To ask for holiday advice. Feeling guilty and stuck in the middle of DS and Mum

[Bitchbe]

Every year my Mum very very kindly pays for a holiday for us and we go together as my Dad can't travel due to medical issues. I am very grateful for this. My Mum loves going on holiday so much but is wary of going alone. She has health issues too and hasn't been well at all and tbh given her health issues has made it clear she doesn't know how many holidays she has left .

For years this worked brilliantly but now it's become a minefield.

DS is now older and wants entertainment, a pool and things to do. He loves Haven type holidays due to the sport and activities and they now do bushcraft type stuff.

My Mum is over 70 and wants to sit outside on the balcony in shade in warm weather and read.Getting out is now a struggle for her. She doesn't actually go in the sun but she likes it to be sunny .

The last two holidays I have ended up massively stressed.

Last year we went abroad. After it was booked by Mum I found out it was a hotel resort aimed for older adults. We found out it was heavily booked up by regulars over 60 and we saw posts saying children weren't welcome.
We arrived to no one under 60 on the resort and people scowling if DS so much as made a noise. No entertainment or activities and in middle of no where so not easy to get off resort. I spent the week on edge and very uncomfortable.

This year Mum booked Haven, she booked the nicest caravans but these were away from everything so I spent all week with Mum stuck in the caravan and DS wanting to go out as Mum didn't want to get a closer caravan.

My Mum is now wanting to book to go back abroad for next year. DS is steadfast refusing to go after last year and my Mum will be very upset if he doesn't and I'm again stuck in the middle.

Help!

What about a cruise? She can relax etc he can go to the teen play room set.

I usually suggest places from the brochure suitable or within price range but then somewhere else gets booked and at the end of the day she has paid.

Have you asked why this happens - or explained why you're picking those resorts and not others?

If you have and she's not listening, I'd suggest not going again or trying a much shorter break.

If not have a frank talk during which you can say what would suit you better while also being very grateful that she's doing this for you. Persumably she wants everyone happy on holiday she may not realise that you haven't been last few years.

Will have a look at Eurocamp thank you! My Mum wouldn't manage in a tent but I'm guessing they might have other accomodation. I thought you needed to have a car really for those though to get about. Will have a look if any are central.

No one to leave DS at home with.
My Mum wouldn't go if DS didn't and it would cause huge upset.

In regards to activities DS spent the week at Haven does bushcraft stuff and loved it more than anything but he's happy to do other stuff.

I did think of something like a cruise but wasn't sure if it was massively out of budget.

I have vetoed a two week coach journey around Europe already this week!

I've even suggested that we go when DS is away at camp but she doesn't want him to not come.

Look at Pierre vacance - French company not unlike haven with kids clubs etc, Normandy is really nice and not far to drive. Also look at carisma, British company but with nice mobile homes in France again kids clubs run by them and sports, no need for you to supervise. We stayed once on a wonderful site near Carole in Italy which had amazing facilities and an hour to Venice for a day trip - might be interesting for your mum as we went mostly on ferries with very little walking.

The nice thing about carisma was they had specific teen activities aimed at kids on their own - I went when I was a teen and we have used them with our own teenagers! Really safe sites, even at primary age we let them go about on their own

Bitchbe I wouldnt do a Eurocamp holiday, a grandparent really does need to be in to this and my sprightly DM hated it

I have bigkite Ds can be a blooming nightmare when bored and I have frequently suggested places that have something for him.
Like I said she booked Haven for him as she knew how bored he had been .

anniehm thank you that sounds good so will look into it

How about Jersey? That suits all ages. Plenty to do. Nice restaurants, museums, shops, castles, beaches, activities, cycle hire, swimming pool with flumes, bowling.

You don't have to always be joined at the hip. As an example, if you stayed in St Brelades Bay there are rooms overlooking the sea, your mum could read and enjoy the views while your son did kayaking on the beach. Just an example.

It still sounds very solvable to me, in keeping the 2 of them happy.

