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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exh hasn't paid maintenance in 3 years. Sudden windfall came his way, money promised now ignoring me

62 replies

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 11:38

As the title says. Exh hasn't paid any sort of child support for our 2 dc for nearly 3 years. 'Officially' citing depression and anxiety as reason for giving up work.

I would like to point out that I'm a mh professional and in no way dispute the severity of mh issues.

It is common knowledge however, among his family, I'm still close with because of dc, and remaining mutual friends that this is false and it is a method to retain maximum money for his current wife and their 3 dc. His staying at home allows her to work full time with zero childcare costs

Obviously (and rightly) I'm not entitled to nor do I expect any maintenance to come from her wages.

My dh and I manage, I work pt and am at the end of my degree so hopefully my income will increase soon, he works ft.

We do manage but struggle to keep our heads above water at times, at the moment it's especially difficult as the car spectacularly failed it's mot and we just don't have the money to fix it.

Back to my original point. Exh and I have a fractious relationship, he often chooses to ignore his responsibilities to our dc, so I have always facilitated the relationship, ie, the dc go see him/stay with him as often as they wish, he is wheats made aware when there is a parents evening, sports day etc.

Recently exh called and told me he was due an insurance payout from an accident and that he'd like to use some of it to make up for the maintenance payments he's missed. I thought great that would be really helpful. Except now it's been a month, they've booked a holiday, excluding my dc, and I was being unreasonable and entitled to be expecting anything!!

I did not start the convo with exh, I wouldn't have known about it had he not told me and offered!

I know I'm just ranting and this doesn't make a whole heap of sense it's just really frustrating.

OP posts:
whatsthestory123 · 31/10/2018 15:08

the new wife must have low standards but then she and her kids are benefiiting from the lack of financial support you are getting,so i do think she is responsible to a degree

i wander if she recieves financial support for her kids

Stevienickssleeves · 31/10/2018 15:09

Hope exh new wife will not be too surprised and upset when he does the same to her and leaves her unsupported with his DC. If he did it once he'd have no qualms doing it again.

DunkandEggAgain · 31/10/2018 15:10

I hope the ex partner and his wife don't further punish the OP in petty retaliation for this thread. The ex sounds like a snake in the grass already so I wouldn't put it past him.
Of course, if someone were to enlighten us as to why our views are especially spiteful and unwarranted.....(?)

Akanamali · 31/10/2018 15:19

I don't know if there's anything you can do about the lack of contribution but you have my full sympathy. Your ex is a poor excuse of a man and both he and the new wife are treating your children dispicably. You would hope that this thread would give them a few things to think about but I've seen from your update that they've reacted in a way that is completely normal for the self centered and unfeeling individuals that they are.

whatsthestory123 · 31/10/2018 15:21

i dont think current wife would brave this thread (her arse would be served to her on a plate)

anyway nothing she says could sound reasonable as to why he chooses not to support his children

Akanamali · 31/10/2018 15:29

Imagine being such a selfish twat that you care about your ex wife complaining about you on an anonymous forum but are completely fine with not having contributed anything towards your children in three years. The mind boggles.

kitkatsky · 31/10/2018 15:37

Was he in any way controlling when you were together? My ex won't pay despite working. Every time CMS catch up with him he quits his job and threatens not to return DD after contact, but from time to time he suggests he'll start paying and doesn't. I know it's to keep me on my toes. Wonder if same true here?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/10/2018 15:40

A full overview of their circumstances? We don't need a full overview, he's either paid for his children for the last few years or he hasn't - that's what it comes down to.

Fuzzywig · 31/10/2018 15:52

I think the new wife won’t worry about the feckless father leaving her with nothing. He won’t leave her he’s got a cushy number. He doesn’t have to worry about earning a penny or keeping a roof over his head. A shame he didn’t care enough to do something for his own children.

RomanyRoots · 31/10/2018 15:59

Tell your dc that daddy has never paid for anything for them, but treats his other kids.
Why don't people tell kids the truth.
I've known several people grow up and fall out with their mothers for not telling them the truth, they wouldn't have wanted to know dad if they had known.

Until we start shaming men that do this we won't get anywhere, and his wife should be telling him to pay for all his kids, she's no better.

skyesayshi · 31/10/2018 16:03

XH doesn't even pay the minimum CSA but even when he was unemployed, his wife carried on paying the maintenance for a few weeks. It is a shame though that she doesn't encourage him to be a decent man and pay a decent amount for the child that he co-created within a thenloving marriage.

I can't understand any woman that can be with a man who refuses to pay maintenance for his own DC, or doesn't want to see them. I would never want to be with a man like that.

How many sides of a story can there be on the subject? You procreate DC, you pay for them, it doesn't matter what else has happened!

beanaseireann · 31/10/2018 16:04

I agree RomanyRoots.
Tell your children how their father hasn't contributed financially to their rearing.
They need to know they are dealing with a horribly mean man.

