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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this make me a bad mother?

62 replies

babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:35

So I'm 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow and it's looking more and more likely that this baby is going to be strong enough to go the full term (I previously had a miscarriage).

My now ex partner and father to this baby has lied, cheated, tried to steal from me, controlled me and physically beat me (on 2 occasions).
I've known him for ten years and part of me says that I should give him the chance to see this baby when it's born, whilst my family feel it's best to put court orders, etc in place to stop him getting the chance.

I'm really tempted to send him the 12 week scan picture in a Christmas card just to let him know he/she is okay but I don't know whether I'd be rubbing salt into the wounds.

For those of you who have or may have been in this situation what would you do? Would you give him the chance and try to keep him in the loop or would you do everything in your power to deprive him the chance of being a father for the 1st time?

I've attached 2 pictures - what he did to me and my little bean at 8 weeks :(

OP posts:

PhaedrasChocolate · 31/10/2018 14:58

In light of your most recent posts, I would actually move.

Rebecca36 · 31/10/2018 15:00

I agree with everything everyone else has said. Your situation is horrific, the man a violent thug.

I honestly don't know why you want to have a child with him, which will always be a tie of some kind even if you never see him again. You're not quite ten weeks pregnant yet, think about it. You could have a new start, completely free from this man.

MsLexic · 31/10/2018 15:02

I am sorry, but you are being ridiculous. Have you heard of No Contact?
Google it.
It's what you should be doing now- forever.
Bless you and the child, onward, be happy.

ferntwist · 31/10/2018 15:03

He has beaten you up twice. You need to keep him far away from both of you as it will only get worse.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/10/2018 15:20

Move and change your name and have absolutely no contact.

I would be worried about what he could get someone to do to you and your unborn baby.

Anyone who needs a line of cocaine to cope with being told he is going to be a father. Wouldn't be able to cope with a live baby.

He sounds like him and his mates are very immature. Wasting there time riding up and down your cul de sac.

What are they trying to prove? Why are his mates spending so much time on you.

If they saw you on your balcony or in the road what would they do.

Missbel · 31/10/2018 15:26

Having worked with Women's Aid I know that sadly, men who are abusive on one or two occasions carry on being abusive unless they receive support and treatment through an intervention programme. Making you feel guilty is just another typical part of the abuse. As everyone has said, don't have anything to do with him. Stalking you (that's what it is if he's hanging around where you live) is a crime and if the police won't act, I'd go to Women's Aid or ask to see a solicitor at Citizen's Advice. good luck!

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2018 15:30

As a matter of interest, how old are you both?

Lizzie48 · 31/10/2018 15:36

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I echo what other posters are saying, don't let him have anything to do with your DC. I'm speaking as someone whose F was abusive; I've been massively screwed up as a result. It's better to have no father than an abusive one.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Miscible · 31/10/2018 15:43

I'm really concerned that you continued sleeping with this man for some time after he beat you so severely, and that you are considering having any sort of contact with him now. You really need to keep your distance, both for your own sake and that of your child, and make sure that it is absolutely clear to you and to him that he is out of your life.

Original poster

babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 16:10

Hello All

Thank you so much for all your kind words, support and advice!

I definitely think that it would be worthwhile me contacting SS in order to put them in the picture as I feel that will be his way of possibly attacking me when he/she is born.

As for social media, I only have facebook in which nothing has been broadcast on regarding the pregnancy and I don't intend on putting anything up there.

As for the contact with the ex - I definitely would go through the court if he insisted he wanted visits and a contact centre isn't too far.

I know now that staying with him after the assault was a huge mistake but at the time I felt like I could help him get better - my head couldn't get over the fact he'd grown into such a horrid person so it took time. Obviously now, I have no intention of wanting him back, no intention of forgiving him and I have forced my mind into realistically thinking that he is no longer the person I loved and was friends with.

For one of you that asked our ages, I'm 26 years old and he is 23 years old - I was 15 and he was 13 when we became good friends.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 31/10/2018 16:39

You know you can't save him he isn't your friend or whatever he is a violent thug who refuses to control his drug taking and fists he hit you because he wanted too not because a red mist came down or you pushed him too it he decided it was ok to batter you.

Original poster

babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 16:44

@MrsJayy I know - I come to terms with that more and more each day. It's an awful feeling but I know it's true.

OP posts:

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