To ask for holiday advice. Feeling guilty and stuck in the middle of DS and Mum

[Bitchbe]

Every year my Mum very very kindly pays for a holiday for us and we go together as my Dad can't travel due to medical issues. I am very grateful for this. My Mum loves going on holiday so much but is wary of going alone. She has health issues too and hasn't been well at all and tbh given her health issues has made it clear she doesn't know how many holidays she has left .

For years this worked brilliantly but now it's become a minefield.

DS is now older and wants entertainment, a pool and things to do. He loves Haven type holidays due to the sport and activities and they now do bushcraft type stuff.

My Mum is over 70 and wants to sit outside on the balcony in shade in warm weather and read.Getting out is now a struggle for her. She doesn't actually go in the sun but she likes it to be sunny .

The last two holidays I have ended up massively stressed.

Last year we went abroad. After it was booked by Mum I found out it was a hotel resort aimed for older adults. We found out it was heavily booked up by regulars over 60 and we saw posts saying children weren't welcome.
We arrived to no one under 60 on the resort and people scowling if DS so much as made a noise. No entertainment or activities and in middle of no where so not easy to get off resort. I spent the week on edge and very uncomfortable.

This year Mum booked Haven, she booked the nicest caravans but these were away from everything so I spent all week with Mum stuck in the caravan and DS wanting to go out as Mum didn't want to get a closer caravan.

My Mum is now wanting to book to go back abroad for next year. DS is steadfast refusing to go after last year and my Mum will be very upset if he doesn't and I'm again stuck in the middle.

Help!

It appears to be very generous of your mum to pay for an annual holiday but that’s only the case if everyone gets to enjoy it. I’m not surprised your son is feeling mutinous if his wishes are completely sidelined. It sounds like the only person getting what they want at the moment (company on holiday and facilities that suit only them) is your mum but surely this can be resolved by a conversation before anything else is booked. My advice would be, tell your mum that you’re grateful for the offer to pay but your son’s needs are important and you can only go if the holiday works for everyone (yourself included). A favour isn’t a favour if it’s something you don’t want.

After it was booked by Mum I found out it was a hotel resort aimed for older adults. We found out it was heavily booked up by regulars over 60 and we saw posts saying children weren't welcome.

That's not a very good holiday to pick when holidaying with a child - even if you are paying. I wonder if she's not actully keen on going on holiday with your DS now he's older ?

so I spent all week with Mum stuck in the caravan and DS wanting to go out as Mum didn't want to get a closer caravan

This sound a better considered holiday but can't see why DS and you were stuck in.

Maybe say thanks but no thanks to holiday this year? Or find a better compromise.

I don't understand why you and your son didn't go over to the entertainment centre at the Haven park? He could have joined in the activities with the other children, he may have made some friends. No wonder the poor child doesn't want to go on holiday with his mum and grandmother again.

As for next year's holiday, there are plenty of resorts that cater for all age groups. Alternatively, do a separate holiday for you and your son where there are children's clubs and entertainment, and go somewhere more genteel with your mum on your own.

What age is your DS?

I have been in this situation and I have concluded that;

1. Its can be really difficult to holiday as a family when a grandparent is on their own
2. There are 2 types of holidaying grandparents, those who go with what the children enjoy, get a kick out of that and don't necessarily look for what they want out of a holiday or those who want their holiday and wont compromise for the grandchildren.
3. Holidays with almost or early teens and grandparents often don't work - the needs are too disparate.

However your DM is paying so you have little say in the choice

There are lots of different ways you could do it.
You go on your holiday with your mum on your own. Book another holiday with your ds and your dh? You could do this at different times of they year.
You could book a sunshine holiday and have entertainment for children nearby. So what is the problem?

Your poor ds, sounds bloody boring if your a child. No wonder he doesn’t want to go, neither would I.

Why on Earth didn’t you leave your mum in the caravan and take the poor kid to do some activities?

I wouldn’t be going again unless the holiday was better thought out, I don’t care if the mum is paying that doesn’t mean everyone else has to have a rubbish time.

