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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should NRP pay maintenance if their child goes to uni

119 replies

timelord92 · 29/10/2018 08:49

Just a general discussion about university and maintenance.

Is it fair that it stops when the child is 18 and goes to university? To a lot of people they are still children and still learning.

However, to the government they are adults now and therefore are old enough to support themselves, even tho how much loan they receive is determined by what the parents earn.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

batshitbetty · 30/10/2018 19:49

We stopped paying it to DP's ex and started paying it direct to DSS.

The ex still seemed to think we should be giving it to her, even though DSS had moved away permanently (and wouldn't even be going home at holidays).

She contributed nothing at all to his university costs

Mummyundecided · 30/10/2018 20:07

The NRP has no such costs, could move to a one-bed flat if they wanted to economise, do as they please really.
What if the NRP has other, younger, children, either with their ex or a new partner? What if the child at uni still wants to split their time between their RP and their NRP during vacations?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2018 21:08

Only scum don’t support their kids through higher education
Yeah cos you must be scum if you're on minimum wage or the cost of childcare for your other kids means there's no extra cash to wave around eh? I paid for myself through Uni because my Dad simply didn't have any cash left after paying the bills and covering his own costs. He raised us on his own and my mother never contributed a penny but yeah he must be scum to not financially provide for his adult cgikd who has chosen to go on to Uni of their own choice

reallyanotherone · 30/10/2018 21:33

Only scum don’t support their kids through higher education

So my mother, a widow of many years, is scum is she?

She didn’t support me financially through uni, after all.

giantbanger · 30/10/2018 21:39

I didn’t support DS. He did a first degree, I helped as much as I could with that but I am a lone parent and was in a min wage job at the time with other kids at home, and then he went on to do medicine. I gave him occasional bungs if I could but I wouldn’t have called it support.
Nice to know I’m scum though. That’s really pleasant.

reallyanotherone · 30/10/2018 21:42

*The RP can't downsize to a smaller property because their child still needs their room, they have to feed their child and provide utilities when they're home, yet they can't charge their child 'keep' because they're not in full time employment.

The NRP has no such costs, could move to a one-bed flat if they wanted to economise, do as they please really*

There is nothing stopping the “RP” downsizing and the young adult living with the “NRP” in the holidays.

We can’t downsize, we’ve already had to sell up and move somewhere cheaper. But we do have space for sds to stay with us- as I said, it actually makes sense for us to be “RP” as we are lower income and student aid is maximised.

Plus dh would love it. He’s had over 16 years living separately from his kids and has hated every minute.

These are young adults. As such there is no “RP” officially. They can stay with either parent.

TheStopAndChat · 30/10/2018 21:43

Hell no! Why should the NRP be subsidising the RP?

I so loathe this 'brand' of NRP (or step parent as is usually this case) Adds nothing to the conversation and shows your cards way too early.

I believe maintenance should cease at 18, or whenever full time education finishes. That does not mean that I believe a NRP has no further obligations. Just that they should not be 'forced' to pay.

My ex-h ceased paying the minute he could and my children never saw another cent. Thankfully, they are extremely self sufficient and have all worked in order to get where they want to go. One is still at Uni but working as well.
At 18 their relationship, including financial support, is between them and their father. Of course I believe he should help them but it is his relationship at stake, not mine. My childrens' relationship with their father is a result of many things, lack of support being just one.

I will continue to do all I possibly can and my children will do the same for themselves. Can't 'make' someone feel responsible and my children know very well what's what

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 21:56

"GloomyMonday so if the "child" comes home at 21/22 and stays til they're 30 does the NRP keep paying?"

Of course not. They get a job and pay keep.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 21:58

" but to suggest that women should receive money to pay for adults that aren't even living with them is ludicrous."

Well they are, during the (many) holidays.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:01

"Uni students are expected to self fund generally. Or how do children who have only one parent (death, uninvolved nrp etc) ever survive?"

That's not true. Otherwise everyone would get the same maintenance loan instead of a sliding scale depending on household income. The application forms make this clear. Children in the situation you describe would get the maximum allowance which might just about make self funding possible.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:02

" What if the child at uni still wants to split their time between their RP and their NRP during vacations?"

If an equal split, there is no RP, no CM due.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:03

"So my mother, a widow of many years, is scum is she?"

"Yeah cos you must be scum if you're on minimum wage or the cost of childcare for your other kids means there's no extra cash to wave around eh?"

