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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to change the date of my wedding?

42 replies

kiwikovi · 29/10/2018 12:59

Hi all,
Long story short: we've just told my (soon to be) father-in-law that we are getting married in April 2019 and it turns out his wife and him have bought tickets to go on a (4 day) minibreak to Turkey exactly when the wedding will be. They have spent 300 Euros on the tickets which are nonrefundable and cannot be changed in any way.
They don't want to lose the money, so I have told him it is not a problem if they cannot make it to the wedding (imagine very low-key, almost just a dinner). Just for info, they got married a few years ago while we were away from the country for 3 months.
He has now asked me if we would consider changing the date of the wedding. Nothing has been fully booked yet, but the date is special to us. Am I being unreasonable to not want to change the date?
(Well that was not short at all! Sorry Blush )

OP posts:
Di11y · 29/10/2018 13:02

could you go halves on reimbursing them the cost so they just don't go? some would be the gift to you, some absorbed by the wedding costs because you want them there?

yanbu to keep the date, they are nbu to ask if you can change it.

PixieCutRegret · 29/10/2018 13:03

I think yabu sorry, if you haven't put any money down you can easily change the date so your DF's dad can attend without losing €300

Lululemonade · 29/10/2018 13:05

Don’t change it, it is your wedding and you have picked a special date

Joinourclub · 29/10/2018 13:07

If it is only a small wedding then it seems less of a big deal to change the date, than it dies for them to change their already booked holiday. Saying ‘you don’t need to come’ sounds a bit mean!

RatUnholyRolyPoly · 29/10/2018 13:09

Wouldn't having your dp's father there be more special than a date?

LaDameAuxLicornes · 29/10/2018 13:10

What does your fiancé want to do? It's his dad.

I think most people do check with immediate family that the date they have in mind is manageable before finalising it.

Original poster
kiwikovi · 29/10/2018 13:14

Thanks guys! Think I'd be more inclined to give them the money they'd be losing than change the date. However, I don't think they would accept it and at the same time it would probably just make everyone feel more uneasy.

OP posts:
Spamfrittersforeveryone · 29/10/2018 13:16

People over dates, every time.

Mitzimaybe · 29/10/2018 13:17

When they arranged their wedding, did they know you would be abroad? If you were already abroad when they arranged it, did they know when you were coming home? I'm trying to ascertain how much they tried to accommodate you in their wedding plans, even though three months is rather different from a long weekend. If they weren't bothered about having you at their wedding then they have no right to ask you to change your date to accommodate them.

Your wedding date (whatever it is) is always going to be special to you whether it was held on a previously significant date or not. As you haven't yet booked it, I think I'd change it if you can, but as PP have said, I think your DH-to-be should have the main say in this.

Original poster
kiwikovi · 29/10/2018 13:18

My mum told them the date a month or so ago, but it is unclear weather they bought the ticket before or after that.
Fiancé had enough of having to make everyone happy and the whole day turning into pleasing everyone else but us.
In hindsight should have stuck to that beach wedding on our own somewhere warm Grin

OP posts:
Havaina · 29/10/2018 13:19

What is the significance of the special date?

And are you sure you're not still a bit peeved that they had their wedding when you and DH were on holiday?

What's the relationship like between you all?

teaandtoast · 29/10/2018 13:19

If the date is special to you then I wouldn't change it.

It's obviously not the done thing in your dfil-to-be's family for everyone to be present at a wedding anyway.

TeenTimesTwo · 29/10/2018 13:19

Your wedding date (whatever it is) is always going to be special to you whether it was held on a previously significant date or not.

^^This.

Blanchedupetitpois · 29/10/2018 13:20

I think YABU because they booked their dates first and stand to lose a lot of money.

I guarantee that in years to come, you’ll see that the value of your family being there is so much more than the value of a date.

panago · 29/10/2018 13:24

YABU.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 29/10/2018 13:24

My mum told them the date a month or so ago, but it is unclear weather they bought the ticket before or after that.
Fiancé had enough of having to make everyone happy and the whole day turning into pleasing everyone else but us.

But why did you leave it to your mum to tell them something as significant as your own wedding date? Why didn't your fiancé discuss it with his dad himself? It sounds like a really strange family dynamic!

Original poster
kiwikovi · 29/10/2018 13:24

We've been together 12 years and the date is basically our anniversary already.
The relationship is good despite living in different countries, we do speak often.
Cannot give you mich info on their wedding preps as we had just been told that we will not be around for their wedding, which dis not bother me at all. I always thought it's the couple's big day and if people can join in on the celebrationsl awesome. If someone cannot make it that's fine as well. As I mentioned, originally we just wanted to be on our own..

OP posts:
Original poster
kiwikovi · 29/10/2018 13:29

"But why did you leave it to your mum to tell them something as significant as your own wedding date? Why didn't your fiancé discuss it with his dad himself? It sounds like a really strange family dynamic!"

My parents and them get on well and they were over for dinner when they started talking about our plans. At this point fiance was already pissed off with the whole wedding planning and didn't want to het involved Confused

OP posts:
Faithlulu · 29/10/2018 13:35

As you have not paid for anything can you go back to the beach somewhere warm idea! 😜 sounds like your fiancé is not loving the wedding planning and change of plans...

SpoonBlender · 29/10/2018 13:36

Another vote for the beach.

greendale17 · 29/10/2018 13:38

YANBU- you want this special date then go for it. It is your wedding

Streambeam · 29/10/2018 13:38

All comes down to what is most important to you, having that particular date, or having your inlaws present as part of your special day.
There’s also the issue of your choice sending a message to your inlaws about the value you place on them.
Long-term, what is going to have the greatest impact on your happiness as a family?

MrsJamin · 29/10/2018 13:42

Your wedding day will become your new special date! How can you put that above your DH's family being there?

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 29/10/2018 13:44

I wouldn’t change the date, it’s your wedding and you’ve chosen a date that is significant to you. We only booked our wedding in March for an August wedding. My sil had a holiday to Australia booked, her partner flew out on the original date and sil paid to move her flight and fly out later, if she’d chose to go on holiday it would have been her choice. I wasn’t going to move my wedding for anyone, not even parents.

RiverTam · 29/10/2018 13:46

what is more important, the date or family?