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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay maintenance

90 replies

justmeandhimnow · 29/10/2018 07:00

Long story short...I have my L/O a min of two nights in the week and every weekend (including every other Sunday evening)
I pay childcare costs...but AIBU to not want To pay the other parent maintenance? It's more than 50/50 my side..

OP posts:

PoesyCherish · 29/10/2018 11:07

what if the rp earns a lot more than the nrp, though?

Sorry I should have clarified. What I meant was as it's 50:50, whoever earns more should be paying the maintenance.

flamingofridays · 29/10/2018 11:22

Sorry I should have clarified. What I meant was as it's 50:50, whoever earns more should be paying the maintenance

see I dont agree with this, I dont think one parent should subsidise the other when the care is 50/50

PoesyCherish · 29/10/2018 11:36

Isn't it more subsidising the child though @flamingofridays?

flamingofridays · 29/10/2018 11:39

well no, not really because you have absolutely no idea what the extra money is getting spent on do you? You could be shelling out 100's a month, and the childs life might not be improved at all. I appreciate you could say the same about all maintenance, but it makes a lot more sense to contribute when you physically don't have the child as much.

if you knew the other parent had less income, you could offer to pay for all trips, school uniform, bus fare and whatever else, but I don't think id be doing anything else.

MondayImInLove · 29/10/2018 12:41

I agree @flamingofridays

LagunaBubbles · 29/10/2018 12:46

Not really a night then.... you only have them a couple of hours on weekdays, if that

Eh? What posts are you reading because OP clearly states they have their child overnight!

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 29/10/2018 13:15

CMS can advise you. After many years of being short changed by ex I contacted them. I was underpaid by £178 a month. For years.

I’d contact them.

Dontknowwhattodo23 · 29/10/2018 13:25

I have no experience with anything like this but just wondering if there’s a big difference in yours and your ex partners income.

If not, I don’t think you should have to pay any and if there is you probably don’t have to but morally I think you should.

Thebluedog · 29/10/2018 14:16

I don’t think it matters what the difference in earning is?

If both parents are having the dc 50% of the time and things like school trips/uniforms etc are split 50/50 then there’s no reason for either parent to pay the other. Child maint is to ensure that if there is a primary carer then the money is paid to the primary carer to cover the extra food/housing/clothing they will have to pay by having the dc more. It’s not about subsidising the parent who earns less, it’s about ensuring the dc have what they need in terms of living, the amount varies depends on how much earning the other parent has, but it’s baswd on number of nights the dc stay at each parents house, not what the difference of salaries is

PoesyCherish · 29/10/2018 14:25

it’s baswd on number of nights the dc stay at each parents house, not what the difference of salaries is

Going by your logic why bother basing it at all on the salary then? Why not just say x amount is to be paid. A child doesn't cost more to clothe, feed and house depending on how much their parents earn.

Original poster

justmeandhimnow · 29/10/2018 14:28

Hi - so the agreement is not through the courts...I find the salary bit interesting- yes I earn more - but then again I do t claim the be benefits - they do including ctc which should pay for the childcare but obvs doesn't
Sometimes I think the system is broke...and based on an old way of life where parents on saw their child every other Saturday...(the none custody parent)

OP posts:

Elasticity · 29/10/2018 14:43

My opinion would be joint custody, no maintenance to be paid.

If you wish, let the other lower earning parent claim the CB/CTC etc.

Other parent should contribute to some of the shared costs (school uniforms, trips etc). Whether that be 50/50 or a slightly different split is up to you (given the salary differences).

Would be very revealing if this post was from a dad, complaining about the arrangement he has with the mother. From a quick glance through this thread you haven't revealed what gender both of you are. I suspect the responses, if you were a dad, would be very different...

PoesyCherish · 29/10/2018 14:45

I suspect the responses, if you were a dad, would be very different...

I'd assumed OP was a dad...

Livingloving · 29/10/2018 15:41

I assumed dad too.

GloomyMonday · 29/10/2018 22:13

Op, it does seem that you are paying on a voluntary basis and that you could stop this. You could check the online cm calculator or call them to check. But what would the implications be if you stopped paying? Would your ex lose their home, be in serious hardship, prevent your dd from staying with you overnight? How many years do you have left of this? Could you talk to your ex about a planned gradual withdrawal of support in the hope of doing it amicably?

Holdingonbarely · 29/10/2018 23:06

Is it worth stopping though? I mean do you want to go down that road.
It’s irrelevant what’s fair in a way, it’s what works for you to have a great relationship with your child.
If your ex was fine with you stopping maintenance and you could still do 50/50 etc. Then great.
But if you think it’s going to cause problems then i would think very hard about your next step.
Especially if you can afford it. Because you will not come out of this well if you stop because it’s the absolute letter of the law correct thing to do by the book.