Surely it's obvious that pp is referring to those cases where NRP can afford to pay but don't.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 30/10/2018 22:07

Maintenance should 100% stop once a child reaches 18, regardless of the circumstance, unless the child has a long-term disability which means they will never be independent. If the NRP won't support the DC through uni, then unfortunately, like many other students whose parents cannot or choose not to support them, they will need to take a loan out. It's completely unacceptable that a NRP should continue to pay a RP for a child who no longer lives at home, to all intents and purposes. The young person has, aged 18 and an adult, made a decision about their future, which is their responsibility. That's why student loans are for students and not for parents. The person going to university has made that choice. If parents can/want to support, that is great but any arrangement should ve between the parent and the young person directly. To go to uni is an adult choice not a continuation of compulsory education.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:08

"There is nothing stopping the “RP” downsizing and the young adult living with the “NRP” in the holidays."

In which case the RPis no longer the RP, no CM due.

I really don't think it's a difficult legal concept : CM continues to be paid until child finishes their first degree. CM is divided between child and RP. If there is no RP - child doesn't go home, child goes to home of previous NRP, child divides time equally between RP and NRP - then there is no longer any maintenance due to RP as they are no longer the RP.

All agreed at time of financial settlement.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:11

"It's completely unacceptable that a NRP should continue to pay a RP for a child who no longer lives at home"

Thank goodness the courts disagree with you.

Soontobe60 · 30/10/2018 22:11

Of course it should stop!

theredjellybean · 30/10/2018 22:11

My dp stopped maintenance to his ex wife for dd1 when dd1 went to uni.
Dd1 gets money direct from dp, and she spends majority of her holiday living with us.
Ex wife is furious about loss of cm and says she cannot afford family home without it and she shouldn't have to sell it.
I keep very neutral on this issue but frankly don't have much sympathy. My dp let ex wife keep family home and all the equity and capital growth and paid very much more cm than he had to.
Now ex wife effectively does not house or keep his dd1 more than 25% of the uni holidays and does not give her any money for living expenses at uni I don't think he should pay her cm
Its a source of much anger from ex.

Mummyundecided · 30/10/2018 22:14

*"What if the child at uni still wants to split their time between their RP and their NRP during vacations?"

If an equal split, there is no RP, no CM due.*

You have missed the point. It doesn’t have to be 50-50. If the NRP downsizes to a 1-bed, their (now adult) child will not even be able to stay a single night.
Also, what if they have other children? Either with their ex, or a new partner. Why should they suffer because you think the NRP (by your definition, usually the man) should downside to pay for one child to attend uni. What too if the NRP is already in a bedsit, unemployed, on benefits, disabled etc?
If both parents can pay, fine, if they can’t, then they can’t. Same is true if each parent separately.
The whole fees and loans system is shit for everyone except the very wealthy.

Mummyundecided · 30/10/2018 22:15

The same is true of each parent separately.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:16

theredjelly, if his ex didn't agree it as part of the divorce settlement then she can't be surprised that he's stopped paying it, and hard to justify anyway if holidays are spent with you.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:19

Mummy, I'm sorry I don't understand your points. I don't think I'm saying what you think I'm saying. My only point really is that it is common now for courts to include cm to the end of full time education (rather than 18), with 50% being retained by RP for costs associated with maintaining the family home.
If NRP circumstances change and he can't pay court mandated cm he needs to go back to court for a revision of the order.

BitchQueen90 · 30/10/2018 22:21

I'm a RP and receive maintenance. If DS goes to university I won't expect exh to continue paying maintenance to me but I will expect him to help DS out with living costs etc.

I do not want to rely on money from my exh to pay my bills when DS is no longer living at home full time. I know that the money will stop when DS is 18 and so my goal is to get my finances in order well before that time.

It's not something that happens unexpectedly. Maintenance stops when a child turns 18 so it makes sense for RPs to prepare for that time.

reallyanotherone · 30/10/2018 22:22

Thank goodness the courts disagree with you

Do they? Dh’s divorce no CM was set by the court as the judge said unless exceptional circumstances (NRP is very wealthy) the CSA can overrule a court. The judge could set CM but either party could go to the CSA at any point and CM would be set according to their rules.

Their rules being whilst in full time secondary education up until 19. Not university.

GloomyMonday · 30/10/2018 22:32

"the CSA can overrule a court. The judge could set CM but either party could go to the CSA at any point and CM would be set according to their rules."

Yes the NRP can agree cm as part of the consent order and, I think a year afterwards, apply to cms to change the amount. A dick move after agreeing it as part of a divorce settlement imo (unless there's a serious change in circumstances).

pumpkinpie01 · 30/10/2018 22:33

My DS was home May-sep between year 2 and year 3 uni. He worked 3 jobs and saved very hard to pay the £1200 rent for his house at uni. We took no rent off him as my DH ( not his father ) and I could see how hard he was saving. We don’t earn a lot of money ourselves and obviously our food bill / utilities went up. It would have been great if my ex h had given me a contribution for those months but he would have laughed at such a suggestion as ds had 3 jobs ( not regular hours at any so varied weekly income ) but yes I was supporting our son for 5 months. But then again my choice not to take rent , but I would have felt very mean doing so tbh

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