If you have a tidy person and an untidy one – is it always the tidy one that wins?

[Whatdoesitmatteranyway]

Not a TAAT but inspired by one.

I am naturally untidy. Some would say I’m a slob. Left to my own devices I would clean and tidy eventually but my trigger point for it is quite low. I’d clean long before environmental health was called but would probably take me tripping over things or running out of dishes. However I quite like a tidy house, just not enough to prioritise it over knitting.

DH is obsessively tidy. My mother accuses him of having a mental illness (she;s not far wrong but I wouldn’t insult anyone with OCD by saying he has it as he doesn’t). Last time we stayed at her, she had to hide the Dettol from him!

Our house looks like a show home. Thanks mainly (entirely?) to DH.

The problem is, he will tidy/clean something long before it even occurs to me there might be a problem. That means he constantly feels as though he’s tidying up after me. Which occasionally boils over into resentment and threats of going on strike or rants about me taking the piss and expecting him to go around picking up after me. He just can’t ignore something not in its place.

What he cannot seem to get is I’m not deliberately thinking he can pick things up for me, or clean up after me, or think “oh wqell DH can do that I can’t be bothered”

So he “wins” every time.

Just wondering if the tidy person always wins or ends up resentful.

I was always the tidy person in all my relationships. I do not see it as a "win", if I constantly clean and tidy up and the other person just messes everything up and doesn't even appreciate what I do. I want a partner, not a toddler. To me, it says "I do not value your work and I do not value your preferences". It made me resent them and see them as less intelligent. Surely, any thinking person would put the house keys in their assigned place rather than frantically look for them every single time they needed them?

Housework is a big deal. It doesn't end with children moving out and it doesn't end with retirement. I don't like doing it but having a tidy house (and being organised in general) helps me manage my anxiety and makes me more efficient (so I have more time for knitting). I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life having an ongoing argument about open cabinets. (It's downright dangerous to leave an open cabinet or drawer - have you never hurt yourself?) Life's too short for that.

Do you actually know how long it takes a teabag to start to fester. Because it’s quite a long time.

1 second outside a bin is festering. 😉 I don't want to fixate on the teabag, but it's such an easy win - dump tea bag straight in the bin. What does it matter that it's hot?

I'd've thought the tidying up-averse would appreciate one less thing to do.

And teabag dumpers (being representative of untidy people in general) never do come and transport them to the bin. It's always left to the tidier-upper, because it would be 'petty' or 'nagging' if they did.

Again. Having to clean up after messy people isn't the winning end of the bargain.

I'm not a neat freak, but I do like to keep on top of the place as much as I can, so that it's never an overwhelming job. I'm thankful DH and I are compatible, as it must be awful to live with someone who annoys you.

I'm not tidy, at all. But XH would koan about mess, it would all be my stuff - so I started clearing 'my stuff' away just to see how tidy he actually was, and he'd left loads of crap around too, but blamed me for it all. His parents house is a sterile show house, but I prefer a homely family feel so quite different (but he was used to his his mum constantly clearing up after him rather than actually doing it himself)

Fester
(of food or rubbish) become rotten and offensive to the senses.

If you’re telling me a teabag in the sink for half an hour makes you feel like this then I think you need pshychiatric help.

It matters that it’s hot, because I don’t want to go “ouch” just so that a teabag can go in the bin more quickly than some neat nutter wants it to.

OMg there is a special place in hell reserved for people who don’t close cupboard doors behind them.

I cook, clean and do the laundry. As well as other 60s housewife chores (Don’t mind, just so you catch my drift). There’s days I don’t want to clean the kitchen for the third time, or Hoover, or pick up dirty boxers and socks and beard hair. So sometimes they are left. Sometimes I won’t do it for 2 days because I’m not feeling great. Bare in mind my partner does not have to move, which is fine by me - just for context.

But in these times he will start tidying, but prior to engaging in tidying he will say “aw it’s a bloody mess I’m gonna do some tidying” I then feel AWFUL because he’s been at home all day making a MESS and I mean coffee all over the counter tops, milk left out, food on plates left all over, and I’m not the one tidying up. It’s crazy isn’t it, so I’ll take over. I don’t mind, but it would be very easy if he was tidier.

When at mums I was messy. I still am messy but I can not have a messy home.

Not relevant I just wanted to insert my 2p since I’m bored waiting the arrival of my very messy handsome man.

Squeeze teabag against cup with teaspoon. Transport teabag to bin - on spoon! No touching.

I am just thankful that I'm not greeted with (pre-)festering teabags in the sink each time I walk into the kitchen.

Bemused that putting something directly into a rubbish bin somehow makes me a 'neat freak'. 😛 Really, I'm the lazy one, as my method involves less leg-work.

Some of the things you listed I thought people naturally did.

Close cupboards
Wipe away spit in sink
Put teabags in the bin after use
Ect

I'm not a tidy person but you'd annoy me with these things.

My point it. Neither is bad. It’s horses for courses!