Have you explained all this to mum

Have only skim read and I'm replying on basis of offering suggestions where you could all have a nice time .

I'm really inexperienced in the holiday field but we ( partner and son in 20s ) had an easy going time in Rimini .Lovely hotel with balcony to sit on .Roof top pool was a bit too hot but saw many hotels with small pools to sit round .

V accesible beaches with footpaths all way down to sea and some little hardstandings next to sun loungers .

Free bikes to explore old town for son . Nice shopping area to sit and watch ppl or promenade ..

How old is DS and what is the situation with his father?

Somewhere like Spain in a resort sounds a compromise? She can sit on the balcony, he can do stuff, you alas still don't get a proper break as you'll be between them both but if they're happy hopefully you can relax

On the face of it your DM has been doing a lovely thing but it's time for a change before it becomes a routine that you can't break. I would talk to her and explain the situation nicely, I wouldn't mention that your DS is refusing to go but that he wants to do more activities. If she is reasonable I am sure you can come to a compromise but if not it is time for a rethink. If it becomes clear that these holidays are more for her than the rest of you, could you suggest that she goes with a friend or other family member? It is quite right that she gets the holiday that she wants if she is paying but it doesn't mean that you have a holiday that you don't want.

Let ds take a friend.

Depending on your budget - a cruise would be perfect. Your mum could find a nice quiet spot to read in a sheltered spot, the kids clubs have all sorts of activities for your ds and then on port days you can enjoy exploring the port while your Mum can pitiless gently around the shop which will be much quieter than on a sea day.
Nice food. Entertainment for all ages. Relaxed. Plenty to do if you want. Plus there will be things aimed at ‘old’ people which your mum might enjoy too. And she might be inspired to get a bit more active by some of the other old people on board - last time we were on a cruise dh and I got into a fascinating conversation with a pair of 90 yr olds who were busier than we were (and we thought that we were pretty active!)

Well since she hasn't booked yet, you need to say to her that it needs to be somewhere that has activities for children/ teens otherwise DS will be bored, he can;t be expected to sit on a balcony all day.
Tell her you'll be taking Ds to some activities - and will she be happy being on her own during those times.
If she's not happy then say DS won't be coming because it isn't fair to ask him to sit and do nothing for a week.
It's lovely that she is paying, but you don;t take a child/teen away and expect them to do nothing all day - that is ludicrous.
She's either got to accept that you will be accompanying him to activities and the resort will need to be one that accomodates children, or DS will not be coming

Is leaving him at home with someone an option - I'm thinking if your mum want a quiet holiday, reading and sitting (and that's fine - her holiday her choice of what she does) and you are happy to go along with her for company and you don't mine staying in, then she needs to accept that it is not a holiday for a child. compromise or he doesn't come essentially.
Just discuss it with her, and ask her to let you help choosing somewhere that suits everyone.

However your DM is paying so you have little say in the choice

My dh pays for our summer holiday. Does that mean ds and I don't get any say in what the holiday entails? I don't think it does. Granted the arrangement is because op's mum likes going on holiday but doesn't want to go on her own, but that surely doesn't mean everyone aside from her has to have a holiday that is totally inappropriate to their needs.

Why did op's mum book at least one holiday that was CLEARLY inappropriate for her grandson? Does she resent his coming along and want him to stay at home instead?

OP definitely needs to talk this out with her mum before the issue comes up again, it really isn't fair on the ds.

What about something like eurocamp? If you pick a big enough site there’ll be lots to do and it will have kids’ clubs. I worked at one one summer while at uni. Was in the south of France so very sunny, site had a big outdoor pool with slides, mini golf, table tennis, tennis courts, there was a PGL club that did archery and had a climbing wall, and eurocamp had kids’ clubs for all ages (the teen club went off site and did canoeing and various things).

There must be lots of places like this, as it’s not just grandparents who might want a relaxing holiday, that also provides activities for older children.

