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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to dd2’s GCSE choices parents’ evening?

79 replies

TwoPlacesAtOnce234 · 29/10/2018 11:33

Dd1 is 18 and in her first term at a university about a two and a half hour drive away from us. She is a great violinist, is in the orchestra (and a string quartet) and is taking part in a Christmas concert in early December.

Dd2 is 14 and in Year 9. Choosing GCSEs is coming up soon, and on the same evening in early December as dd1’s concert, she has a parents’ evening. At her school, it’s the first one where pupils attend with their parents, and it’s supposed to be where they talk to all their teachers about GCSE choices, before making their decision over the Christmas holiday and giving the form in in January.

Unfortunately, I can’t be in both places at once. WIBU to go to dd1’s concert and send dh to dd2’s parents’ evening by himself? I really want dd1 to have at least one parent in the audience at her concert (we went to all her school concerts, and want to keep that going now she’s at uni).

Or do dd2’s school and GCSE choices have to come first?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/10/2018 12:22

I would go to the parent's evening, she has big decisions to make and needs your support of you've been the more engaged with her education.

Doobydoobeedoo · 29/10/2018 12:27

Surely one parent being there should be enough?

If your DH hasn't been involved in DD2's school life so far, then this would be a good time for him to start. He will have DD with him to tell him which teachers she needs to speak to. He and DD can pass on any relevant information to you. Chances are there will also be printed information available on the night too.

If the evening is in early December, that still gives you a couple of weeks to find out any further required information so that DD's forms can be completed and handed in on time.

AnneOfCleavage · 29/10/2018 12:34

Actually I am on the fence here as you both would have attended DD1's GCSE parents evening so you should show the same united front with DD2 otherwise she'll feel that she isn't as important.

Of course it's lovely to want to go to your other daughters concert but if you've made ALL the others I think she'll understand as a one off especially as it's an important evening for her sister. Does she have grandparents / aunties / uncles who could go if it's imperative she has a family member in the audience?

Flaskfan · 29/10/2018 12:36

Ask dd. She might feel you're choosing dd1 over her, or she might not care. Equally, dd1 might not care about parents seeing her perform in.uni.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2018 12:39

Why is it so important tthat you attend the concert? If your dd is a talented violinist then this will surely be one concert of very many. On the other hand your dd2 will (hopefully) pick GCSEs exactly once.

Satsumaeater · 29/10/2018 12:44

I went to DS' GCSE option evening. DH was at work. It only needs one parent.

TheNumberfaker · 29/10/2018 12:44

I would prioritise DD2’s options over a concert. DD1 is an adult now, DD2 is still a child and needs you or your DH, whoever is best equipped to talk to teachers and support her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2018 12:47

Speak to your dd2 and sound her out. I think her needs should actually be considered first and foremost. You may well find she’s ok with this if you reassure her you can help her go through her options without physically being there. Afterall you’ve been through options once with her sister.

I would imagine it more difficult to pin the teachers down outside of parents evening and if your dd2 feels you should be there that’s where you should be. Your dd1 is a young adult and should understand you are discussing her sister’s future. The world is getting increasingly competitive. At the end of the day there will be more concerts.

Sleepsoon7 · 29/10/2018 12:48

Involve DD2 (and DD1) in the decision. I’m also the one in our family who is more involved in DCs education so DH normally takes a backseat. I couldn’t go to one of DC2s parents evenings - the one after they had made their GCSE choices. DC2 said didn’t mind me not going so long as someone went. DH and I discussed what we thought should be raised. He went and actually made notes during the meeting (!) telling the various teachers that he wanted to report back accurately. Not sure what the teachers made of it but DC2 was happy enough.

sashh · 29/10/2018 12:48

Did you go to dd1's options evening?

Isn't dd2's education just as important? Because that's the signal you will be giving, dd1's latest of many concerts is more important than her GCSEs.

SassitudeandSparkle · 29/10/2018 12:49

I'd say the options evening was way more important than the concert tbh. Not sending a good message to your DD2 really.