That’s all I was pointing out.
It’s not something I could get upset about one way or another

He sounds like a cleaning Nazi. Not seeing mess isn’t some annoying habit that can be broken, it’s a case of genuinely looking at something and thinking it’s clean and tidy, whereas someone else will see one crumb or washing up drying on the draining board and think it’s a slum. My flatmate and I are both like you OP (but actually worse). When we do clean, we don’t go round every picture frame or skirting board or wipe the toilet roll holder. We do the main surfaces and floors and wash up and let the crockery dry on the draining board. We think it looks spotless when we’ve finished, I’m sure others would disagree. But it’s not a case of choosing not to see mess, it is cleaning to a level and feeling that is more than adequate so there is genuinely no need to do more. How can you be tidier if you don’t think there’s anything else to be tidied?

I agree that a messy person doesn't expect the tidy person to clean after them - however the clean person has to do so else they have to live surrounded by the debris of the messy person which is upsetting - therefore messy person wins either way - either it is left and they don't care or the tidy person cleans up after them and they get to live in an aesthetically pleasing home (which does not make them upset like a messy house dose a tidy person) without lifting a finger whilst feeling superior to their neorotic partner as they are sooooo laid back etc etx

And teabags left piled will eventually stain the surface they are piled on.

One debate with dh ended with his remark about not living in a showhome - and we have since purchased a showhome and are indeed living in it. He actually wants to keep this nice and is more proactive than before and we have a cleaner so I feel much happier. And the irony of it is funny 😊

You can definitely train yourself to see mess.

My mum was a bit of a slob and I grew up in a pretty untidy grotty house. I remember my friend visited me and drew a line in the dust on my shelf and was appalled. I did not even notice it before.

Now I do. I have our own house and see much more. My cleaner probably sees even more. I am now quite close to OP's dh standards. My own dh is less so but even he will not abide cupboard doors being left open.

OP, you can do it. It is tiring to see so much mess around me after a long day in the office and live in a home that is a pig sty cleaning up after your own family all the time.

I agree with maddening that from the tidy person's perspective, they are not winning. The tidy one is in a lose-lose situation having to live with an untidy person, if untidy does not adapt.

Ps am not a neat freak but on the scale I am the tidier person and dh the messier.

It sounds like he's at one extreme and you're at the other. I like a tidy home too and it does effect my mood to see it untidy/unclean. It can really bring me down. All the little things you let slide add up. Considering most of the things you listed can literally take seconds to do, I can't see why you wouldn't. It's about getting into the habit.

Fortunately, DP and I are the same in terms of mess. He moans to
others that he doesn't like the house to be untidy, but has just as much stuff lying around as I do. I grew up with a mother who was like PP's OH - I couldn't leave a book on the sofa to make myself a cuppa without her putting it away on the bookcase, despite knowing I'd be back in a couple of minutes to pick it up again. And she'd moan about the state of my bedroom whilst never allowing it to get particularly bad. As a consequence, I do like a house to look lived in and, although ours does get too bad from time to time, it really doesn't bother me.

I cook so DP cleans (quite happily - he says he couldn't be bothered to cook like I do, and appreciates that I do, so is quite happy to clean it up). He's been known to thoroughly clean it on a Sunday and then announce that I can go and bake something as it's clean, knowing full well that he'll come back to a bombsite. But he reckons the cake is worth it!

The only time we fell out at all over it was a few years ago, when he was depressed. He had a friend coming to stay and kept telling me how much housework we had to do beforehand, but then kept going off with another friend drinking whenever he had a free moment. In the end I did what I could but it wasn't perfect. I then refused to clean again until he did it. I got to about 12 weeks before giving in, as friends of mine were coming round and I was really embarrassed about the state of the place. DP hadn't even noticed my strike!

That’s interesting a PP said they grew up with a messy Mum and now can’t abide mess. My mum LOVES cleaning and I grew up in a very clean and regularly hoovered and scrubbed house (although it was a relaxed environment where you wouldn’t get chased after with a duster) and my dad is obsessive about putting things away and lining everything up in its right place. I am a slob with a floordrobe. I have no siblings so can’t have got this from them, I really do wonder why I didn’t follow in my parents clean and tidy footsteps!

I don't think your habits sound too bad--but you really need to start closing cupboard doors and things like that. It's an irritating habit when people don't do this. And it can result in people banging into things or stubbing toes.

In my experience the messiness usually prevails!

I agree, chocolatebox. They just dump stuff and it starts again. Tidy folk must be vigilant.

I have no issue with books left on sofas momentarily or similar, I like homes to look inhabited. Just not neglected!

Ime the tidy one gets stressed at the perceived mess
And the stressing about the untidiness winds the non tidy one up

I don't get stressed at the mess, I just find it annoying and inconvenient. It shows me that my housemate is thoughtless, lazy, slobby and half-arsed at worst or has lower standards at best. It depends how kind I'm feeling.

The that annoys me most is her wooden, turn the blocks each day calendar. It's a twee little dust gatherer that she touches once in every three weeks if I'm lucky. I change it because it looks so lazy otherwise. The greedy little cow will be bang on every with her advent calendar though!

DSHathaway maybe just stop living with someone you hate?! In fact, that seems to be the answer to a lot of this thread...

Love your post Onceuponathread. My DP is tidy but I am not. He suffers from depression which I think contributes to the need to have things always in the same place and in straight lines etc. He sits mainly in our lounge which I let him have the way he wants ( though I don't like it ) and myself and DS tend to chill in the other room which is more relaxed .
DP is very tidy but not particularly hygienic. The beds would never get changed if left to him. I try to be tidy to help his state of mind but sometimes feel my laid back personality is being stifled.