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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Would this make me a bad mother?

62 replies

babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:35

So I'm 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow and it's looking more and more likely that this baby is going to be strong enough to go the full term (I previously had a miscarriage).

My now ex partner and father to this baby has lied, cheated, tried to steal from me, controlled me and physically beat me (on 2 occasions).
I've known him for ten years and part of me says that I should give him the chance to see this baby when it's born, whilst my family feel it's best to put court orders, etc in place to stop him getting the chance.

I'm really tempted to send him the 12 week scan picture in a Christmas card just to let him know he/she is okay but I don't know whether I'd be rubbing salt into the wounds.

For those of you who have or may have been in this situation what would you do? Would you give him the chance and try to keep him in the loop or would you do everything in your power to deprive him the chance of being a father for the 1st time?

I've attached 2 pictures - what he did to me and my little bean at 8 weeks :(

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 31/10/2018 13:38

Do you think he would be a kind, loving, patient father?

chestylarue52 · 31/10/2018 13:38

Please don’t let him have anything to do with this child.

You’re not depriving him of anything.

He did that to himself when he beat you.

You’re protecting your child.

MrsJayy · 31/10/2018 13:38

I think you should report your post you have identified to the internet in a vulnerable state , no I wouldn't be contacting a man who smashed my face in he deserves none of your time or thought

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 31/10/2018 13:39

I think a person who commits an act of such extreme violence would be an entirely shite parent so no, he doesn't deserve to see or hear anything. No scan photo, no information, no contact.

I appreciate that's a harsh stance to take but you need to stop being so soft towards someone who treated you this way. I would do everything in my power to remove someone like that from my own and my child's life.

MrsJayy · 31/10/2018 13:39

Yourself*

Singlenotsingle · 31/10/2018 13:39

No way on god's earth would I ever let him anywhere near me or the baby EVER AGAIN! I don't understand why you're even asking! I would do everything in my power to deprive him of the chance of being a FATHER ever! ShockShockShock

mygrandchildrenrock · 31/10/2018 13:40

Kind, loving, patient fathers do not beat the mother of their children.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 31/10/2018 13:40

Also, your scan photo clearly shows your full name, please report it so that MNHQ can edit those out if possible or remove the pic.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 31/10/2018 13:40

OP I don’t think you should have put these pictures up, I’ve reported your post.

BertramKibbler · 31/10/2018 13:40

I think you should have nothing to do with him and neither should your child.

I also think you need to get your photo deleted

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/10/2018 13:40

You poor thing, I am so sorry that has happened to you. What a horrible excuse for a human being he is.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and no, I wouldn't send him the scan pic. I don't think he deserves to see it or know anything else about your pregnancy. That is your little bean for you to love and protect. I'm sure you will be a very good mum whatever you decide though x

BloodStainedLeavesBlowBy · 31/10/2018 13:41

I take it SS would see him as a threat to the the baby and it's your job to protect the child. If you fail to do that you risk losing your child.

There is also now a proven link between violent fathers and childhood abuse - I'd have my child and do everything in my power to stop him having any contact with the child.

Good Luck

Ploppymoodypants · 31/10/2018 13:42

Wow, is this your first baby?
If so, let me say that when he/she is born, you will be so over whelmed with protective love, that the thought of letting someone who beat you physically anywhere near your baby will be enough to make you feel psychically sick.
This is not a nice person, and yes you should be doing absolutely everything you can you prevent access to your baby.
Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to speak to women’s aid and attend the freedom program to help you understand the effect of his abuse on you.
By the way, this isn’t a criticism, your reaction is pretty normal. Society drums into us that babies need father or both parents. In an ideal world yes. But no dad is better that a dad that beats up mum. Or worse, the child 🙁

MrsStrowman · 31/10/2018 13:43

Please keep yourself and your child away from him, the draw to go back will be strong but you know you don't want to risk your own or your baby's safety. I'd never usually advocate this but you don't even have to tell him, he lost that right when he beat you

carlyb87 · 31/10/2018 13:43

He has shown you what he is about!
Now it's about you and your bubba! Any attention you give him you are taking away from you and your lil ones peace of mind and wellbeing! Know your strong enough to do it by yourself if you have to!! strong enough to love yourself enough to know you and baby are better without a man that has shown he is potentially threatens your child's happiness!

