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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What age would you give your child alcohol at home?

97 replies

HillyMillylunchmunch · 29/10/2018 20:44

Now my daughter has turned 5 I have realised it is legal to give her alcohol at home!

I'm not planning to this weekend, but have no idea when I'll start. Literally no idea if I'll feel comfortable letting her have the odd weak shandy from 8 at christmas or a sip of Baileys at 10 or if I won't give her anything until she's a teenager. I doubt it'll be later than teenage...but again I really can't tell yet.

So I wondered what other people do with their children - do you offer a young child drink occasionally? Do you give a teenager drink if they ask for it with dinner? Or do you give in and let them have their first pint a fortnight before they turn 18 and nothing before then?

Link to drinkaware page on the law re legal drinking age at home to try and avoid lots of discussion about whether this really is the law or not

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s/

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 31/10/2018 19:32

I grew up in a house where my parents drank pretty much every evening. I do the same. My dad was a functioning alcoholic. My dh didn’t really drink when we met, he now has a beer or glass of wine in the evening.
I suspect I will allow Ds to have a weak beer or similar at around 13/14. I’m not there yet so that may change.

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 31/10/2018 21:46

@RoboJesus I'm surprised by your comment. I was brought up this way and all the data I've seen suggests it's a bad idea. What's the research you have seen?

Inferiorbeing · 31/10/2018 21:56

I used to get a very watered down "wine" from around 8, I didn't drink normal alcohol until I was about 15. It stopped me going off the rails at that age because knew I could drink at home if I wanted!

FuzzyShadowChatter · 31/10/2018 23:19

Haven't yet and none of mine have asked or shown any interest. I can't imagine any specific age, certainly older teen at least, but it would depend on the teen and the situation. I'm not going to offer it just because they're a certain age. I grew up in a family who did that and it isn't something I'm going to do. I discuss alcohol and other things openly as it comes up, I think being open about the pros and cons and not treating as an inevitability or rite of passage or a big bad but as one possible choice that adults make, like many other things, helps kids openly discuss and make choices rather than feel it is expected of them so my kids would need to start the conversation if they wanted to try alcohol underage.

I was quite proud of my 14-year-old at a funeral last year when he kept politely but firmly refusing when an adult (after a few of his own) kept trying to get him to drink or to take some from his father and mine's bottles of cider and having a laugh over his refusal with others. The man who did it used the fact that it was legal since his father and I were there to try to persuade my son. It took everything to bite my tongue and remain polite as the man was grieving a close relative but that was beyond unacceptable and it made my blood boil. I grew up with adults offering alcohol a lot in a similar manner, the power imbalance, pressure to fit and be part of the family & community and be grown-up, the mockery for not doing so or reacting badly to it, it's very difficult for many kids to make clear choices on whether to drink or abstain with that environment even beyond simply just being kids.

I've never seen early drinking help anyone - really, my experience fits the research I've read and stuck by: for the general population, there might not be a big significant difference - that may need more research as findings go back and forth though community seems to be the important key, but for those more vulnerable to issues with alcohol or addiction (one relative raises the likelihood significantly, possibly more members of a family having issues raises it further) or in communities that generally mismanage alcohol - people are more likely to have issues the earlier exposed.

Most people in the schools I went to could drink at home, many parents felt encouraging it at home would help. They still drunk wildly when out of supervision. Really they were worse as their parents tended to let them bring alcohol if they thought it was a house party with supervision but everyone knew none of them would check. I saw groups of 11 years olds drunk (my sister among them - she had brought them to our father's house though she longer lived there as he was regularly out of town, other parents would let their kids bring alcohol, it was horrible walking into that).

While I can get communities where a glass at the table is just the norm and kids become part of that, that is not the community I was in or am in and I really don't think those that end up with problem drinking habits or addictions do so because they didn't start drinking early enough.

Glasgowbound · 31/10/2018 23:34

We have research mentioned that says introducing alcohol young leads to problem drinking, and other research saying it encourages sensible drinking. Very confusing. Not drinking is of course also an option, it is not essential to "teach" our children how to drink.

brizzledrizzle · 31/10/2018 23:42

My 15 year will finish whatever is in my wine glass if he takes it out to the kitchen, given he's over six foot and there's nothing much left I'm not bothered.

cariadlet · 31/10/2018 23:59

We let dd have a couple of bottles of cider at her 16th birthday party a few months ago. She reckoned that she enjoyed it and proudly announced that she's not a lightweight because she didn't get drunk. We hadn't let her have anything before that.

Funnily enough she's not bothered asking for any alcohol since then apart from one failed attempt to have a cider with a meal when we had lunch at Wetherspoons (they're very strict: the waitress asked which of us the cider was for, wanted to see dd's ID and then said that even if it was legal it was against their policy to serve alcohol to 16 and 17 year olds).

Madein1995 · 01/11/2018 00:10

I'm not a parent so have no clue on how I'd act in reality but I know how I'd like to think.

Nothing until at least 14 or 15, and only weak shandies then. I don't believe the whole 'drinking early leads to moderation' stuff. It doesn't. It just makes alcohol more normalised. Adults think it's good that by the time someone hits 18, that they know x amount of vodka is their limits; I don't agree. Drinking and being sick and learning your limits are for adults, surely. Not children.

