To feel this level of rage... (help)

[FookMeFookYou]

This is a difficult share but I’m hoping at least one of you can relate and offer advice. I don’t really know how to word it so I’m just going to stick it down here.

I suffer from (just about) controllable rage. It’s worse at TOTM and I also have higher levels of testosterone due to PCOS so I don’t put any hormones in my body as the levels are already too high.

I wouldn’t say I have anger issues but my tolerance levels are low, however so as not to take this out on my family I bottle it up.. but as you can imagine this causes high stress levels.

There are a few things exacerbating the feelings of anger such as my SAHM situation (its NOT through choice), my worries over my SEN son and isolation since relocating - I don’t see or interact with anyone. I’m angry at all of these things as they stop me from having any quality of life and I hate feeling this way.

The rage is just bubbling under the surface and I’m worried that I’m just going to explode. This isn’t normal ‘getting angry’ shakes fist, this is - if a six foot 280lb man tried to overpower me at the height of this rage, he wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m talking FERAL.

I hate feeling like this. I’ve recently rinsed my quota of counselling services (since having my second child in January) and can't afford private - besides there is no one thing I can put my finger on. This isn't PND. I haven’t tried anything herbal but open to if someone knows of anything that impacts positively on hormones?

So as not to drip feed I am on my own with the kids 7am-7pm and on one income we are living month to month, so I cannot attend classes, the gym etc.

My situation is limiting due to current circs but I'm hoping someone can offer a lightbulb. Sorry it’s long 😬 thanks

I think your anger is justified. You're stuck in a situation you never wanted and are unable to change. Part of your anger is that powerlessness.

Expressing it through writing can be very cathartic, as Juells found. Part of it can be helped medically too if you can bear to talk to your gp. I think you also need more practical help, which perhaps the gp can arrange (probably not in these cash-strapped times) but if they can't they may be able to point you to something local which can.

HI

I think you may be suffering from PMDD premenstrual dysphoric disorder

www.iapmd.org/about-pmdd

I developed postnatal rage as part of my PND, it's a less understood symptom of it. My psychiatrist added a low dose of Fluoxetine and that fixed it.

Thank you all. It's the first time I've ever mentioned this out in the open so I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed but also pleased that I'm not alone - you've helped me realise I'm not being ridiculous and it's something worth pursuing through GP and any other services I may be able to find locally. Thanks again

Good luck, Fookme - hope you get something that helps

What you’re describing would be hard going for anyone. I know when I went from having a demanding job and being very independent to having two small children and being at home I thought I was having a breakdown - my anxiety about it all manifested itself as a very short fuse, I just couldn’t keep my temper (which was great fun with two small children who definitely needed me to be able to manage my anger). Counselling helped me to acknowledge just how much change and loss I was dealing with, my fears that I wouid loose everything that made me “me” and a low dose anti depressant gave me headspace to think before I react and to make some decisions about what I wanted for myself.

I’ve had to accept that I am a different person, motherhood has changed me and that adjustment is ok. I’ve started running, taken up a couple of creative hobbies I can do when the kids are in bed and I make sure I keep in touch with friends even if it’s hard to get out and see them.

How you’re feeling is a natural (if unwanted) result of the huge life changes you’re going through. You deserve support to figure out who you want to be going forward and to mourn the losses that have come your way. Possibly including mourning the hopes and dreams you had for your second child that may need to look different or may not not come to fruition in light of his needs.

Agree with lots of the suggestions above but one more idea which helps me is audio books. I have one on the go for much of the time I’m alone and it provides great escapism from the shit of everyday life. I get that you’re with the kids during the day but if you get time when they’re napping you can listen whilst doing housework etc. Or if you do get to go for a walk or run.

I find myself getting into a cycle where I am so upset and disappointed in myself for feeling angry that it makes it even worse. But if I can recognise this sometimes I can swerve it.

Do you drink a lot of tea, coffee or coke? I’ve recently given up caffeine because of IBS but I’ve found I’m much calmer and less irritable at the TOTM.

Also in terms of exercise, there are loads of videos on YouTube. You’ll be able to find boxercise workouts on there but you may also want to try some yoga meditation. All good for helping to calm the mind. Mindfulness is also good but takes a bit of practice!!

