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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exh hasn't paid maintenance in 3 years. Sudden windfall came his way, money promised now ignoring me

62 replies

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 11:38

As the title says. Exh hasn't paid any sort of child support for our 2 dc for nearly 3 years. 'Officially' citing depression and anxiety as reason for giving up work.

I would like to point out that I'm a mh professional and in no way dispute the severity of mh issues.

It is common knowledge however, among his family, I'm still close with because of dc, and remaining mutual friends that this is false and it is a method to retain maximum money for his current wife and their 3 dc. His staying at home allows her to work full time with zero childcare costs

Obviously (and rightly) I'm not entitled to nor do I expect any maintenance to come from her wages.

My dh and I manage, I work pt and am at the end of my degree so hopefully my income will increase soon, he works ft.

We do manage but struggle to keep our heads above water at times, at the moment it's especially difficult as the car spectacularly failed it's mot and we just don't have the money to fix it.

Back to my original point. Exh and I have a fractious relationship, he often chooses to ignore his responsibilities to our dc, so I have always facilitated the relationship, ie, the dc go see him/stay with him as often as they wish, he is wheats made aware when there is a parents evening, sports day etc.

Recently exh called and told me he was due an insurance payout from an accident and that he'd like to use some of it to make up for the maintenance payments he's missed. I thought great that would be really helpful. Except now it's been a month, they've booked a holiday, excluding my dc, and I was being unreasonable and entitled to be expecting anything!!

I did not start the convo with exh, I wouldn't have known about it had he not told me and offered!

I know I'm just ranting and this doesn't make a whole heap of sense it's just really frustrating.

OP posts:
MsHopey · 31/10/2018 11:43

I'm not sure why he called you and said he'd give you money.
This is a father who has given up all financial responsibility of his children in favour of his new wife and her kids.
This is a man who doesn't care about his kids and can't be trusted.
It's not fair, I personally think it's disgusting and have read similar threads. I do not understand why anyone would bring kids into the world and then think they haven't got a duty to pay for them.
I wouldn't listen to him. Sometimes it's like blood from a stone and as your kids get older, even without you having to say or do anything, they will realise their dad is a deadbeat.
It's crap but sometimes people do everything they can to dodge paying for their own kids.

Allthewaves · 31/10/2018 12:13

Has he actually got the money yet though. U can book holiday with a small deposit

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 12:17

I've no idea whether he has received it or not yet, I'm annoyed by the accusations of me being grabby and entitled to expect it - when it was offered.

To be honest I took the news with a (large) pinch of salt because I didn't believe it would materialise.

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 31/10/2018 12:19

Have you informed the CMA? Surely they can claim it from him? I only ask as my hubby pays maintenance. He has never missed a payment and pays £400 a month for his dd. He earns about £38000 a year. He left his ex a 6 bed house in a nice area and had a clean break when they split, meaning he wouldn't claim any of her pension (she earns individually the same as we do combined) and he didn't take his equity from the house. We have always found the tone of the CMA really threatening and dismissive of us (just through the tone of their general letters and any communication we've had). Knowing what they've been like with us, I'm sure they could help you by automatically deducting if he doesn't play ball. Xx

StompyDino · 31/10/2018 12:20

I’m always amazed at the lengths men go to in order to avoid paying maintenance. But I wouldn’t expect anything- after years of letting you down he probably won’t change. Any hopes you have will probably end up making it harder when he inevitably doesn’t bother.

How old are your children? Have they noticed they are second-best to his “new” family? If so, I’d perhaps point this out to him and see if that opens his eyes.

sollyfromsurrey · 31/10/2018 12:26

I thought the law took into account the new family finances (incomings and outgoings) as a whole not just the father's income when calculating maintenance. I can't see how he can get away with paying nothing for his children if he has a financially secure household. After all, his new wife's money is not her money. It's their money.

AngelsSins · 31/10/2018 13:27

This is so wrong, and if I had my way, he’d be in court for neglect. How dare he call you grabby for simply expecting him to provide for his own children. He’s the grabby one for expecting you to cover his share of child related costs each month.

Feefeetrixabelle · 31/10/2018 13:31

I would give it til Christmas see if a payment is forthcoming. Then I would approach cms and apply for maintenance, it’s his families choice for him to stay at home- that doesn’t make his financial obligations disappear

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 13:48

If only he had the common sense that's evident to the rest of the world.

