students is? I’m in a different country and these days our government means tests families of uni students. If over a (fairly low) threshold they get no assistance whatsoever. So we fully expect we will be completely subsidising our current uni student at 22yo. Part time work to support themselves is not always an option. Ours is doing a demanding degree, around 30 contact hours, add in additional time required for assignments and study and you have the equivalent of a full time job with overtime. Add in basic exercise needs. They have a token job of a few hours a week but it’s pin money. So we finance them or the degree is just not possible. For a lot of people this means ALL of the family- the uni student, parents and siblings still at school live on the breadline with 2min noodles as the staple. So if this is your governments stance I don’t think your DH is unreasonable to assist financing their child through further education.

However I would question why they did this without discussing it with you, that’s really odd. I would think discussing how much and what cutbacks need to be made to enable this is a vital discussion. Was your DH sure you would say no, felt backed into a corner and that it was their only option? Not saying it’s right but it’s all very odd and the only thing I can think of.

The other thing that sounds odd is that there seems to be a disparity in living. If the student is globe trotting and riding elephants and those at home are sitting in the cold eating 2min noodles something is obviously very very wrong. If I’m sitting in the cold eating rice then sure as shit it’s what I eould expect my uni student to be doing as well!

As for the whole, when I was 22yo I had a mortgage/paid off my house/had a swarm of kids and was incredibly responsible/was an independent superstar spiel people carry on with, just no. I’m old and when I was 22yo I was still at uni (went straight from school to a full time 6 year degree). Back then the government paid a student allowance that was the equivalent of the dole so I could be independent. Paid for (very cheap) mangy share houses, bills, (very cheap) food, uni costs, transport etc myself. Hell, back then uni was even free. None of that exists anymore so I would never compare my 22yo self to a modern day equivalent .

junebirthdaygirl · 02/11/2018 06:34

Supporting a ds at 22 is very regular here. My dd 25 recently graduated and dh and l supported her until then as no grants/ finance as its judged on your parents income here. Our ds 22 is still studying and will be for a while and we still support him. Its just life for a lot of people here in lreland and we are quite happy to do it.
No knowing is an issue but there is a strong leaning in parents to do their very best for their dc as as he is not your dc you will not feel that as strong. When it comes to your dd you will. He obviously didn't tell you as he knew you would veto it and it meant a lot to him and he was prepared to sacrifice that money himself.
Its tough but l understand why he did it and l would do the same for mine even if my dh was against it.

Moreisnnogedag · 02/11/2018 07:18

Really?? People would assist their older dc doing a second degree to a sufficient level that they could go on holiday whilst their other child went without and lived in a stressed out household?? Nobody would have a chat with that older adult child and explain that they couldn’t support them to the same degree? Blimey.

And all this he can spend his money how he chooses is appalling. The OP and her husband are a unit, a team, and he has a dependent child to think of. That 14 year old isn’t a second class child whose needs are subservient to her half brother who is going on holiday and who elected to do a second degree.

Prettyvase · 02/11/2018 07:34

Unfortunately the state of your marriage is clear by your dh's attitude to you

The ££ is a red herring.

If you were to leave him over it would you be happier and better off?

If not then I would do what I could to try and improve it as clearly it's in bad shape.

LakieLady · 02/11/2018 07:44

He's bang out of order on two counts: 1) making a unilateral decision about how to spend a big chunk of family money and 2) lying about it.

The first shows disrespect for you and your views and the second is unforgivable. And he doesn't even seem to feel that he's done anything wrong.

For me, this would be enough to LTB.

HoppingPavlova · 02/11/2018 08:30

and who elected to do a second degree.

Sometimes it is the sensible thing to do. I know a few people’s kids who have done second degrees after not being able to get a job with the first degree even though they busted their balls trying and were more than happy to start anywhere on low entry level jobs. Often it’s not because they did some ridiculous degree but because the employment landscape changes, some industries are boom and bust.

If it’s a choice between having a degree and working at a supermarket for life because you literally can’t get a job related to your degree or any decent job with prospects of progression, often people agree a second degree is best. More short term pain for long term gain! The people’s kids I know of in this situation all went on to be gainfully employed after the second degree and none of the parents resented this .

Moreisnnogedag · 02/11/2018 08:42

But it is a choice though. It may be sensible but it is a choice at the end of the day. I still think her DH has done a shitty thing by doing it behind her back, utilising family money that way without discussion and then claiming it’s his money.

Liverpool23 · 02/11/2018 10:06

OP, I think if the amount is going into the hundreds and you as a couple/family are struggling I think your husband is being absolutely unreasonable and I have the utmost sympathy for you. In my view it should have absolutely been discussed.

As a side note too, I just want to thank you. I have recently got engaged. My fiance has a daughter from a previous relationship so I will bring this up with him to see what his view is. It could mean that we avoid bumps down the road so I appreciate you bringing this sort of thing to my attention so we can have an open discussion about it before it becomes an issue

Lanzlaze30 · 02/11/2018 11:29

I agree that the money should have been discussed. Does the student work part time ? What are their plans once graduated ? I would ask when the rest of the family will be having a holiday where it includes riding elephants in I assume an exotic location. How does riding elephants relate to their degree or was this during their student holidays ?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/11/2018 11:40

It's not reasonable not to discuss it with you.

We have a joint account for bills and expenses (including holidays) and whatever we have left from our salaries is ours to do what we want with. DH has adult children and I've always said I don't care what he gives them, but it has to be from what is left over after the bills and I will not be subsidising him if he's short.

I wouldn't be happy seeing them swanning off on holiday while we were struggling. Thankfully he feels the same.

PrimalLass · 02/11/2018 11:44

Do you really think the average 22 year old is able to get a mortgage these days?

Depends where they choose to live.

SophiaLovesSummer · 03/11/2018 12:43

@itwaseverthus I've just caught up with thread and I'm so sorry for the level of ignorance you've had from some posters. I think you're right about the understanding of disabilities on here, it's (MN) changed so much IMHO. I was on here 24/7 back in the day when it was very new and my DC very young and it was a much nicer, more understanding, less judgy place. And way way less of posters either ignoring or correcting other posters about their own, true, reality. It's sad to see TBH.

Back to your OP, I can completely see why the not telling you is both the main issue and the thing that has you enraged. What has he said since? Does he understand why you are angry or does he still genuinely think the 'it's my money...' line? That would be a huge red line for me and I can't imagine how you feel if that is the case as I'm guessing your own options are limited from what you've said. Let us know how you are, we're not all dickheads I promise

Flip

1 2 3