Have you got a Homestart organisation in your area? You can self refer to them and they will match you with a volunteer who can give you time out from looking after the children. Or they are there if you need someone to talk to and can help you access all sorts of different services. It’s such a great charity supporting young families but lots of people either haven’t heard of it or think it is just for extreme cases.

Chocolate is high in caffeine too. it raises my anxiety when I have too much caffeine

when i feel like this I take fluanxol. Its a mild antipsychotic. It quells rage and helps depression and you can take it as and when.
My doctor prescribed it when I wanted a non addictive antidepressant/anti anxiety.

I dont take it all the time anymore as it dulls my libido after a while, but I find it very useful to take around TOTM

Can you take HRT or the pill if you think its hormonal

Thanks to the new ppl who have replied. I probs wasn't too clear about the kids as I was struggling to express my situation. My son is 8 and has ADHD (diagnosed at 5 and medicated since age 7) but since relocating from London last year, I have had to fight again to get him the help he needs. Those with experience of Camhs will know that this is constant chasing, hitting brick walls etc. A smooth transition it was not, despite my best efforts.

We relocated in order to buy a house (impossible in London) and give our son some stability away from the relative unpredictability of renting. Also to access better schools and SENCO provision. However due to the move, leaving his childminder (he had been with her since a year old) his friends and everything he knows, he has been very up and down and now we have hormones coming in to play. In the last year I feel I have lost my bond with my son, we were SO close and now it's like we don't know how to be around one another. This is getting better but slowly.

And now there is also a new baby in the house (my Jan baby, now 10 months) who is taking up some... ok A LOT of my attention. We recognise that and have worked hard before and after having her to prepare him for it and ensure he gets time with us individually and as a family.

Academically my son is where he needs to be or above but socially and emotionally he is behind hence the v v up or down moods. He has always struggled to make friends so relies on me heavily to be his best buddy (which can be very intense) and craves attention constantly. His attention span is max 30 mins. They are very demanding children but hopefully with time and continuing to access additional services for my son this will change.

It does all take up a lot of time (and energy) though so I just don't get any time for myself other than doing the courses I've signed up for but often end up trying to do these at 9pm when my brain is done.

Thanks for the suggestion of audio books. I do have an iPod collecting dust so I should use it.

I've not heard of homestart. We've had intervention from early help since moving here, at my request, as we did reach crisis point during the summer. I will look into it though.

Due to the fertility issues we tried for years to have another (it took a few years to have our son) but we only experienced losses. We gave up trying and decided to move on as a family of 3. Bought the house, sorted schools, finished my job and then 2 weeks before moving found out I was pregnant. Luckily we had bought a 3 bed but it did mean my plans to find a job locally once my son was settled in his new school went out the window. We now can't afford for me to go back to work. Id love to go back to work, even p/t but can't find anything to fit around the fact my husband is gone from 7-7.

Doing the courses is in preparation for when I do get to go back as I would have evidenced my CPD. I've added more stress into the mix trying to do two courses on top of everything else but funding is only available at certain times. Plus I see it as something for me so with longer term benefits.

You do have a lot on your plate with very little support. Do you think maybe theres a chance that you have a neurodiversity and are going a bit into meltdown or shutdown because of the volume of responsibility and stress?

@Branleuse yes it's a lot but I think that's all it is with the only difference being that I'm now in the thick of it with no means of self-soothing. Work was my self-soothe, my chance to be me... someone other than mum or partner. Wearing all the hats is hard for anybody but when you have to do the thinking and carry the emotional load for two other ppl it's just exhausting on top of having a baby. I'm not completely discounting the fact that I could also potentially have something but there's no evidence of it. I don't know my family history as I'm adopted and my birth mum was also adopted so no way of tracing any predispositions. Thanks for replying

OP I have PCOS and when unmanaged get rage. Hormones are the answer, if you're not TTC an anti androgenic contraceptive pill can balance all that testosterone and whilst it's not fun you are likely insulin resistant so carbs and sugar will play havoc with your glucose (can cause rage) and also need up hormonal balance. You need a strict low GI diet and heavy exercise three times a week, those three things combined managed my symptoms and reduced the rage hugely. You need a gynae or endocrinologist who specialises in these things. A dietician can also help