You and your son don't have to be out all day then stay in all evening to avoid the guilt trip of going out. If you go out and about in the morning, say, than have lunch with her and spend some time with her in the afternoon, surely he could then go to the evening entertainment. If going out all day robs him of what he wants to do in the evening, tweak the days! He sounds like a good lad, and it sounds like your mum's made a couple of decisions that haven't panned out brilliantly but with a tweak or two could be avoided next time.

However it doesn't sound like loads of fun for you in the middle. If you would rather have a week at home with DS and do some daytrips out then do be honest with yourself and your mum about that. Don't let her pay for it and feel guilty about it if you don't even want to be there in the first place. My son has autism and I think if I didn't have DH there to tag team with, I'd probably favour staying home! It's no sort of holiday if you don't want to be there.

I've been in your sons position my entire life. My mother is a full time carer for aunties and grandparents and her grandchildren. Whenever we go anywhere or do anything everything must be to the elderly relatives (old but not in any ill health) or children's wants. I have never had a vote on what we're doing, where we're going or anything either as a child or now as an adult. As a result I am resentful of them and as a rule don't engage with them or my mother because the expectation is there that I will just do what they want to keep the peace, and I won't, I refuse to sideline my needs, wants or enjoyment (especially as I pay for myself) for theirs for no reason other than the fact they're older than I am and my mother wants me to. Age does not equal entitlement and unless you want to alienate your son, you'll need to either come to a compromise or stop the holidays entirely.

I realise that as an Autistic person I have a very black and white view of the world so my reaction may not be typical, but that's just how it made me feel. I felt that to my mother what I wanted or needed wasn't important, I knew she did/does this because she loves my granparents and aunties/uncles but because she didn't even here me I still doubt how much she loves me in comparison, because my needs are always an afterthought.

I bet that an independent travel
Agent would be able to find something suitable. That's their expertise!
Fix a date, list your priorities and compromises and then take it to a TA and let them come up with something you can all be happy with.

We have recently (two weeks ago) stayed at the Jiva Beach Hotel (with Jet2) near Fetiye in Turkey. It is a big all-inclusive hotel but was well laid out as there was an "active" pool where they had things like water polo etc and there is a water slide pool but there is also a quieter pool and much quieter shady bars and sitting areas. There is a small amphitheatre and the entertainment was surprisingly good (fire juggling, acrobatics etc). I had never been on an all-inclusive holiday but was surprised by how good the food was. It is on the beach so tonnes for DS to do and it is about a mile walk to the nearby town (Chalis) and a short bus ride into Fetiye for markets etc.

I think that sort of hotel might suit all of you. There are quieter places and plenty to do. Also, it is very level and there were a lot of people there who had mobility issues who seemed to be well accommodated.

What about a cruise? Your mum can sit on the balcony or by the pool, lots of entertainment for all age groups and teen clubs for your son. You can get some good deals on some ships.

Satsumaeater I've been eyeing up Jersey tbh. I haven't been in around ten years but we all loved it and I remember there being tons to do! It was easy to get about too from memory.

Take a look at first choice holiday village or Thomsons family life collection, both have something that would suit all of you!

What about somewhere like Majorca that has teenage clubs. We stayed in Cala dor at the inturotel Sa Marina, lovely hotel which had a club for teenagers. They also had a kids club and there was lots of entrenched of you wanted it. If you didn’t, you could spend your days on the balcony.
There was a ‘rowdy pool’ which allowed inflatables and a stage and another which was quiet and no inflatables. They also did sailing and wake boarding for teens.
Lots of places nearby to eat out or you could stay in the hotel.

Ds should be more appreciative that his gran is taking him on holiday a lot of kids don't get a holiday.

Doesn't sound like ds is getting much of a holiday, @fuzzyduck1.

Gran should be more appreciative of the company she's getting on holiday and book somewhere more suitable.

I last went abroad 6 years ago. I’ve tried convincing my mum to just book a holiday abroad but she just won’t. Money isn’t a problem, she books 3 different holidays to caravan holidays and Butlins which all 3 added up would cost more than going abroad which I don’t understand. I’m fed up of going to the same place in the same old country repeatedly and just want to travel and see new things, how do I get her to change her mind and book for a place abroad?