Hidillyho · 30/10/2018 21:07

Who does the majority of school pick up/drop offs? And what happens during school holidays?

Original poster

justmeandhimnow · 31/10/2018 12:25

Other parent does more pick up/drop offs holidays I pay for holiday club and I really take her away for a week each year plus have two other weeks in school holidays to do days out etc

OP posts:

areanyusernamesleft211 · 31/10/2018 12:59

The rules on this have been continually changed over the years so you will find lots of different responses based on the personal experience of posters as the rules applied are different.

Currrently, where there is 50:50 shared care, no maintenance is payable. However, this has to be split overnights as well as the day to day responsibilities. It seems like your ex may be doing a tiny bit more on the pick up/ drop off and holiday front.

It is ultimately up to the CMS to make an assessment and decide. I presume from the post that your ex has applied to them? Even if they decide she does more and maintenance is payable, it will be hugely reduced by the amount of time she spends with you.

You seem to be paying for an awful lot anyway. If she makes a claim for maintenance then you don’t have to pay any of these extra things, it is supposed to cover all of them (even if it is actually less). If she were awarded maintenance, you could just reduce the amount you pay towards childcare by the same amount and expect her to contribute. You would therefore ultimately be paying the same whatever happened.

Mumminmum · 31/10/2018 13:16

If your partner took a hit to their career by having children, then it is fair, that you pay more now, as that person took a hit to the career on the understanding, that you would compensate for it. Even if you said it out loud or not.

Otherwise in reality the other person would pay the majority of the cost of the child care by getting less in wages and less in pension. I think you know this very well and that you have deliberately framed the question as you have. Do you want your children to live in abject poverty half of their time? Do you want them to never ever be able to go and do anything fun with their other parent? Stop being selfish.

LittleOwl153 · 31/10/2018 13:27

The whole 50:50 thing is interesting I think. It is really difficult to actually do 50% of the work involved in raising a child. If you manage it then no actually I dont think you should be paying maintenance.

Whether you argue this I suppose depends on what you would be liable to pay and what costs you actually pay out that you are not 'required' to pay.

Firstly I would look at the CMS calculator and work out what they say you would pay on 3 or more nights a week. www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y

You mention childcare costs - if they are for your night then yes under 50:50 you sould be paying them, if they are other nights then you are not obliged. Same with uniform etc - you should be paying 50%.

I note you did not ask what you should do - but if you were I would look at my own finances, work out whether the maintenance CMS prescribes is affordable and go from there.

Without any form of agreement your exP could seek CMS payments and you would then have to challenge this if you disagreed. Alternatively you could say you will pay the CMS prescribed payments but not childcare etc on ExP's days only 50% uniform etc.

Really it should be about the impact on the child and the affordability as to whether you pay more than you are required to - and that is for your own concious!

Akanamali · 31/10/2018 13:44

If you're paying voluntarily you can discuss the situation with your ex and tell them you feel you're paying too much. I'd look into formalising the current arrangement so they can't just decide to reduce the number of days you have your child overnight in retaliation.

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/10/2018 13:48

But you're not doing 50/50 shared care. If XP does most of holidays (that's 13 weeks a year, of which you seem to be doing 2-3 weeks?)

Ignore the Tues as that doesn't count as not overnight. But is 3 nights, then 4 nights, alternative term time weeks, 50/50 for 3/4 of the year so RP is doing more nights & obviously earns less than you (be honest did his/her career take a back seat when having babies? Does s/he have to do a term time job to get so much time off for school holidays) .

Both of you have to maintain household for benefit of child. It's in your interest that DC is happy & well cared for in both homes. We are all poor once become parents as kids cost a lot! it's not just school uniform and childcare...

Mitzimaybe · 31/10/2018 13:54

Technically / legally I don't think you have to pay maintenance given the situation you describe. Morally is another matter entirely. If you have significantly more disposable income and not paying maintenance would cause you child to suffer whilst at the other parent's, why wouldn't you give them something? That said, you already pay most of the expenses which should be shared (school uniform & trips etc) so probably that covers it.

OhComeOnRon · 31/10/2018 14:12

CMS will tell you you have to pay maintenance even if you input 4 nights a week. So you can literally put in that you have child more, but if the RP is receiving the CB and only has them 3 nights - you still have to pay them.

If privately arranged then obviously you should be having this discussion - you have 50/50 care so can each pay for what is necessary whilst child is in your care.

Also - how did you end up paying for childcare and maintenance based on this arrangement ?

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