Ploppymoodypants · 31/10/2018 13:45

To add, it’s not about depriving a man of being a father. That should never be a motive.
It’s about protecting your small incident baby/child from someone who is at best unlikely to put the child’s interests before their own and at wirst cause actual physical harm.
It’s a safeguarding issue. Not a punishment for how he has treated you.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 31/10/2018 13:47

Use your pregnancy to heal and become stronger. Contact Woman's Aid, do the freedom programme. Do not contact this monster again.

I speak as someone who (I've just found out) has a very distant relative who did this to his pg girlfriend. I have cut off all contact with him, will never be in his company again and would 100% support his gf in any action she wants to take against him. He's scum.

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:48

@MeanTangerine @chestylarue52 @MrsJayy @Idontbelieveinthemoon @Singlenotsingle @mygrandchildrenrock

Thank you for all your advice ladies - I really do appreciate it.
I'm sorry the image was a bit of a shock but it's difficult to sometimes get honest opinions from people without the proof - I don't personally think he's mentally stable enough and I wouldn't want to expose the child to that but I think deep down I thought I'd feel like a terrible person for not giving him the chance.

For those who are worried about my vulnerability - this happened back at the end of June this year, he isn't living with me and hasn't contacted me for about 3 weeks now but is aware I'm pregnant. The police haven't been supportive because I got him arrested and he should have been charged with ABH but because he apparently showed remorse for his actions, he was released with a caution - since then I've had him and other people keeping tabs on my flat which has been irritating but, again, the police have turned a blind eye to the matter.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/10/2018 13:48

Please ask admin to remove your name/upper part of your pic..

No and no...,!

He should have made things easier but not beating you up.... Don't let him think you're OK with this.

Your family is right... Let the courts sort it out...

You should not let this violent thug anywhere near, or encourage him...

Even if he succeeds at getting some access... Social services would have to supervise... He is NOT the sort of person who should have access to a tiny baby..

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 31/10/2018 13:52

Hi there,
Sorry to intrude, but we have removed your photos because they were identifying. We hope that you receive the support you need, and congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

Moominfan · 31/10/2018 13:55

Congrats op, are there other people you can share your wonderful news with? How's pregnancy so far? Easy for me to say what I would do, I think a lot of women in this situation get the same response, just leave ect. Hope your getting all the help you need to keep you and your baby safe

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:55

Thanks to everyone who got the photos removed - I completely forgot my name was at the top of the scan! I'm so sorry

And thank you all for your support - it's been a really traumatic experience for me especially because I knew him since we were kids.

I was very honest with my midwife and explained everything in detail as to why he isn't 'in the picture' - she explained that SS would get involved if I took him back but she wasn't so sure if he just wanted visitation.

I honestly have no feelings of wanting him back romantically or as a friend - part of me is completely enraged for what he did as he still persists to say I destroyed his life by getting him arrested - absolute narcissist behaviour but like what was said in someone's comment - sometimes you doubt whether you're being unfair not giving him that right to be a parent. Perhaps it's my submissive thoughts coming through from when he was so controlling towards me?

OP posts:
waterrat · 31/10/2018 13:57

OP it is natural you want to believe your ex will care and be a good father. It is very hard to do this alone.

Do you have a counsellor? If you can afford it (you might find low cost counselling in your area online) - it could be very helpful for you to have a safe space to talk throughout your pregnancy - also you could look at your relationship and discuss any ongoing feelings you have about it.

good luck

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:59

@Moominfan the pregnancy has been going really well, although I found it weird that I didn't have any morning sickness. I have my family but they unfortunately live about 100 miles away from me so it's not so easy to feel 'fully supported' if that makes sense?

My home and work is all over where I live and I don't have any intentions on moving back to my hometown - I guess I just feel a little lost in my thoughts and as a soon to be 1st time mum I dunno whether I'm being silly and overdramatic or actually making sensible decisions.

OP posts:
waterrat · 31/10/2018 13:59

OP you don't have to 'give' him the right to be a parent - he has to work for that and earn it.

As he was violent to you- I presume you could ask him to go to court to request contact in a contact centre. I don't know how that works but perhaps a charity like Gingerbread (for single parents) could help you with advice.

If he behaved beautifully at contact he then would have the right to apply for further contact.

You don't need to feel responsible for 'giving ' him rights and visits.