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Is she the toxic one...or am I?

62 replies

hillhouse92 · 01/11/2018 18:26

I’m 29.

From the outside- I had a good childhood. Lots of presents on birthdays/Christmas, imaginative birthday parties, private school education, nice family holidays. The reality is much different.

I’ve always felt I don’t belong in my family. They are all (immediate and extended bar a few) very academic and have good, middle class jobs (doctors, teachers, lawyers- you get the jist). I am not at all academic- struggled through school because half the time I didnt understand what was going on and because I was badly bullied. School brushed it under the carpet and wrote me off as being “lazy”.

My brother is a borderline genius. Did very well at school, oxbridge university education and has a very good, high earning job. We have never got a long- he has always been a bully, calling me stupid and general other abuse. As stupid as it sounds one event sticks out- he had hit me, resulting me locking myself in the bathroom and him laughing through the door that my parents wouldn’t believe me. And I knew it was true.

Left school, got involved in the wrong crowd. Drank excessively and got involved in drugs. I will admit I ended up stealing several thousand pounds off my parents and the guilt has consumed me since.

This all stopped about 4 years ago (one day it just hit me I wasn’t enjoying myself and didnt want those people in my life anymore) and fell into a major depression. My mum while on the outside pretending to be the perfectly understanding parent told me “it was boring her and to snap out of it or just kill myself”.

I still have my off days now and she doesn’t understand I just need to be left alone when I do- she will be a goady twat telling me to “get a grip” “when are you going to get over this” etc and I will admit sometimes my emotion turns to anger and I have broken things, punched doors etc. I do admit I need to seek help because of this but it has been ingrained I should be ashamed and I’m too embarrassed or scared.

My mother tries to invade in every aspect of my life- I have to tell her where I am going every time I go out, she will go through my bag/car, searches my room when I’m out, will listen in on my phone calls. I know I’ve “rebelled” in the past and yes I do live in their home rent free, but surely I’m entitled to some privacy?

I don’t doubt I haven’t been given nice things in my life, and I do appreciate it, but they don’t do it for me- they do it so to the outside they look perfect.


OP posts:
Dermymc · 01/11/2018 18:28

The whole situation sounds like a mess tbh. None of you are covering yourselves in glory. You need to move out, get yourself some physical space between you. If recommend counselling for you too.

dangermouseisace · 01/11/2018 18:32

I don’t get what your AIBU is, but it sounds like you need to live somewhere else. Your family situation sounds dysfunctional, and very unpleasant. Have you ever lived outside the family home?

adviceonthepox · 01/11/2018 18:36

I would say your mother has had enough of your behaviour. Can you live somewhere else? Get your temper under control and learn to stand on your own two feet?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 01/11/2018 18:36

YANBU to resent a lot of the things that have happened in your life, YANBU to struggle.

You are being U to continue to allow yourself to live like this. You're going to have to leave and detach from their control if you want to have any kind of independence, so start planning now. You can't do it all in a day, but what steps can you take towards independence? Towards claiming your life back?

As for the whole parenting for everyone else's benefit thing, I get that, I really do. It sucks, knowing that your parents are performing rather than raising and loving you the way you need. But at some point you will have to come to terms with that hurt, put it to one side and not let it leave you vulnerable; your rebellion now should be about strength.

Justkeeprollingalong · 01/11/2018 19:00

You are an adult OP; can you not take control of your own life and happiness? If you turned the corner 4 years ago and only have occasional off days, why are you still living at home rent free or even at all? Do you work?

MrTrebus · 01/11/2018 19:09

I can really see this from both sides. I can already picture the other thread "addict daughter lives at home rent free doesn't work or do anything to help often smashes stuff up" everyone would tell her to kick you out. Time to get out into the world OP and make something for yourself. Good luck Flowers

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 19:09

Move towards getting your own place. Do it for yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2018 19:10

You’re nearly 30 years old.

When are you planning to move out and get some independence?

You can’t have it both ways. You’re either living like a dependent child not paying your way, not paying back what you stole (Hmm), living entirely off your parents, or you earn your own money, access the help and support you need and get some privacy.

Sorry you had a rough childhood but so did a lot of people and you’ve managed to piss a lot of opportunities many people would give an arm for and are still expecting more.

If you hate your mum and don’t want her in your life that’s fine, but you can’t expect to live independently when you’re behaving like a resentful child and have chosen to be completely dependent.

LethalWhite · 01/11/2018 19:17

I’m not sure how you expect your Mum to be?