SoupDragon · 29/10/2018 12:49

My DC have only ever had one parent attend parents evening. It's fine!

HellenaHandbasket · 29/10/2018 12:50

If you have been more involved, you go with dd2 and send dh to concert.

sunlighthouse · 29/10/2018 12:54

Is this level of parental engagement normal for parents evenings?? If so things have really changed since my secondary school days...

My DC aren't school age so just interested in what I've got to come!

RomanyRoots · 29/10/2018 12:56

You go to the parent's evening and send dh to the concert.
Is your dd studying violin at university? Missing one concert won't be a big deal if you are likely to be watching her in professional work in the future.

hellsbells99 · 29/10/2018 12:57

I would say one parent go to each 'event'.
It is equally important that your DD1 doesn't feel that you have lost interest now she has left home. It is lovely that she wants you to be involved still and has invited you to her concert. I will be attending my DD's university concert in December.
Are there any particular issues that DD2 has or that she wants to discuss? Does she already know what options she wants to do? This should help you decide whether it needs to be you attending or DH (as you are most involved). Then ask DD2 if she has a strong preference for which parent attends. The other parent can then go to the concert. I would have thought that all the information regarding options is sent home anyway and the parents evening is an opportunity to discuss with the teachers. My DDs' GCSE parents evening was just a 'hard sell' by each teacher to try and get both DDs to take their subject.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 29/10/2018 12:58

One goes to each.
Your older dd will love a parent there. First term away is hard on everyone and they still need support, especially in the early days. It's important to you too.

TeenTimesTwo · 29/10/2018 13:00

sunlight This isn't any old parents evening. This is the evening when they can discuss possible GCSE option choices with her current teachers.
For DD1 I used that as an opportunity to ask 'if DD selects this subject do you expect her to pass?'
For DD2 (evening coming up in Jan) I will probably ask the same question, plus also 'what do you think is the biggest obstacle for DD in this subject?' or something similar.
It is for some DC quite a critical evening as it can impact which GCSEs they choose.

StealthNinjaMum · 29/10/2018 13:01

I think it's ok for one parent to go to the parents evenings but if you're the 'expert' on dd2s education then I think that it would be more useful for you to go to the parents evening.

Glasgowbound · 29/10/2018 13:02

Won't there be lots of concerts though? Or send your dh since he's going to be crap at the parents night anyway, so he could go to the concert.

anniehm · 29/10/2018 13:03

I missed dd2's choices evening as I already knew what was needed. Don't feel guilty, your older dd also needs you

booellesmum · 29/10/2018 13:04

I would go to the concert.
Having had 2 go through choosing gcse's the meetings were not helpful.
PowerPoints we saw were subsequently put on the website. The teachers were lovely but it didn't help to make any decisions. They all just said choose what you would be happiest doing.
The decisions will be made at home when you can sit with your DD and help go through pros and cons - not on the evening.
Enjoy the concert.

naivetyisthenewblack · 29/10/2018 13:07

Whichever one of you is most involved with your DD's education should go to the parent's evening and the other one to the concert.

If you're both equally involved, then both go.

If it was me, I'd go to the parent's evening as DP is crap at relaying what was said. He sums up and seems to only relay things if he thinks we need to act on them or there's a problem. He doesn't seem to retain (or pay attention to?) the detail. I've asked him before about what's been said at a meeting and he's said "oh, nothing much, just x & y" then asked another parents and got a full run down of a,b,c,d,e,f & g as well. (Sorry probably tmi but I'm a bit frustrated about this!)

So, in our family, I'd go.

You know the dynamic for your family.

naivetyisthenewblack · 29/10/2018 13:08

Sorry that should have said:

"If you're both equally involved, then both can go to either one"

RedSkyLastNight · 29/10/2018 13:16

I think it's fine for one parent to go to the parents' evening (though if you are more involved in academic things, I think it should be you).

Does DD1 actually want a parent at her concert?
I know times have changed, but parents never went to university concerts/plays/shows back in the day.

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