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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay maintenance

90 replies

justmeandhimnow · 29/10/2018 07:00

Long story short...I have my L/O a min of two nights in the week and every weekend (including every other Sunday evening)
I pay childcare costs...but AIBU to not want To pay the other parent maintenance? It's more than 50/50 my side..

OP posts:

Original poster

justmeandhimnow · 31/10/2018 15:16

Whereismumhiding2 - I book hols and typically have three full weeks in the year with her..the ex will do probably the same..the rest of the time little one is in holiday club (which i pay for) so it's like a normal week really..

The whole "they took a break at the start" therefore you should contribute more now" how's that even a thing? It's like saying I can take a break now to take LO to school everyday - but I want them to pay me for it next year..

Also this whole poverty piece is a bit OTT - yea I earn more, but that isn't because the other person became a parent...my LO never goes without..

It's been interesting to see responses - it feels like the system is heavily slanted towards old ways of parenthood (and I get that some this still exists)

OP posts:

Flatwhite101 · 31/10/2018 15:45

The system is slanted in favour of whoever is the 'resident' parent somewhat, yes. Those who are saying if it's 50/50 then no maintenance is payable are not correct. As someone just pointed out, if you are the 'paying' parent and have your child half the time or even more, then you are still assessed to have to pay. Of course if you arrange it between yourselves and do it amicably, then could sort out who pays for what fairly, then may not decide to pay maintenance between yourselves. Where it gets more tricky is when resident parent goes to CMS, and other parent is asked to pay a certain amount. This can be a bit contentious if non-resident has child 40-50% of time already and pay for things already. Certainly seen similar happen with friends, and then they become resentful of paying for anything other than CMS mandated amount

Larrythecat · 31/10/2018 16:11

I have not been in that situation and I know nothing of CMS. I assume that maintenance is not just the direct costs of clubs, uniform and GPs. If the difference in salary is big, it might account for quality of food, clothing and general costs like heating etc? Let's say you are on a 50k salary and other parent is on a 20k. Your disposable income would allow you to get nice food, more fruit, occasional treats, better trainers, a bike for your house, etc. Whereas the other parent might resort to £1 ready meals, charity shop clothes and second hand toys to make ends meet. Maybe the current arrangement takes into account the lifestyle at both ends and has aimed to provide a balance so you can both offer similar things within reason? You probably can reduce the mandatory payments, but doing so would reduce the quality of life at the other house? Forgive my ignorance, though, that's what I would think that happens here. Especially if the other parent might (might!!!) have sacrificed a better career and promotions to do more childcare or have more flexibility during the early years? As I said, no clue, but if it were to happen to us, we would be talking about a difference of 40k in salaries and it would definitely have an impact on what I could offer them in comparison to what DH could offer them, potentially creating a clear divide on quality of life at both houses.

Seniorschoolmum · 31/10/2018 16:21

There are so many things that affect who has real responsibility. So which parent has to leave work and fetch your LO from school if they are ill? Who takes carer days? Who can’t travel for their job because they have to stay within striking distance of the school just in case.

I & my ex both had international jobs before children but now he still travels and I have a UK job because he wouldn’t. So I’ve taken a £20k pay cut, yet he still resents that he has to compensate me for that. He says he pays half the cost, yet doesn’t see that £20k as a cost.

If his plane is delayed, who does school run? Me. When he’s caught on the M4, he assumes I’ll do it.

Overnights aren’t the only thing that counts and a court will take all those things into account.

areanyusernamesleft211 · 31/10/2018 16:35

I recall seeing somewhere that the child maintenance calculator had not been properly updated to take account of the new rules on 50/50 split... so it actually gives an incorrect answer to that situation if you input data. A true 50/50 split requires no maintenance, the rules are very clear about that. OP perhaps you should contact the CMS to receive accurate info you are sure you can rely on re: the legal situation.

Re: the moral situation, you have a lot of conflicting views here too. IMO you are doing everything that can be expected, you are sharing parenting and footing a large amount of your joint costs re: your LO. It’s hardly shirking. If the wild assumtions that your ex is living in poverty may be true, then it’s possibly in the interests of your LO to pay more if you can, but there is no reason to think that’s the case.

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/10/2018 17:20

why don't you get the 50/50 arrangement formalised through the court whilst this pattern is established?
it would make things clearer re maintenance/expenses and give you more security.

currently, you're being made to pay more than your share and the other parent is after even more.
they could easily stop contact anytime and/or use it to blackmail you into submission.

blackteasplease · 31/10/2018 17:23

Is it spousal maintenance you are paying rather than child maintenance?

blackteasplease · 31/10/2018 17:24

That's much more common than mn would have you believe!

HotChocolateWeather · 31/10/2018 17:26

The only similar situation I know is considered 50:50 custody. No maintenance is paid on either side. The Lowest earning parent claims the benefits.

School trips are split 50:50 as are other similar costs like clubs etc.

Each parent has uniform, clothes etc so child doesn't have to drag stuff from house to house unless they chose to (or unless it would be stupid to have two lots eg scout uniform)

Parents organise and pay for the childcare for their days (if applicable)

Both parents are not arseholes and allow the kid to freely move things from house to house if they wish eg mobile, favourite hoodie etc

I don't see why there is a need for maintenance when you have a child 50:50 anyway, let alone when you are shouldering childcare and other costs AND letting the other parent claim the benefits.

JungDisciple · 31/10/2018 17:28

If you earn more and the ''other parent'' has the child more than you do then yes you should pay something.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/10/2018 17:35

Have you done an online assessment of what CMS says?

If you are required to pay maintenance based on the child's resident address and split of residency then you can also ensure things like childcare cost and uniform etc are split evenly.

I am totally for both parents contributing equally in time and finances but agree with you that the financial burden shouldn't be placed higher on you.

If you earn more I'd say it's worthwhile looking at an agreement where you pay for quality percentage each towards childcare and uniform etc.

PearsOfWisdom · 31/10/2018 17:38

When you decide to have a baby and you agreed for your ex to take maternity leave or go part time, you KNEW this would adversely affect her earnings and pension.

You were happy to take the benefit of that then. Well this is the downside now.

Quit moaning and pay up. Choices have consequences.

JungDisciple · 31/10/2018 17:42

Yes, and the ''other parent'' also has less freedom. If you're not going to pay maintenance I think you should have the child half of the week so that the other parent has as much freedom as you do and less responsibility

GloomyMonday · 31/10/2018 20:56

"I think you should have the child half of the week so that the other parent has as much freedom as you do"

OP does have their dc for half of the week, that's the point of the post.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 31/10/2018 21:04

Dh is a sahd and if we split up and he worked earning a grand a month, claimed tax credits and child benefit plus I paid the Cms maintenance rate he would be skint! Child care alone would be astronomical. However I’d look generous to outsider s due to the £ paid but in reality I’d be living the life of Riley and dh and our 3 children would be struggling. That’s even if I left them with 90% of our assets.

The CMS way is crap. And their ability to collect seems crap too! It should be self assessment with late fines and penalties. There’s a reason HMRC don’t trust people to willingly pay their tax bill and it was easy for the government to arrange for a student loan to be taken from salary directly! But I digress now.

Op you may be able to get it reduced to 0 but I guess it depends if you are comfortable with that. In my situation I don’t think I would be as I wouldn’t want my children’s lives to be a struggle whilst I had spare cash or unnecessary luxuries. But I don’t know you and your exes financial situations. I think it’s great your child gets to see both of you so much.

(I only worked our my figures after reading a thread on here).

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