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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for holiday advice. Feeling guilty and stuck in the middle of DS and Mum

70 replies

Bitchbe · 01/11/2018 10:56

Every year my Mum very very kindly pays for a holiday for us and we go together as my Dad can't travel due to medical issues. I am very grateful for this. My Mum loves going on holiday so much but is wary of going alone. She has health issues too and hasn't been well at all and tbh given her health issues has made it clear she doesn't know how many holidays she has left .

For years this worked brilliantly but now it's become a minefield.

DS is now older and wants entertainment, a pool and things to do. He loves Haven type holidays due to the sport and activities and they now do bushcraft type stuff.

My Mum is over 70 and wants to sit outside on the balcony in shade in warm weather and read.Getting out is now a struggle for her. She doesn't actually go in the sun but she likes it to be sunny .

The last two holidays I have ended up massively stressed.

Last year we went abroad. After it was booked by Mum I found out it was a hotel resort aimed for older adults. We found out it was heavily booked up by regulars over 60 and we saw posts saying children weren't welcome.
We arrived to no one under 60 on the resort and people scowling if DS so much as made a noise. No entertainment or activities and in middle of no where so not easy to get off resort. I spent the week on edge and very uncomfortable.

This year Mum booked Haven, she booked the nicest caravans but these were away from everything so I spent all week with Mum stuck in the caravan and DS wanting to go out as Mum didn't want to get a closer caravan.

My Mum is now wanting to book to go back abroad for next year. DS is steadfast refusing to go after last year and my Mum will be very upset if he doesn't and I'm again stuck in the middle.

Help!

OP posts:
NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 01/11/2018 10:59

Can you book a Holiday Village with the entertainment for DS and a sunny balcony for your DM? If he does some kids clubs you can spend time with your DM?

iwantavuvezela · 01/11/2018 10:59

I think you need to have a conversation with your mum - tell her how lovely it is that she provides this holiday - but as your son is getting older, his needs have changed and there needs to be some compromise. Could you research some alternatives that would suit both you, your mum and your son that you could show her how this could work for all of you? Perhaps she just needs a nudge in the right direction?

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2018 10:59

How old is your ds and what does he like doing?

OverTheHedgeSammy · 01/11/2018 11:00

Stuck in the middle? You haven't been in the middle, you've been firmly on your mum's side. What she has wanted, she has got. What has your DS got out of it at all?!

I think if you agree to a holiday, then your DM needs to compromise BIG time.

Out of curiosity, why were you stuck in the caravan with your DM and your DS? Why didn't you just leave your DM there and head to the activities with your DS? Do you feel obliged to spend all day with her?

Jimpix · 01/11/2018 11:00

If your mum pays for you and ds, could you afford to take ds on a holiday that he’d enjoy? Would he suck uo the holiday with your mum if there was promise of another holiday?

pinkhorse · 01/11/2018 11:01

How old is ds? Do you have any siblings that could go on holiday with your mum?
Does ds get any other holidays throughout the year or is this his only one?

TriKitGirl · 01/11/2018 11:05

How old is your DS? If school age, then depending on what you can afford, look for a resort that has kids clubs - eg, Mark Warner, Club Med. They are fantastic, do masses of sports and activities and cater for all ages - and assuming you're going out of term time, there will be lots of other kids for your DS to hang out with. As you and your mother appear to be close, then you shouldn't have any trouble raising this with her. Then when you've chosen the place, you can tell your DS. Or maybe let the DS help choose which will make him feel he has a role in the planning. Good luck!

Looneytune253 · 01/11/2018 11:05

For the holiday with your mum, of course she should choose (with consideration obv) as she’s paying for the holiday. Hopefully you could reach a compromise of somewhere with lots to do for kids too and if mum wants to sit on balcony and read (as is her perogative ) then I see no reason you need to stay with her? Go out and have a good time with your little one.
Then when it’s your holiday book a haven type one for you and ds. I would be overjoyed to get a free holiday every year and then could pay for my own perfect one too.

HellenaHandbasket · 01/11/2018 11:07

Look for a haven type place abroad. Or a Mark Warner type thing.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/11/2018 11:07

I agree that you sound very much on your mums side in this and she is being selfish dragging DS to holidays not suitable for him just because she doesn't want to go alone. You need to stand up to her, if its not something you can all enjoy then she will need to go with a friend or another relative. I feel really sorry for your DS, the holiday abroad sounds awful for him.

