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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exh hasn't paid maintenance in 3 years. Sudden windfall came his way, money promised now ignoring me

62 replies

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 11:38

As the title says. Exh hasn't paid any sort of child support for our 2 dc for nearly 3 years. 'Officially' citing depression and anxiety as reason for giving up work.

I would like to point out that I'm a mh professional and in no way dispute the severity of mh issues.

It is common knowledge however, among his family, I'm still close with because of dc, and remaining mutual friends that this is false and it is a method to retain maximum money for his current wife and their 3 dc. His staying at home allows her to work full time with zero childcare costs

Obviously (and rightly) I'm not entitled to nor do I expect any maintenance to come from her wages.

My dh and I manage, I work pt and am at the end of my degree so hopefully my income will increase soon, he works ft.

We do manage but struggle to keep our heads above water at times, at the moment it's especially difficult as the car spectacularly failed it's mot and we just don't have the money to fix it.

Back to my original point. Exh and I have a fractious relationship, he often chooses to ignore his responsibilities to our dc, so I have always facilitated the relationship, ie, the dc go see him/stay with him as often as they wish, he is wheats made aware when there is a parents evening, sports day etc.

Recently exh called and told me he was due an insurance payout from an accident and that he'd like to use some of it to make up for the maintenance payments he's missed. I thought great that would be really helpful. Except now it's been a month, they've booked a holiday, excluding my dc, and I was being unreasonable and entitled to be expecting anything!!

I did not start the convo with exh, I wouldn't have known about it had he not told me and offered!

I know I'm just ranting and this doesn't make a whole heap of sense it's just really frustrating.

OP posts:
whatsthestory123 · 31/10/2018 17:44

I said up thread cms can only take earnings,i was just expressing how he gained compensation and is very willing to take it but op dosent have a chance getting money of himShock

pennynolastname · 31/10/2018 18:35

I don't know what the compensation is for, I'm not privy to, nor am I interested, unless it has an impact on the dcs.

Looks like it won't be coming my way regardless now, the phrase completely disappointed and my complete lack of respect are being bandied about.

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 31/10/2018 18:37

I think you should stop facilitating cibtactceyc with the ex. Let him do the running. Especially as he is disgusting enough not to look after his own kids.

Angrybird345 · 31/10/2018 18:37

Facilitating CONTACT!!

Akanamali · 31/10/2018 19:07

Looks like it won't be coming my way regardless now, the phrase completely disappointed and my complete lack of respect are being bandied about.

To be fair to you I don't know many people who would respect a man that deliberately evades supporting their own children or the woman that enables it. I'm sure you'll be able to live with their disappointment. Flowers

DunkandEggAgain · 31/10/2018 19:20

Where is his respect? He doesn't contribute to his own flesh and blood. Where is his respect? Where is his respect?

Inertia · 31/10/2018 19:25

I I should bloody hope you don’t have any respect for a man who exploits the system to avoid paying maintenance for his own children- he certainly doesn’t deserve it.

Feefeetrixabelle · 31/10/2018 19:38

Well if ex and new partner are watching this thread I’m completely disappointed in the pair of you and think you are both showing a complete lack of respect to the mother of his first two children. Sort your fucking selves out.

BadLad · 31/10/2018 22:08

Surely compensation is only payable after an accident if the person who had the injury has incurred financial losses?

No. This is rubbish.

Imagine you are injured in a car crash. You can still get dressed and go to work, but having to move gingerly means it takes much longer. Also you can't do your hobbies any more. There might be a year or two before the pain goes away completely.

You are entitled to compensation for that pain. True, some people do invent symptoms, although it's less easy to do than people think, as insurers don't just take people's word for it. But injury compensation is not for financial loss - that's a separate head of claim.

klondike555 · 01/11/2018 03:37

Absolutely he's in the wrong. In my world there would be a minimum payment that should always be enforced even if the NRP wasn't working. This would either be out of benefits they received or paid by the person choosing to facilitate them not working. Then whatever decisions they choose to make as a couple factor in that cost and everyone knows where they stand

We must live in the same world, as I've long thought this should be the case, and I'm not even divorced/a single parent.

Any person/NRP who can willingly refuse to provide for their offspring is utter scum, as is the new partner who supports them in this.

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:49

Sorry, but why aren’t cms involved? Even if he was on the rock b roll he would have to pay you something.

Graphista · 01/11/2018 04:36

Unfortunately cms only include taxable income paid directly to him.

Shit system frankly!

I agree there should be a minimum amount ALL nrps pay regardless of income.

WAY too many loopholes - the self employed nrps fiddling their books being the classic one.

Op a word of warning though, like a pp I learned the hard way that it's pointless and even potentially damaging of YOUR relationship with the DC to be less than honest with them Re what their dads like.

I made that mistake and dd was not impressed when she found out. Long story short I stopped (at her request) bending over backwards to facilitate contact etc and result is he now hasn't seen her in several years.

He blames me but the truth is he just didn't care enough to make the effort.

Dd is very hurt by this, she's due to turn 18 in next few months and has already said she's not expecting even a card from him and she'll probably be proved right. It's really affected her and I could cheerfully strangle the git!

Too many shitty deadbeat dads and ignorant women who support them about.

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