Is she the toxic one...or am I?

[hillhouse92]

I’m 29.

From the outside- I had a good childhood. Lots of presents on birthdays/Christmas, imaginative birthday parties, private school education, nice family holidays. The reality is much different.

I’ve always felt I don’t belong in my family. They are all (immediate and extended bar a few) very academic and have good, middle class jobs (doctors, teachers, lawyers- you get the jist). I am not at all academic- struggled through school because half the time I didnt understand what was going on and because I was badly bullied. School brushed it under the carpet and wrote me off as being “lazy”.

My brother is a borderline genius. Did very well at school, oxbridge university education and has a very good, high earning job. We have never got a long- he has always been a bully, calling me stupid and general other abuse. As stupid as it sounds one event sticks out- he had hit me, resulting me locking myself in the bathroom and him laughing through the door that my parents wouldn’t believe me. And I knew it was true.

Left school, got involved in the wrong crowd. Drank excessively and got involved in drugs. I will admit I ended up stealing several thousand pounds off my parents and the guilt has consumed me since.

This all stopped about 4 years ago (one day it just hit me I wasn’t enjoying myself and didnt want those people in my life anymore) and fell into a major depression. My mum while on the outside pretending to be the perfectly understanding parent told me “it was boring her and to snap out of it or just kill myself”.

I still have my off days now and she doesn’t understand I just need to be left alone when I do- she will be a goady twat telling me to “get a grip” “when are you going to get over this” etc and I will admit sometimes my emotion turns to anger and I have broken things, punched doors etc. I do admit I need to seek help because of this but it has been ingrained I should be ashamed and I’m too embarrassed or scared.

My mother tries to invade in every aspect of my life- I have to tell her where I am going every time I go out, she will go through my bag/car, searches my room when I’m out, will listen in on my phone calls. I know I’ve “rebelled” in the past and yes I do live in their home rent free, but surely I’m entitled to some privacy?

I don’t doubt I haven’t been given nice things in my life, and I do appreciate it, but they don’t do it for me- they do it so to the outside they look perfect.

AIBU?

I also agree with others on the thread you Mum looks in your room and bag to see if you have any drugs, wants to know where you are going to ensure you are safe etc. Every story has two sides. She sounds like a Mum struggling to help her daughter.

You're blaming your parents for your own shitty choices. You're nearly 30, grow up.

I'm really sorry you are having such a terrible time. I think your childhood sounds very hard with the bullying and a possible learning difficulty. Your mum clearly didn't know how to deal or motivate and non academic child and has never really managed to get a grip on the situation. I think her behaviour is unhelpful and abusive and both of you clearly do not know how to repair this relationship or whether it is even possible to do so. Is there a chance you can both commit to some sort of family counselling or mediation, without outside intervention I don't see how the situation will improve. What is your relationship like with your father?

She sounds like a Mum struggling to help her daughter.

Nope I didn’t buy that.
Not with the backstory of what was happening when the OP was a child. Not when the mother was happily not believing her dd been bullied. Nit when that mother chose one child over the other and let bullying ahhpening under her own roof.

There is a thread going on atm where posters are arguing that teenagers can press your buttons so it’s not that bad for a father to slap his dd in the face. Because she was rude you know.
But somehow it’s not ok for a adult to not want someone to go through their possessions.
The OP hasn’t drunk or taken drugs for 4 years. Long enough that there is no more need for the mother to ‘ check on her’. At this point this is controlling behaviour.

The op is also mentioning numerous times about feeling ashamed. And guilty. Why is that? Maybe because said mother has been pulling the guilt onto her for years (and much before the OP went of the rail). See the comments too about ‘just going to kill yourself’ ‘been boring’ and ‘getting a grip’. Roughly all the things you should never say to someone with MH issues.

I’m sorry but the mother here is nowhere near a saint.

Ah I really feel for you OP. That sort of treatment cuts deep. I'm lucky in that my family were great, but I was badly bullied throughout school.

This is going to sound glib but someone I know and have a lot of respect for once said to me "It's not your fault what happened to you, but it is your responsibility to deal with it". Because no one else can do that for you.

Easier said than done of course, but you can do it gradually. In practical terms I agree with others about getting some distance from family. Can you find a cheap house share to start you off? Good luck

I will admit I ended up stealing several thousand pounds off my parents and the guilt has consumed me since.

Has it consumed you to the point of getting a job and paying the money back?

I strongly suspect the answer is No.

You’re 29?! I thought you were barely out of your teens! Move out, you appear to get on poorly with your mum. No wonder she doesn’t trust you.

It can be hard to "just get on with it" if you've had your confidence taken away. You really do need to escape and make your own way. Otherwise things will just stay the same and you will be less able to break away as time goes on. Get some decent therapy to help you move on.

Have you posted about this before? It is all very familiar ?

No-one has said she is a saint. But I am not seeing all the abuse mentioned here.

Gently(ish)...YABU

You have many many advantages others did not. while your childhood may not have been perfect it was better than many.

The reality is at some point you became an adult and now you are now responsible for your life and all the choices you make.

Your “admissions” come across as downplaying what you have put your parents through.
This situation must be very difficult for your parents, especially your mother.

The reality is at your age most people have their shit together. Despite “turning a corner” 4 years ago, you are not a stable independent adult you are an ex(?)addict/substance abuser who has stolen thousands of pounds (still unrepayed by the sounds of it ) who is still living in your parents house and eating their food. Your mum is on your case most likely because she’s terrified of what you are getting up to.

As a question: Do you financially contribute? Do you help clean the house? Wash your own clothes? Help them out in general?

Bluntly, my advice is if you think you are so hard done by grown up and act like an adult move out and go NC with them all.

Can you not get your life in order OP and get your own place? Aren't you a bit old to be living at home rent free?