You are a 29 year old adult who is living in her house rent free, not co reuniting to he household. You have been addicted to drugs and stole from your parents in the past. Your mum obviously has trust issues, and whilst she isn’t acting in a ‘good’ way, I can see why she is how you describe.

What are you doing with yourself now? Do you work? How do you spend your days? Do you still take drugs/drink alcohol?

It sounds like you had an emotionally neglectful childhood. But it’s up to you to make something of your life. There’s no reason that you e given that you can’t move forward and live a happy meaningful life.

Have you had therapy?

Sarah22xx · 01/11/2018 19:20

Sorry but grow up, you've stolen money from your parents, you smash things in anger then you wonder why your mum treats you like a child!

HellenaHandbasket · 01/11/2018 19:21

What Lethal said tbh.

HellenaHandbasket · 01/11/2018 19:25

They don't sound great, but not that awful

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/11/2018 19:27

You need to move out and create your own life.

ChicagoLil · 01/11/2018 19:31

You need to get onto the Stately Homes thread to put things in perspective.

SaucyJack · 01/11/2018 19:35

Come on mate. You’re nearly 30.

Time to captain your own ship if you don’t like the way life is going for you under your parents roof.

Blanchedupetitpois · 01/11/2018 19:36

It sounds like a toxic situation all round. Your parents probably find it hard to trust you, and you are very old to be living at home rent free so I can see why they would be resentful. But it doesn’t sound like your parents have been great either.

You need your own place, your own job, independence and responsibility. From there you will see if your relationships can be rebuilt.

Gigglebrain · 01/11/2018 19:36

It sounds like you've made some big mistakes, but you’ve realised, and are trying to put the past behind you and move forward with your life. Unfortunately, your mum is still wrapped up in ‘what you used to be’ and cannot see past that (it must have been a very traumatic time for her, so you can kind of understand that). You now need some support and care to help you through this, have you considered counselling? Alone, and maybe with your mum? Have you tried sitting down with your mum and telling her what you’ve said on here?
Sending you a hug.

Alfie190 · 01/11/2018 19:41

What is your question?!

SnuggyBuggy · 01/11/2018 19:41

I think sometimes it's not a case of a person being toxic but people being a toxic combination. You living with your parents clearly isn't working for either of you.

Do you have a plan for being able to move out and make a life for yourself?

BaldricksCoffee · 01/11/2018 19:43

I would say that your behaviour up to now is a direct result of the way you were treated by your family throughout your entire childhood, and as a young adult. You should have been protected from the continued abuse you suffered at the hands of your brother and you weren't. Your parents are the people who are supposed to love you and care for you no matter what, and they have completely let you down.

Now is the time to wrest yourself free from these toxic people and make a new life for yourself. Flowers

Weirdpenguin · 01/11/2018 19:45

In your last sentence you make a judgement about your parents' motivation. How can you be sure that they don't do things for you but only to look good? It all sounds tangled and complicated and I agree that counselling for yourself and later with your mother could be helpful. It sounds like you are reacting to each other and getting pulled into a downward spiral. If you want more trust from your Mum you need to win it by changing your own responses, its the only place you can start.

Allthewaves · 01/11/2018 19:46

You need to start taking charge of your own life. Them to past your.mother is always going to be concerned/invading while you live at home.

You need some space and stand on tour own two feet. Make a plan for your life and start paying money back to your parents


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HoustonBess · 01/11/2018 19:48

It's not about who's right or wrong here, this is a situation where no one is happy so change it. Take responsibility for that yourself. Get a job, move out, pay for counselling. Then you can decide what sort of relationship you want with your family, when independence is actually possible. Right now you're being passive aggressive, and your mum is being passive aggressive, and nothing is getting resolved.

Alfie190 · 01/11/2018 19:49

You have had an upbringing I could only dream about. Stop your whining and feeling sorry for yourself, you have no idea what hardship is.

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 19:49

Actually I wouod say your parents are the issue there.
Both when You were a child (they didn’t protect you at all from a bully) and now (who in earth says to their own child to go and kill themselves because they are boring???)
And why are they still so controlling? Yes u are 29yo, have got back in your feet (Not drinking or using drugs anymore). Why wouod they need to check every single movement???

I gather that you are living with them still. Are you working at all?

The best th8ng you can do is the step back and away for them. Put some distance. I suspect this will solve a lot of your ‘downs’ moments tbh.
And it will allow you to start living your life for yourself.

I wouod advise to go and see a. Good counsellor too. It sounds like there is a lot you need to unravel about your childhood and the way your mum acts towards you.

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