If you have a tidy person and an untidy one – is it always the tidy one that wins?

[Whatdoesitmatteranyway]

Not a TAAT but inspired by one.

I am naturally untidy. Some would say I’m a slob. Left to my own devices I would clean and tidy eventually but my trigger point for it is quite low. I’d clean long before environmental health was called but would probably take me tripping over things or running out of dishes. However I quite like a tidy house, just not enough to prioritise it over knitting.

DH is obsessively tidy. My mother accuses him of having a mental illness (she;s not far wrong but I wouldn’t insult anyone with OCD by saying he has it as he doesn’t). Last time we stayed at her, she had to hide the Dettol from him!

Our house looks like a show home. Thanks mainly (entirely?) to DH.

The problem is, he will tidy/clean something long before it even occurs to me there might be a problem. That means he constantly feels as though he’s tidying up after me. Which occasionally boils over into resentment and threats of going on strike or rants about me taking the piss and expecting him to go around picking up after me. He just can’t ignore something not in its place.

What he cannot seem to get is I’m not deliberately thinking he can pick things up for me, or clean up after me, or think “oh wqell DH can do that I can’t be bothered”

So he “wins” every time.

Just wondering if the tidy person always wins or ends up resentful.

Does he resent you for doing it all?

yes, I think he does deep down.

This is the other way with me and my Partner. I am the obsessively clean one. He isn't terrible but to me plates should never be left on the side for example - dishwasher or wash up. And beds should always be made before going out in the morning. To some degree it is me that has the issue so I don't begrudge doing it. But on the other hand he knows that is what I want done so he should make some effort to get on with it.

It's not always about 'winning'.

I, to be honest, am perfectly content to clear up the things that bug me but don't bug my fiance. I.e. straighten cushions, throws, put away all my books or controllers. It just isn't important for him to have the throws all artfully draped and to straighten his shoes. I'd rather he used the energy for things that genuinely do bother me and is genuinely caring - and he does, I might add.

Other times - I have learned to lower my standards when my standards cause a problem. When we've both had a shitty time, we don't need to fold the sodding laundry or straighten the cushions. Sometimes relaxation IS more important to me than faffing with those things.

just not enough to prioritise it over knitting
Sorry that made me LOL. Can't think of anything more boring. But that's just me!

It depends what he means by 'tidying up after you'
Do you leave clothes, shoes and dishes all over the place?
What do you do with your coat when you come in.
I like a tidy house and I'm quite tidy.
Not overly so and I bloody hate cleaning. So I pay a cleaner once a week to do that so I don't need to worry about it.
But shoes go in my wardrobe when taken off.
Clothes go in the wash basket.
Coat gets hung up etc......
Dishes get loaded straight into the dishwasher.

But please don't expect him to do everything.
It's really unfair and it would drive me insane.

Sounds like you and your DH are the reverse of THIS ARTICLE
read and inwardly digest and really think about how disrespectful it is to just expect stuff to happen.
Have some consideration for how your DH likes to live.
Mutual respect is what it's all about.

Ima bit like you but my husband has even higher tolerance for mess, so you can imagine!
If I don’t do it he probably would clean about once a fortnight.
I agree it’s important for couples to realise that everyone has a different level when they think “Omg! I can’t stand this mess anymore!!” Whether that’s overflowing bins and not a single plate clean or one dirty mug on the coffee table. The tidier person probably does suffer the most cos they feel the other one isn’t pulling their weight.
After 20 years I have accepted that’s how he is and don’t resent him (just the occasional eye roll or snap about his mess)!

No, I don't leave clothes and shoes all over the place. Typical things that annoy him:

1. I don't spray the shower and go over it with a squeegee every time I shower. To me, you clean the bathroom at bathroom cleaning times.

1. I don't see the need to wipe suds off a draining board - isnts that what draining boards are for?

1. I'll put a dirty towel in the wash but forget to get a clean one out

1. Left to my own devices, I clean up at the end of cooking (which I do all of) not as I go along e.g. there might be crumbs on the counter after I slice rolls for bacon rolls but it wouldnt occur to me to wipe it down until after breakfast. He would do it whilst waiting for the rolls to toast. In fact, he often washes dishes before he sits down for dinner as its easier.

1. If something doesn't look dirty, wouldn't occur to me to clean it e.g. windows, window ledges

1. I don't always close cupboard doors or ward robe doors after me which drives him nuts as it looks untidy.

1. Last time my BF stayed, he went nuts to me later as she didn't wipe the sink out of toothpaste after brushing her teeth - but then if I didn't brush my teeth in the shower I might do the same.

1. If I know I'm going to be using something again relatively soon, I don't put it away. e.g end of the evening I put my knitting on the side as I know I'm going to be picking it up tomorrow - he would prefer it if I put it away in my knitting cupboard.

OR

I come home Thursday night, I know I'm going to need the suitcase again sunday when I pack for the week so I just put it in the spare room rather than away in a cupboard.

Its not anything major just lots of minor things.