I've been rumbled irl, and asked to remove the thread as it makes them look bad, apparently I'm not providing a full overview of their circumstances. I think exh wife must be on mn.

I won't be asking to have this removed as I really needed to vent this morning. Thank you all for the replies. I think I will contact cms, I'm unsure of how the new system works so will be looking into it.

OP posts:
Santaisgettingbusy · 31/10/2018 13:53

Penny I hope they read the thread, they are disgusting individuals who should not call themselves parents at all.

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2018 13:53

Good for you OP. Excuses for not paying maintenance for your kids when you are able to spend money on a holiday are shabby. Go through the system.

BonnesVacances · 31/10/2018 13:55

Will exh's wife give her version of events then? Would like to see their justification in not paying maintenance for 3 years!

whatsthestory123 · 31/10/2018 13:58

i dont think the CMS can do anything as its income earned

Fuzzywig · 31/10/2018 13:58

Rant away.... say everything on here that you need to say to your ex. Hope it gets back to him or send him a link to he thread.

If it was my ex I would expect nothing as a punishment for having the audacity to ask others their opinion.

Your ex is a gobshite I doubt that will ever change. I hope he does the decent thing and pays to support his child.

Jules856 · 31/10/2018 14:00

Well, if they are on here perhaps they'd like to expo why its OK for him to abdicate responsibility for his children? Giving up work shouldn't be an option when he has an obligation to look after his children. Shame on them.

AintNobodyHereButUsRavens · 31/10/2018 14:02

I can't imagine how any woman could stand by a man who refuses to pay for his own children.

DunkandEggAgain · 31/10/2018 14:08

How would she feel if her partner was to shirk his financial responsibilities towards the children she's had with him...?

Anyway, I can't stand men who never contribute to the lives they helped create. Selfish, greedy, immoral, man child PRICKS!!

Feefeetrixabelle · 31/10/2018 14:24

I’d be depressed and anxious if I was a shit father who didn’t pay child support. He managed to make them and more so he should support them.

funinthesun18 · 31/10/2018 14:31

After all, his new wife's money is not her money. It's their money.

She hasn’t got any responsibility for the op’s household, so yes it’s their money but the whole of what she earns should be completely disregarded and whatever is left should be what he earns. If for example, she’s a successful millionaire and he works at McDonald’s then that’s just the way it is. Only his wage counts.

I don’t think he should be quitting work to be a stay at home dad and not pay towards his children with the op, but it’s still not his wife’s responsibility to pay it for him. Nobody is holding a gun to his head telling him to quit work. This is all on him.

TwistedStitch · 31/10/2018 14:36

His new wife is getting the financial benefit of not paying for childcare. She's facilitating her partner in not supporting his kids. I bet he gets clothes, TV package, internet, treats, alcohol, a whole host of his own personal expenses from their 'family money'. Why shouldn't a contribution to his other kids be included? He's earning that money too by providing childcare, it's an awful loophole that allows him to avoid supporting his other kids whilst doing so. At least if he was claiming benefits then they could take a small amount, I don't see why they can't do that anyway from the source of his support.

funinthesun18 · 31/10/2018 14:43

It is an awful loophole I agree. And it’s HIM making that choice. She might be going along with it for her own gain but ultimately it’s him in the wrong because he is responsible for his children nobody else apart from the op, and he needs to go to work and provide for them.

PinkHeart5914 · 31/10/2018 14:43

The new wife must have low standards, to look at the way he treats his other dc and not be ashamed of him. Most people would be disgusted if the dh gave up work to avoid paying for his other dc.

Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have dc and his one of them, what a pathetic excuse for a dad he can’t even pay for food for them to eat or clothes for the poor little sods to wear

TwistedStitch · 31/10/2018 14:48

Absolutely he's in the wrong. In my world there would be a minimum payment that should always be enforced even if the NRP wasn't working. This would either be out of benefits they received or paid by the person choosing to facilitate them not working. Then whatever decisions they choose to make as a couple factor in that cost and everyone knows where they stand.

beanaseireann · 31/10/2018 14:59

If the new wife is on Mumsnet I want to ask her how can she possibly condone a man not paying something towards the children he brought into the world.
And to remember that if he did it to wife number 1, he has form, and may do it to wife number 2.

areyoubeingserviced · 31/10/2018 15:03

Don’t blame the new wife, blame the idiot who refuses to look after his own children. This sort of thing really angers me
However, I don’t know how any woman can stay with a man who does not provide for his own kids, totally baffles me

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