Have a look at los amigos beach club near benalmedena in Spain. Stayed there a few years ago and it was full of grandparents and their children. It was relatively small so grandma should manage to sit in the shade by the pool. Or you can book accommodation which is an apartment around the pool.

Am reading this in astonishment. If I was in the OPs situation and had to choose whether to leave my mum in the holiday accommodation alone or not, I'd be bricking it because my mother would NOT have taken it well; we were generally accepted as being responsible for her emotional needs. Entertaining my child would have been seen as stupidly indulgent to the child.

I'm not saying it was right, but am amazed at how many of you don't even consider parental emotional blackmail as a possible explanation for Op's difficulty!

Contessa it could well be but the OP has not said as much. In my scenario that is most definitely the case and that is why holidays with my DM and children dont work

I think the you are right Contessa I think parental emotional blackmail is the only reason why she is having difficulty otherwise its an easy issue to solve

id book a sunshine eurocamp in spain or italy.

I'm not saying it was right, but am amazed at how many of you don't even consider parental emotional blackmail as a possible explanation for Op's difficulty

I've experience of that from both parents and IL and THB my own DGP before that.

You avoid bad situations where you can - or you try and sell compromises or just get on and do what you need and ignore the fall out.

It’s obviously harder when they are paying for something so we try and avoid those situations.

OP can your DS stop with someone else - or can you sell a location with kid’s club - if not I'd say thank you but not this year or not till DS is older and just keep saying that and ignore any emotional blackmail.

Or possibly offer a long weekend rather than a week - if that looks endurable for everyone.

Sorry will go back and read now but to answer questions.

This is the only holiday we get . My Mum pays as she knows we wouldn't get a holiday otherwise anywhere.

I didn't word the Haven bit right. I meant that I was stuck feeling guilty as Mum couldn't get out alone so was stuck in the caravan but DS wanted to be out. I did take him to activities (he's a young teen but has some needs so I had to go with him ) but it constantly felt like we were aware of the time as my Mum had been on her own all day unable to leave the caravan and he was getting stressed about that. He didn't want to go to the entertainment most nights when I knew he would have liked to (and I did take him sometimes ) because he knew my Mum had been alone all day and she had paid for the holiday.

In regards to the resorts she has picked child friendly ones for years but now he is a teen she thinks places for adults will be fine. They would be if there was any entertainment at night and we could get off site in the day. The last place
was an hour's walk to anything. Ds spent all week on wifi!

She definitely wants him to go as he's told her in the past he doesn't want to and she was upset.

I usually suggest places from the brochure suitable or within price range but then somewhere else gets booked and at the end of the day she has paid.

She usually pays up to £1200 - £1400 inc usually a free child place and wants quiet gardens or balconies in the shade with palm trees.
DS wants discos and night entertainment, party dances and activities during the day.

We went on a holiday through work years ago to a Mark Warner resort and that was perfect for her as the kids were occupied elsewhere all day and she could just potter around but I don't have that kind of budget!

We've tried taking a friend previously but DS social skills are rubbish and they fell out and now DS doesn't want to take anyone anymore.

Bitchbe it sounds like the holiday together just wont work so I would just go with your mum for maybe 5 days

I do this, except that I pay for me & DS (15) & I choose the resort. I do feel stuck in between DS & DM, but I have expectations of them both! I expect DM (late 60s & frankly idle, rather than I’ll) to accept that I will do things with DS. She is welcome to come, but otherwise we will go without her. Both options have been used - I don’t think she likes it when we go without her, but she hasn’t moaned outright. I expect DS to remember Granny is there & make efforts to talk to her & recognise her needs - & he’s pretty good at that! And I do one thing per week holiday that is my choice for me - either or both of them can come, but that I am doing. This summer I met a colleague who was nearby & went to an off-the-beaten track beach with her & then to a local market. DS came - most reluctantly, but he preferred that to staying. Granny stayed. You are all on holiday, not just your DM! And frankly if I played it your way, both DS & I would end up very cross & not be pleasant company for Granny, anyway! You are a better woman than me if you can keep your patience for a whole week under those circumstances!