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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this make me a bad mother?

62 replies

babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 13:35

So I'm 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow and it's looking more and more likely that this baby is going to be strong enough to go the full term (I previously had a miscarriage).

My now ex partner and father to this baby has lied, cheated, tried to steal from me, controlled me and physically beat me (on 2 occasions).
I've known him for ten years and part of me says that I should give him the chance to see this baby when it's born, whilst my family feel it's best to put court orders, etc in place to stop him getting the chance.

I'm really tempted to send him the 12 week scan picture in a Christmas card just to let him know he/she is okay but I don't know whether I'd be rubbing salt into the wounds.

For those of you who have or may have been in this situation what would you do? Would you give him the chance and try to keep him in the loop or would you do everything in your power to deprive him the chance of being a father for the 1st time?

I've attached 2 pictures - what he did to me and my little bean at 8 weeks :(

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 31/10/2018 13:59

No one has the ‘right’ to be a parent. That’s not a human right. You’re confused about the language of rights. Being a parent is a responsibility, not a right.

Your baby has the right to live a life free of violence. That is a human right.

Nesssie · 31/10/2018 14:00

I can't believe you are even thinking of letting him be involved, without strict court instructions.
If you let him back in your life, SS will get involved and I don't blame them.

PassMeTheHaribosAmego · 31/10/2018 14:06

I'd stay well away from him
look what he did to you , why would you want him in your life ?

PipeTheFuckDown · 31/10/2018 14:11

Contact Womens Aid, do their Freedom Programme

Do not contact your ex

Do not put him on the birth certificate

Give the baby your surname and whatever name you want

Do not allow him to visit your baby supervised or unsupervised and especially do not supervise these visits yourself. You do not have to allow any of the above.

He is a violent man. He abused you. Beat you whilst you were pregnant. What part of that makes you think he would be a good Dad?

IF he takes you to court, give them all the evidence and let them deal with this arsehole.

Orangecake123 · 31/10/2018 14:14

You will be a good mother if you continue to keep your child away from this "man". He doesn't deserve any second chances.

suzy2b · 31/10/2018 14:15

My daughter's expartner head butted her she was taken to hospital police couldn't find him until the net day he had to go to anger management or something like that and a 2yr restraint order after 2 yrs he message me and said he was allowed to get in contact if it was about his daughter my daughter told him to sod off he would never have anything to do with her and he hasn't so haven't seen her since she was about 3weeks old,and i will add the police were fantastic to my daughter

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:16

@waterrat I've been getting counselling since the assault happened because I've been getting PTSD style feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:22

I just thought I'd mention - at the time he assaulted me I WASN'T pregnant, but we was only a month into the relationship - we'd been friends who had feelings for each other for 10 years; hence why my emotions were a bit torn.

As for contact, I wouldn't do it without support from SS or the courts anyway, but I just didn't know if I was being unfair or unjust - I really do appreciate everyone's comments, support and advice! Honestly, I think it all boils down to feeling so suppressed in my relationship with him that I'm feeling guilty when I really shouldn't be

OP posts:
Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 14:23

No, I would not invite a man back under any circumstances. SS will get involved and you could compromise your baby.

Allow him to fade into the background and don’t initiate any contact, nor reply to any future messages. No baby photos no matter how tempting.

Once your baby is born you don’t need to include him on the birth certificate.

Why don’t you want to move home? I would go back in a heartbeat if there is support and a network there. 100 miles of distance would be ideal and your family may be there for you.

So sorry you have suffered, with this new baby comes a new chapter in your life. 💐

Starlight345 · 31/10/2018 14:24

This world is really screwed up...

The fact you feel guilty for not allowing this man to be a dad just said we are made to feel guilty for actually protecting our children.

Do not contact him, do block him, don't let him know the due date, do not tell him baby is born, give baby your surname and do not put him on the birth certificate.

This is one of those circumstances I would not claim CMS in the hope he forgets about you and the baby

I was married to my abusive Ex. As pregnancy progressed he got more abusive and worse when DS arrived. We ended up in a refuge..

What i want to say I do understand is that desperately hoping they will change, the hindsight thing I did work out was I believed he would understand baby comes first and take care because that is the natural thing to do but that is natural for me.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 14:26

Also close down social media or ensure that he can’t track you via other people. Delete and start again with just closet friends and family.

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:27

@Ifoundanacorn - if anything I'd probably welcome SS's advice and support with it because I'd only ever give him the chance of visitation if it was through the courts, CAFCASS, SS, etc.

As for the birth cert and things, I can't put his name on unless he's there present apparently - I'm worried although he's gone silent at the moment, he might rear his head when the baby arrives and start fighting for access.

As for moving back to my family, my home and work are combined - I live where I work and I'm in the process of redecorating for when baby arrives so I want to be able to call that place my home - plus I've made some friends where I work who are supportive.

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 31/10/2018 14:27

If he's willing to beat a vulnerable pregnant woman, there's no reason to think he wouldn't do the same to a vulnerable child if he lost his temper.

Stay well clear and keep your child safe by keeping him out of your lives.