Alfie190 · 01/11/2018 11:08

You are not stuck in the middle of anything, you are allowing it to happen when I am sure it can be resolved in a number of ways. Is your son’s father around, could he spend a week with him, or with any other relatives whilst you go away with your mum?

If not, well you have to be firm and say that you need to agree somewhere together that suits everyone’s needs.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2018 11:12

if your mum is paying couldnt your DS take a friend which you could pay for?

InfantaSybilla · 01/11/2018 11:13

I can't see why it's difficult to find a hotel which is suitable for you all. There are plenty of places which provide kids entertainment but have adult only areas and almost all sunny resort hotels have rooms with balconies!!

I think you're going to have to explain to your DM that it's very kind of her to pay but if your Ds is going to be bored then you will all be miserable and that you need to find a hotel that suits you all otherwise you won't be going.

AgentProvocateur · 01/11/2018 11:16

If your mum’s paying, she gets the final say. Can you leave your DS at home with his dad and take him another time?

Fishforclues · 01/11/2018 11:19

How old is your DS? Very difficult to say much without knowing that.

It all sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup though. 2 years' ago hotel, disaster, fair enough but why did the caravan being far away stop your DS doing the activities? Surely you were "allowed out", you didn't both have to babysit your mum all day?

Next year's holiday sounds very doable if your mum would be amenable to booking somewhere that has a pool, maybe some archery/table tennis etc and not specifically for the over 60s. It's a fairly modest adjustment. I would appeal to your mum on the grounds that the more there is for DS to do, the more of a holiday it is for you and her! It's not about focussing the holiday round DS, it's giving everyone a break. But check what she has in mind first. I wouldn't be surprised if she is ahead of you and already thinking of going somewhere with more to occupy him.

teaandtoast · 01/11/2018 11:19

Actually I think she's blackmailing you a bit with her health concerns!

This is ds's holiday too...oh, of course it isn't. He's just a tick in the grandparent box.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 01/11/2018 11:19

What about pierre et vacances in France. . Lots of options. .

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/11/2018 11:23

Mum's paying. Her needs come first.

Lindy2 · 01/11/2018 11:24

Surely it can't be that difficult to find a holiday park abroad that caters for all ages. Why don't you go to a travel agent together so they can help you find the right holiday for all of you.

Fishforclues · 01/11/2018 11:26

I really don't think it needs to be a very activity focussed, Holiday Village or Mark Warner with tonnes of options. A modest, quiet hotel with a couple of people in an "animation team" organising water polo, kids' games, petanque or whatever and a decent pool should work for you all. DS doesn't need to go kayaking and rock climbing every day, he just needs to be not the only person his age there, and be kept busy a little.

Quartz2208 · 01/11/2018 11:29

what is your budget as I can only think that must be the issue as there are plenty of places abroad that have balconies in the sun and childrens entertainment.

A lot of resorts have adult only pool areas etc and the kids entertainment. The varying needs are only an issue if your Mum doesnt want to go places with children in

You need to take over booking I think get a budget and want they both want and find something suitable. If your Mum is willing to go somewhere where she can sit but also has childrens entertainment there wont be (budget restraints aside) an issue. If she doesnt its time to put a stop to it

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/11/2018 11:29

How old is DS and what's the rough budget?

(There's no point answering as if he's 8 if he's a teen, no point us suggesting things that might be a perfect combo for you if it's £3k over budget)

Piffle11 · 01/11/2018 11:32

If you stop going away with DM, will you not get away at all? I know she's paying, but I think your priority should be DS. She may be doing you a favour by paying, but you're doing her a favour by accompanying her. I think what another poster suggested - you going with DM to a TA to find something suitable for all - is a good idea.

Darkstar4855 · 01/11/2018 11:32

Surely you can holiday somewhere sunny abroad but in a resort that has activities for kids?

LoniceraJaponica · 01/11/2018 11:33

"Why didn't you just leave your DM there and head to the activities with your DS?"

I was wondering this ^^ as well. If all she wants to do is read why does she need you with her all the time?

Surely there must be a middle ground, with a resort that has quiet rooms with balconies, and stuff for your son to do.