TheBigFatMermaid · 31/10/2018 16:05

Ah well, if the Exes wife is reading this..... How will you feel if you break up and someone else supports him in not providing for the children you have together?

I married the father of my first child, knowing he did all he could to provide for the child he had with his ex. When he left me, I did not need to go to the CMS, as I had every faith he would provide for our DD, which he did.

LakieLady · 31/10/2018 16:16

I am at a loss to understand how any woman can be in a relationship with a man who won't step up to his responsibilities for his children from a previous relationship, let alone be complicit in his irresponsibility.

Shameful behaviour from both of them imo.

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 16:16

I can see where pp are coming from about telling dc but I feel that's unfair.

Apologies for the drip feed, I've spent the afternoon upset with myself for being stupid enough post something identifying but since the cat is out of the bag.

Another pp had the right idea when asked if exh was controlling, he was and that's the reason we divorced. I feel this situation with maintenance and money in general is another way to exert control, until I met dh I would basically take all of this behaviour and feel grateful that he bothered at all.

From my perspective exh has periods of time where I'm tolerable and will be receptive to talking, at these times our relationship is civil and it works. At other times, and I don't know why this happens I get nothing but the cold shoulder when no factors have changed, level of contact remains the same.

All of that being said, he is my dcs father and I wouldn't want our issues to colour their relationship. Whether that's right or wrong I feel like it's causing unnecessary hurt to them, I can't do anything about his behaviour but I can mitigate the damage iyswim.

If seems like he's had one of those times where I was acceptable to speak to and he was feeling guilt, hence the offer of money, now the switch has tripped and it's back to ignoring.

I can't thank you all enough for the support I've had this afternoon, I know there is still an element of control there and I hate it. I feel trapped between putting my feelings first and telling him to get stuffed and protecting my children's feelings.
I guess this post has made my decision, no doubt this will be screen shot and distributed whilst calling me a liar

OP posts:
pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 16:17

Sorry that was rambling! I had a lot in my head!

OP posts:
GlitterRollerSkate · 31/10/2018 16:17

Come on new wife please enlighten us why it is okay for you husband to not pay for his children? Surely a decent parent wouldn't want to see their step children go without?

BewareOfDragons · 31/10/2018 16:22

Lovely that ex-wife and ex-H are happy to let OP support HIS children 100% on her own, even when he comes into money ... and she was happy to have additional children with him by the sounds of it.

Go through the system. He's a shit parent to your children if he can help support them but is refusing to. They'll see that as they grow up, thankfully.

Feefeetrixabelle · 31/10/2018 16:23

Ah another controlling git that produces endless family units while supporting none of them. Let them screenshot op they aren’t getting any sympathy on here. And try cms you may get somewhere.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 31/10/2018 16:23

Men who contribute nothing to their first family make my blood boil. There is no circumstances EVER where a parent should stop providing for their children. He finally has money and books a holiday excluding his children. Shame on him. What a lowlife.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/10/2018 16:27

Let them screenshot it, you can screenshot it too and if he does show them then you can show them the whole thread and how everyone is on your side and not his.

It's annoying that they've found out because now you won't feel like you can sound off properly because it isn't anonymous anymore however you haven't said anything wrong and everyone is in agreement with you.

Fuzzywig · 31/10/2018 16:31

Can the CMS do anything if it’s a one off insurance payment? Would a solicitor be a better option?

I agree with you i would not want my kids to know their father didn’t support them financially. They will understand when they are older.

Good luck OP. I hope he comes through.

Just one more question.... is your ex nice when he wants/needs something then an arse the rest of the time? Mine is, he’ll be nice if he wants to change days/times or needs info for something then when he’s got what he wanted he reverts back to his horrible self.

RightOcciputAnterior · 31/10/2018 16:42

I'm NOT the ex's new wife, and I'm not trying to defend him, but the question this scenario begs is surely what the insurance payout is for? Surely compensation is only payable after an accident if the person who had the injury has incurred financial losses? If he has lost out financially as a result of the accident, maybe he's genuinely realised he can't afford to give any money to OP? (Though that doesn't explain the holiday...)

Do you think the insurance payout has been claimed honestly? If he has exaggerated or fabricated symptoms after a car accident, I'd be tempted to shop him to the insurance company for fraud, but I suppose you probably don't know enough about the situation to know what symptoms he claimed to have and whether he actually has them.

whatsthestory123 · 31/10/2018 16:47

Well if thats the case funny how the ex wants to be compensated for loss

Then when the op has a loss eg child support she just has to suck ut up

Hes gaining on every count

JoyceTempleSavage · 31/10/2018 16:59

If it's accident compensation it's not classed as income I doubt CMS will be able to go after it.

No you don't have to lose earnings to get accident compensation.

He sounds a prince OP the only consolation in all this is that the new wife is stuck with the pointless maintenance avoider. Lucky lucky her

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