@MrsStrowman I definitely need to get back into the swing of my high protein lo GI diet. I know there's many things that I can do to help manage the condition but I just don't have the time at the moment to fit in the meal prep, the exercise etc. I'm determined to gradually reintroduce things one step at a time though. All the gynaes I've seen have been pretty useless (3 different health providers) regarding PCOS and either completely miss it in my notes or just give a "uh huh" response when I make the point of telling them. An endo is defo where I need to be I think so I'll get on to the GP for that. Im on a PCOS support group and have been talking Myo Inositol for a while now which has made a difference and I've also invested in a home IPL to tackle the hairy (socially crippling) side of things. I had gestational diabetes with this pregnancy so had to switch to a diabetic diet temporarily and I can easily take some of the dietary changes from that in the meantime. Thanks for replying

Have you got a HomeStart service near you? They could maybe come out and watch the kids for you for a bit of time in the day. Or maybe contact your local Carers group and ask for both you and your child to be assessed as they may be able to offer some respite.

Seeing the GP should definitely be on your list, taking AD’s in the short term may allow you to put other things such as diet and exercise in place.

I know you say it wouldn't be financially worth you going back to work but is there some work available where you could break even financially?

Maybe even some part time work in a local shop or something. Or even better, a bit of part time consultancy or such like in your main profession. What is your profession?

So what if all your wages go on childcare? You are really buying better mental health. Also, building up relationships with a childminder/babysitter or other childcare arrangement, thus setting you up for more freedom later.

I did break even work at one point just for my mental health. Middle child has SN. Third child was a baby. We had moved to a completely new area. People thought I was crazy to add in the "stress" of work on top. They didn't get it. That job was an absolute bloody life-saver for me.

I found a childminder who was good with SN children, having had one of her own. She was able to fit us in at short notice because I didn't need 5 days a week, I could modify my hours to match the space she had (to an extent). Asking randomers down the park or at school about local childminders / nurseries was a great conversation starter and source of information.

I highly recommend it.

DC are still close to that childminder. She put me in contact with others when our needs changed.

@TwoBlueFish I'm going to have a look into homestart thank you

@CottonTailRabbit exactly! Work isn't stress to me, it's my mental break but also my identity... well the one that I'm the most comfortable with anyway. Haven't been able to find any work yet where we would at least break even but I'm always on the lookout in the hope that a little gem comes up.

I'm in HR now following a career change and just got qualified before finding I was pregnant. I'm willing to do anything currently though so for once it isn't stubbornness stopping me ;)

Thanks for your replies

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you

I'd like to echo the earlier posters - for me, rage was a symptom of depression. When I started getting treatment (ADs) the rage was one of the first symptoms that cleared up.

@arwenearlythereyet I'm coming round to the idea more since hearing ppl's experiences. Some more research is needed though as I won't even take over the counter stuff unless I absolutely have to. I do get the importance of them though and how they allow ppl the headspace to function, similar to my son/husband and their ADHD meds. Thanks for your reply

I feel like this sometimes OP, you are not alone. I also have friends who discuss their rage and wonder what they can do about it. This might sound insultingly flippant after everyone else's advice, but I have been told magnesium supplements are really good for regulating your mood. Not tried myself but I think I will.

Have you looked at specialist part time agencies like ten 2 two www.ten2two.org

I have been told that HR work is one of those areas where you could pick up a few hours week for a few local small businesses freelance. Find your local small business network group. There will be one.

@33going I'm sure that feelings like this are on the increase whether its because we all try to do too much or are unhappy with how things are going in our lives... I'm so grateful for my children which is what stopped me previously sharing these feelings with anyone, but it was making me ill bottling it all up. I also didn't want to share with my DH as he has foot in mouth disease and the last thing I want is to fall out with him for saying the 'wrong' thing. I'll defo look into supplements thank you

@Cotton I'll check that out thanks for your help

OP I'm wondering if EFT (try videos on youtube) might be of benefit and there's an interesting book called 'from stress to stillness' by gina lake which can be read in small bites.