Is she the toxic one...or am I?

[hillhouse92]

I’m 29.

From the outside- I had a good childhood. Lots of presents on birthdays/Christmas, imaginative birthday parties, private school education, nice family holidays. The reality is much different.

I’ve always felt I don’t belong in my family. They are all (immediate and extended bar a few) very academic and have good, middle class jobs (doctors, teachers, lawyers- you get the jist). I am not at all academic- struggled through school because half the time I didnt understand what was going on and because I was badly bullied. School brushed it under the carpet and wrote me off as being “lazy”.

My brother is a borderline genius. Did very well at school, oxbridge university education and has a very good, high earning job. We have never got a long- he has always been a bully, calling me stupid and general other abuse. As stupid as it sounds one event sticks out- he had hit me, resulting me locking myself in the bathroom and him laughing through the door that my parents wouldn’t believe me. And I knew it was true.

Left school, got involved in the wrong crowd. Drank excessively and got involved in drugs. I will admit I ended up stealing several thousand pounds off my parents and the guilt has consumed me since.

This all stopped about 4 years ago (one day it just hit me I wasn’t enjoying myself and didnt want those people in my life anymore) and fell into a major depression. My mum while on the outside pretending to be the perfectly understanding parent told me “it was boring her and to snap out of it or just kill myself”.

I still have my off days now and she doesn’t understand I just need to be left alone when I do- she will be a goady twat telling me to “get a grip” “when are you going to get over this” etc and I will admit sometimes my emotion turns to anger and I have broken things, punched doors etc. I do admit I need to seek help because of this but it has been ingrained I should be ashamed and I’m too embarrassed or scared.

My mother tries to invade in every aspect of my life- I have to tell her where I am going every time I go out, she will go through my bag/car, searches my room when I’m out, will listen in on my phone calls. I know I’ve “rebelled” in the past and yes I do live in their home rent free, but surely I’m entitled to some privacy?

I don’t doubt I haven’t been given nice things in my life, and I do appreciate it, but they don’t do it for me- they do it so to the outside they look perfect.

AIBU?

Alfie that smacks of jealousy.
How can a childhood consisting of been bullied and ignored is been ideal?

Have you ever earned back your trust with your mother though?

Like you, I was a wreck when younger, I left school at 16, smoked lots and lots of weed failed my exams constantly went out for days at a time, stole from my mum and grandparents, tried to run away to England

Until I matured out of it and got 'morals' and the guilt has too consumed me ever since. I cry thinking about what I put my family through. However my mum trusts me again since a couple of years ago and I treat her well. Same with my grandparents, I build back up my relationship with them but I know sometimes they must think 'this girl can hide anything, what else could she lie about'

I feel like I've hard done myself completely, came from a great family, and acted like a scumbag as a teenager. It will affect me throughout, I am a much much better person now, and will continue to be.

You are stuck in a parent/child dynamic- but you are too old for this now, and you need to move out and move on, then you have a chance of resetting this with your mum and dad.

You need to take control of your own life. Why do you feel you can't do this? It seems that you are stuck in child hood mode. You sound like a teenager, full of angst and rage. Why don't you pay board? Is this a normal dynamic in your family? By living like this you're handing control of your life to your parents. Where is your father in all this?

You're only 29 OP and the fact is your parents are not going to be around forever - they won't be around to provide for you as a safety net forever either.
you might not see it this way but possibilities at 29 are yours to go and get - a job, a roof of your own, relationships maybe motherhood in time if you want it. Crack on. Stop navel gazing, get a basic money earning job and make your own life.

I am not at all academic- struggled through school because half the time I didnt understand what was going on and because I was badly bullied. School brushed it under the carpet and wrote me off as being “lazy”.

Have you ever consider you may be on the Autistic spectrum @hillhouse92?

The root of your issues seem to come from feeling misunderstood and disorganised at school. Symptoms in females are often missed, I'd imagine even more so in private schooling.

Ultimately you can't change the past, nor can you change your parents to make them be the parents you really wanted them to be. I think a bit of therapy and a bit of distance between you and your parents is probably a good idea just now.

Only you can make yourself happy, start working on being kind to yourself.

What are your finances like OP? In your shoes I'd be looking to get a FT (or near enough) job and moving out.

Some good advice here, OP. It sounds to me like your mum tried the tough love approach with her comment about boring her with your troubles. Not ideal but parenting isn't an exact science.

You need to hold yourself more accountable - if you blame others for your misfortune then you tell yourself you're powerless to change your situation. Own your actions and know that you, and only you, have the power to change your life.

Your family is horrifically too and people on this thread have no idea how damaging this kind of crap is when its the environment you grow up. It damages every single aspect of your sense of self and your ability to function.