Mincepietimesoon · 31/10/2018 14:30

Have you told your HV? I'd ask for a referral to SS so that you are geared up to deal with him if he does start asking for access. My main concern would be doing the right thing to make sure access was supervised if there was any. Agree you don't want him on the birth certificate.

MrsJayy · 31/10/2018 14:30

So he smashed your face in a month into the relationship and you had known him a decade was there a notion he was violent?

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:31

@Starlight345 thank you so much for your advice - it's really helpful and it's nice to know we're not alone. That's the one thing he tried to make sure I felt when we was together - he'd go out with mates and get drunk then I'd face his wrath when he returned.

It's really not been easy and yes I do like to hope that he'd change and things would improve - I thought that when we had the chance to be together because we always loved each other since we were little kids but never had the chance to be together - he had the opportunity to settle down, have a family with me and have that security but he chose to hurt me, cause issues and stamp all over me.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 31/10/2018 14:33

Sorry my post looks like im accusing you of something all i meant was you had known him years then a month in he does that as I said you owe him nothing

Greensleeves · 31/10/2018 14:37

I don't think the term "bad mother" should be in your mind at all over this, you don't deserve to think of yourself that way. You're considering your options from the point of view of your child's welfare, which makes you as good a mother as anyone else at this point.

I agree with pp that any contact at all with this vicious cowardly thug would be a very bad choice though. I think you need a totally clean break from anything to do with him, and your family/the law can help you achieve that. I'd commit to it fully now so that by the time the baby is born you have your protections in place and your mind clear that you're not having him in your lives.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 31/10/2018 14:37

What do you mean he and others have been keeping tabs on your flat?
Please move if you can as he sounds dangerous.

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:39

@Mincepietimesoon - I told my midwife and completely filled her in on what was going on and how he treated me - she said that if I took him back, in respect of living with me and in a relationship that SS would get involved but she was unsure about if he just wanted visits. I'm more than happy to have SS involved just to get advice and tbh it's been nice just to get advice from everyone on here - I thought I would be being spiteful when really it would be the sensible decision.

@MrsJayy - we lost contact for 4 years and in that time he did/supplied drugs, became violent and developed mental health problems from drug abuse - when he came to me he was clean, declared safe by the mental health team and appeared more stable and it was like nothing bad ever happened - we were just like mates again and the love was still going strong so we went with how we felt. I never thought for one minute he'd hurt me or start regressing into his old ways but it didn't take long.

The assault itself stemmed from me waking him up early to go to church after he'd been drinking the night previous - he became nasty and I asked him to leave, he continued being nasty so I pulled the covers off him and he shot up and started punching me whilst I was still laying in the bed.

A month after that I fell pregnant but we lost it shortly after - he seemed excited to be a dad but that didn't stop him snorting coke off my coffee table to 'cope with the news' which I hated and then after I got him arrested and removed from my property I found out I was pregnant a 2nd time.

OP posts:
Mincepietimesoon · 31/10/2018 14:42

yes my friend has been in a similar situation and she phoned SS to ask for pre-emptive advice and it looked very good for her. Protest yourself - you expect he'll attempt something around the birth so plan with SS how to handle that and any contact requests. They are there to help you.

kateandme · 31/10/2018 14:43

Do you have any time owing or perhaps when you're on maternity leave you could go and stay with your family just have some time out just have some reassurance everything's going to be ok and get some distance between you for a little bit .get people to really comfort and support and look after you.
It's good you've made friends that should help you feel more settled and safe and also when you have the baby try and get out to groups etc so that you don't feel alone or at risk of being vulnerable and seeking his help or thinking you might need him. Do your friends know what went on I'm just thinking to the office you got people that know and can be there and bolster your strengths and determination to keep him away?
I'm so sorry he hurt you in this way. He doesn't deserve you know does he deserve an innocent child love her father that could do that to someone.

Original poster
babygirl92 · 31/10/2018 14:45

@ILiveInSalemsLot well he's an Irish Gypsy and back in his hometown when he got into trouble he had 'people' patrolling his mother's home to make sure she was safe. For me I've seen motorbikes with him on them going past my road and watching my balcony, I've had boy racer cars with tinted back window doing the same - shining their full beams on my flat and flashlights shining through my living room window. I even had the police on my doorstep weeks after he was arrested to 'check I was coping okay' which they said they wouldn't do unless someone raised concerns over my welfare - they was just happy to signpost me to places like women's aid. Yet I had texts from him saying if he didn't message me back he'd get the police to do welfare checks.

It's been all so surreal and I thought I was being paranoid but I've had my mum stay round for the past 2 weeks and she's seen all the activity happening - my road is a small cul-de-sac area so it's not like they're just passing through - but the police won't do anything and it happens very late at night when it's difficult to get the plate numbers

OP posts:
ferntwist · 31/10/2018 14:48

You mustn’t let him anywhere near your baby. This isn’t about whether you’re fair to him or not. You’re going to be a mum and the only person you need to put first is your baby. Please do not give him any access to your baby or your life.

Alfie190 · 31/10/2018 14:52

No I would not be sending him pictures of the scan, I would be keeping a low profile.