And it makes the whole alcohol and drinking thing bloody confusing for the child, too. My parents aren't great (whole other story) with really odd rules. I was drinking archers and lemonade (so nice flavours) and shandies at family parties from around 8. By the time I was 14 my mum was giving me and friends cider at home, and at 15 we split a bottle of vodka and I got terribly sick. But getting sick wasn't normal; the times I did I was told off the next morning for not knowing my limits. Buying drink and drinking in the park like most teens do, was unspeakably wrong, yet drinking 4 pints at home was fine, really confusing.

Also - and I appreciate this is just my experience and no one else's - I relied on it. I was bullied a lot when I went to secondary and I knew from previous experience (family parties) that alcohol made me feel nice. So I drank from the age of 11, to try and make things better, and basically used it as a coping strategy, even taking alcohol into school.

I might just have an addictive personality, but from the age of 15 I've known alcohol and me have a weird relationship. I controlled it ok until the 3rd year of uni when things got out of hand.

And maybe the early drinking had nothing to do with the rest of it, but it didn't help. There's no excuse for a child to be accustomed tothat. I'm not saying it's a case of two extremes, because there's not and there is a middle ground - perhaps a glss of wine at 15 or 16. When they're old enough and mature enough. But giving it at 8 is madness.

Let's not forget that alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs about, yet one of the most widely used and abused. You'd never imagine coke pubs, where people could go and buy a few lines and the local teacher and mums would be indulging. You'd never dream of seeing a glass called 'valium o clock'. You'd be horrified if a friend told you that every night after she gets the kids to bed, she has heroin to wind down. And it is the same as alcohol. The only difference is alcohol is legal, which doesn't mean that it's safe.

It's everywhere, the whole drink culture - gin o clock, wine o clock, prosecco time, why mummy drinks etc - it's just normalising drinking. It's not just fun - its the whole thing of works hard, kids are a nightmare so get them to bed and have a glass to wind down. That isn't social drinking, that's using alcohol as a clutch and that is the road to dependency.

Like I say, just my experience and in no way are my views the only/best ones. But all I know is my personal experience and what I've been through, and I will be A LOT more controlling over it than my parents were.

corythatwas · 01/11/2018 00:20

*Don't France and Spain have more of a drink problem than the UK

That doesn't seem to be the case either statistically or anecdotally. I've never seen binge drinking in either of those countries like I have in the UK.*

You see less binge drinking but they have a really big problem with liver disease and other serious alcohol-related illnesses.

Deadringer · 01/11/2018 00:42

I have never offered my dc alcohol, or bought it for them, ever. Once they are old enough to drink they can get it for themselves, I have no intention of encouraging them to drink. 3 of them are adults now, one is a non drinker and the other 2 drink pretty sensibly.

MyOtherProfile · 01/11/2018 07:01

You see less binge drinking but they have a really big problem with liver disease and other serious alcohol-related illnesses.

A quick google suggests it is no worse than the UK and is significantly declining.

What age would you give your child alcohol at home?
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/11/2018 07:05

My 8 year old asks for sips

I say no Grin

Thislife2018 · 01/11/2018 08:38

I was allowed a Lambrusco (5% alcohol) and lemonade at 6 or 7 with Sunday lunch and Buck’s Fizz at Christmas, then alcopops from around 13. There was always alcohol in the house. Mainly spirits. And my parents never minded me helping myself. I’ve never been much of a drinker and can take it or leave it most of the time. My parents were a glass a night type drinkers and I never saw either of them drunk. My kids (8&6) have had a couple of tastes and never liked it. We talk about alcohol and about how too much can make you drunk which is silly and dangerous.

corythatwas · 01/11/2018 13:33

MyOtherProfile, I checked and it is true that there is a decline. But that is hardly because more children are given alcohol very young, almost certainly because the new generation is drinking less on a regular basis. My figures (which I now realise are outdated) came from a time when drinking alcohol every day from a young age was normalised in Mediterranean countries.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 01/11/2018 13:36

I think we drank a glass of Asti on Christmas Day probably from age of 9/10. Parents didn't over-indulge us. FWIW DS still has not drunk a glass (beyond a sip) of any alcohol and he's nearly 18!

DammitOedipus · 01/11/2018 13:42

If they ask, I'd let them. Most kids hate it!

MyOtherProfile · 01/11/2018 15:08

@corythatwas we dont know what the reaasons are. We have to be careful what conclusions we draw from statistics.

shearwater · 01/11/2018 15:12

I was allowed from the age of about 7, wine or vermouth with lemonade, and shandy.

The thinking is different these days though and even small amounts of alcohol aren't great for growing bodies.

At the same time, if my 13 and 9 year olds asked to taste some wine or beer I would probably let them, but they haven't asked, so I haven't.

shearwater · 01/11/2018 15:18

That isn't social drinking, that's using alcohol as a clutch and that is the road to dependency

I think you mean a crutch. It really depends, if you can stop at one or two drinks and have several nights alcohol-free, and reign it in if you start having more then you are unlikely to have a problem.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/11/2018 20:43

I have been berated on here and in rl because I banned dd and ds from alcohol.

As far as I can see the children of those that were encouraging their dc to drink sensibly are now shocked at the states they are getting into.

I know a few of these parents have had incidences where they have had to spend the night in A&E with their late teens.

tor8181 · 01/11/2018 20:56

never,we are anti alcohol house i wont even let adult drink here

itsbritneybiatches · 01/11/2018 21:45

I was always allowed the froth on a lager from my mum or dads glass and a finger dipped in a wine glass for a taste.

I apply the same principle with my daughter.
She's five.

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