Our relationship is much the same. It's only once he starts tidying that I really 'see' the mess. I do feel a bit bad about it but he knew the score when he married me. I do all the cooking and laundry though.

And the never ending - "you treat this place like a hotel".

I must admit, I have spent 20 odd years living in hotels mon-fri with my job and being used to house keeping making beds, and cleaning bath rooms.

Oysterbabe - that is us.... and my reaction to it.

He just can't get that I just don't see the mess until he points it out. I get "stand back and take a look before you finish to see if its right"

But that still doesnt work.

I do all the cooking (and all the cleaning up after it) as I get "why should I clean up the mess you make cooking"

He probably does all the laundry as I'm away mon-thur/fri.

Genuinely the things you have listed are the things I also expect to be done as standard. My partner has generally conformed ha.

I am not obsessively tidy, but I do like the house to be relatively clean and tidy. My DH does not seem to see things that need to be tidied away, we have a teabag holder by the kettle for example and he would happily pile it high before ever moving them to the bin. He also throws things in the sink rather than put them in the bin, I do not know how he thinks they get from sink to bin.

I honestly have thought about divorce if he does not start to do some very basic tidying or cleaning because it absolutely depresses me, I am constantly trying to keep on top of things with zero help. I think you should be ashamed of yourself leaving everything to somebody else and sit around expecting cleaning to happen by magic.

Yikes, that does sound pretty extreme from your DH.

The stuff you say you do is totally standard IMO.

It’s the stepping over jackets that have been on the floor since the kids got home, a rancid baking tray covered in pork fat from three days ago that I resent - because then it really is a case of ‘open your eyes!’

I'd probably put the tea bags in the sink and wait for a big enough pile before moving them to the bin. That way tea dregs drain down the sink.

I have always been obsessively tidy, but my partner is the complete opposite. He's moved in, is so messy and hoards everything! It's got me so down I've given up even trying to keep on top of it and I'm just in a rut! I miss my home! It's got to the point I don't let anyone come round anymore!

I'm so puzzled by this idea tidy people have that their partners 'expect them' to clear up after them. My mother used to say this all the time, and I always thought, just let me shut the door to my room and live in filth. I am not expecting you to do anything! I wish you would just let me eat my breakfast without passive aggressively whipping dishcloths around.

I say this as someone whose DH is even untidier than I am. It annoys me how slovenly he is, but I don't think it's because he views me as his domestic slave. He just doesn't consider certain things priorities.

I'm super tidy, my husband isn't. Well he's fairly tidy but wouldn't clean as often as I would like. for example if i cleaned bathroom the whole thing gets clean. Dh would just clean inside toilet, wipe sink and bath or shower over, floor. Would ignore mirror, tiles, window, chrome stuff like toilet roll holder or towel rail etc

Our compromise was we got a cleaner! Its the best money spend each week

I think that what matters here is that tidiness is important to your partner, and for that reason it should be important to you too.

You’re effectively asking him to either tidy up after you, or to live in an environment that is uncomfortable to him.

I’m not saying you have to live up to his showhome standards, and actually some of the things you have listed seem extreme (like doing the dishes before eating). But there should be compromise. You should do more to share the load - it would be easy to put away your suitcase or knitting for example.

I think he is unreasonable to refuse to do the dishes when you cook - that doesn’t sound like a fair division of labour.

Ahhh OP I am also you. Sometimes I will stand in a room and think - right, lets tidy up, sometimes I wont.

DH goes through stages, sometimes he does nothing and sometimes he doesn't stop and then moans that I expect him to do everything. I don't - and if he didn't leave his underwear on the floor next to the basket every morning without fail - I'm sure he'd have a point.

He likes to clean rather than tidy - so like you mention, skirting boards, windows etc etc. Unless they looked it I wouldn't touch them but he will. But then he'll leave the cupboard doors open and his shoes everywhere.

The reason he won't clean up after I cook are:

1, He thinks I make more mess than is needed e.g. instead of staying on one worktop I might use all three if its easier

1. I don't clean up as well as he would as I go along

Therefore he things the mess after dinner is worse than it should be if I tried to work in one area and cleaned up more as I cooked.

Whoever doesn't cook should clean the kitchen up after a meal has been made for the family.

I think you all need a daily chore list divided between you and posted somewhere you'll both see.

That would really annoy me as well op. Sorry not very helpful.

Last time my BF stayed, he went nuts to me later as she didn't wipe the sink out of toothpaste after brushing her teeth No-one would accuse me of being houseproud, but that one would upset me - I don't want to use a basin covered in someone else's dribbled toothpaste.

I’m like your Dh.

Things like wiping up mess during cooking, wiping suds off the draining board and mopping up toothpaste from the sink are things I do and don’t understand why some people can just leave it. Ugh.

I cannot for the life of me understand how some people can’t SEE the bloody mess!

My Dh says he doesn’t see it sometimes but thankfully he’s not a slob and does tidy and clean. If he waited for a big pile of teabags to accumulate in the sink (?) before putting them in the bin, it would drive me crazy. I don’t get why you’d do that, sorry.