This kind of crap takes years to resolve and you need to get good therapeutic support (harder to find than you would think).

My advice - which I don't say flippantly - is move to the other side of the world. Read as much as you can on toxic parents (outofthefog is a good site to start) and try to find a good therapist (you might have to go through a few to get a good one).

Ignore the people on this threat who think you just need to get a grip. It shows a lack of understanding of the fundamental damage a toxic childhood can do.

“it was boring her and to snap out of it or just kill myself”.

This is an horrifically abusive thing to say btw. And I imagine she has said many many more things throughout your life.

She is toxic and you are the product of that toxicity.

You can't just "hold yourself more accountable" because I imagine that your very sense of self has never properly developed because it was in such a toxic environment.

So you need to unstrap the toxicity and then develop a functional sense of self.

It's very hard work but it can be done!

You keep saying 'i admit I do x'. These aren't things you just need to 'admit' but to face full on and question why you do them. With the aim of not doing those things any more and learning how to grow as a person.

No ijustwantasofa the OP doesn't need to 'face full on and question why you do them' - she has suffered years of abuse, none of which was her fault. She is the victim in this situation ffs.

You sound very difficult.You are 29 years old acting like a teenager. You are living with them rent free and breaking their doors. If you want privacy, buy your own house.

Your parents don't sound toxic, they sound like people who have said a couple of things in anger having been driven to it.

The childhood thing is a separate issue. You can't behave badly as a adult and blame it on your upbringing. You are responsible for your own actions.

The childhood thing is a separate issue. You can't behave badly as a adult and blame it on your upbringing

How you behave in adulthood is determined by what you experience and what you are taught during childhood.

When you have suffered the incredibly abusive childhood that the OP appears to have - which seems to have continued into an adulthood very controlled by an abusive dynamic with her mother you don't know how to behave functionally.

You sound as bad as each other tbh

Stop blaming your childhood for the situation you find yourself in now , lots of people have shitty starts in life and tbh yours doesn’t sound that bad . You want someone to blame for your lack of success , maybe you need to accept hat some of the blame rests with you .
Time to move out and get on with your life .

Do you work op? Could you afford to move out?

baldricks what an odd comment; of course you need to question why you do things like steal thousands of pounds or smash stuff up. If the reason is abuse then this needs dealing with; just pretending it isn't an issue won't help.

I think you need to behave as an adult, take responsibility for yourself and earn their respect. In return they need to give you privacy and support.
Do you have a job? If not, get one and stick at it. Academic ability is nice but a strong work ethic will impress as much.
Consider moving out.
Start taking your part in the household - empty the bin, do the laundry, empty the dishwasher.
Do nice things for your parents who you’ve put through hell.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself over childhood sibling squabbles. Most children have them and don’t turn to drugs because of it.
Then undoubtedly your parents will respond more positively towards you.

"incredibly abusive"...are we reading the same thread? She says she feels she didn't fit in as they were a successful, had everything you'd expect from a comfortable childhood, had a shit time at school and a brother who was mean.

How is any of that "incredibly abusive" or even that unusual? If anyone failed her it was the school.

My mother tries to invade in every aspect of my life- I have to tell her where I am going every time I go out, she will go through my bag/car, searches my room when I’m out, will listen in on my phone calls.

I'd call that abuse.

You are 29. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move out and create some distance between you.

But that's the result, not the cause? Where was the abusive childhood you're talking about? She sounds like a mother at the end of her tether with a an adult child living for free in her home, with addiction problems, no job and who has smashed things up in the past. She doesn't trust her.

I wouldn't call that abuse if mum is looking through her bag to see if she is hiding drugs or money that she's stolen. Mum asking where she's going to be because she doesn't know if daughter is going to end up in a drug addled state in the gutter....

We are getting ONE side to this.

It's difficult some jobs such as teachers, you can loose your job just by living with someone with a drug conviction.
After, drugs, anger, and stealing -I wouldn't have had you move back in -they have.

Can you ask them to go to family mediation with you? Regarding Brother -broken record. stock phrases?
'Is it genetic then?' 'At least I'm a kind person and not an abusive one' or whatever rocks your boat- over and over on repeat.
Or I'd say the famous Einstein Quote -if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will always think itself stupid -

Regarding your M -either get a job, education , anger management, your own place etc or try mediation =doesn't seem to be any other way. Maybe it is time for you to start swimming.............

Your Mum treats you like a child because you act like one, You pay no rent, smash things in anger and have stolen thousands. I understand you may have depression but it’s hard for people around you too, you say you like to be left alone but i can imagine it’s hard to for the people around you.