Where did I go so terribly wrong?

[Eclipseoftheheart]

I’m so disappointed in my adult children, I feel heartbroken tbh with you.. I don’t think I’ve been the perfect mum at all but I’ve always put my children and their needs first and loved them unconditionally.
Now that they are adults they are both entitled and extremely selfish, no doubt entirely my fault.
I’m having an op today to remove a tumour and neither of them have called me, I have obviously been a terrible mum.
I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic 😢

Posted here for traffic

I think without knowing more and knowing you, it's hard to say anything about your children that will help you.You must be nervous and anxious about the surgery, and that's going to have an impact on how you're feeling about your relationships.

Do you have friends to offer support once you're recovering?

It's still early, they may think you are still in bed.
I don't know what your situation is, but, saying you don't want to come round from the op, is that to hurt them or because you don't want to live anymore?

I’m sorry to hear about your operation, I hope it goes well. Sometimes as an adult life gets busy, and the exact day/time for a procedure (even my own) occasionally gets away from me. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of my parents though. Why don’t you call your children? Surely communication works both ways, and the fact that you think of them as “entitled and extremely selfish” may in itself provide a clue as to why they haven’t called.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

I would just call them. If I wanted support/to hear their voices, I wouldn't wait (and test) them, I'd just call. Perhaps they were planning on calling later to see how it went.

It's not very likely they are completely selfish and absolutely aren't interested in what's happening to you, they may be caught up in their own lives though- so if you need support, reach out to them and also to any friends, people often need a little nudge and it's ok to ask in this situation.

All the best for your op.

This has also been posted in aibu

Parenting

When I was in college my mum got a heart test in the hospital, the horrible one where they insert the wire. I knew about it and she’d told me about it but I didn’t really get that it was something scary for her. She was upset I didn’t come to the hospital to see her after. I was confused. All I understood was that it was a day procedure and hopefully nothing would be wrong. Also the hospital was a few buses away so not convenient. And I assumed (incorrectly) she’d be in and out. I felt bad when she told me she thought I might have called beforehand and visited after but it didn’t occur to me.

Young adults are still naive dickheads about all this new adult stuff. They also still believe parents are invincible. Tell them how hurt you are. It’s a weird changeover to having responsibility for your parents and their feelings and needs suddenly when you become an adult.

OP sorry you are feeling this way.

entitled...extremely selfish...my fault...obviously been a terrible mum...I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic 😢

I appreciate the above may be a reflection of the anxiety you may be feeling to do with the surgery. It sounds huge. However, your words are quite dramatic, and if you have used this sort of language regularly around your children, they may have chosen to emotionally distance themselves. Every situation becomes a test. It doesn't make them not contacting you any less crap, however once you come round from the surgery (which you will!) And do hear from them, perhaps use it as a time to evaluate what you want from your life and your relationships with your children, and work towards that. Together.

Good luck for the operation and I hope it goes well

ABitCrapper, yes for traffic.

You sound very low- maybe it’s the anxiety about the op that’s making you feel so negative?

I don’t know your kids (obvs!) so it maybe that they are selfish toddlers- and it maybe that they will only realise this when they get older/have kids. Or they might never change.
The important thing is to accept them as they are, try and make yourself happy in your own life- if they get involved, that’s a bonus.

Not toddlers! Young adults.

Hugs. I hope you come round from the anaesthetic and I hope your surgery goes very well. Sending you good vibes.

When you're feeling better I hope you or someone else tells your offspring how selfish and awful they are.

Thinking of you 

What's your relationship normally like? Do you communicate often?

We might need a bit more back story

Have they communicated in other ways - texted or messaged? Have you spoken recently? Did they wish you luck then?

Our relationships are one extreme or the other... were either really close and united and then on the other hand we don’t hold back and tend to call a spade a spade which can cause arguments and bad feeling.
I don’t think I’m down, just sad and hurt.
I’m also sure the tumour will be benign but may have a 2 week wait for the histology reports.
Thank you all once again... x

I'd express my disappointment. Young adults are inherently selfish. They need to be taught that caring goes both ways and that you have needs too.

I do know a lady who never rings her adult children though and then moans that they never get in touch. You do need to be proactive too.

You should have rung last night with a bright and breezy "oi you, why haven't you rung? I'm sitting here worrying and I'm a bit upset you haven't bothered to get in touch"

for today and a speedy recovery.

@ABitCrapper - my worst kind of MNer

OP

I’m sorry you feel this way but they may be in touch later. Sending you lots of good thoughts.

Nothing too helpful to add except to say my DD treats me in a very similar off- handed way. I find it incredibly hurtful so I can imagine how you feel. Good luck with the op today.

I do agree with the poster above who says don’t test them. The one positive thing we do have is a family WhatsApp group. You could just text a comment saying you are off to hospital for your op. That should get a response.

I hope your op goes well and you get the all clear very soon.

I agree that young adults can be lazy, self observed and selfish. It isn’t necessarily down to you at all and is sometimes something that you have to learn as an adult rather than a child.

strawberrisc

Singling our other posters when you are not aware of all the facts is the worst kind of Mner.

I take it they know you are going into hospital today? It's still very early in the morning to phone.

I hope it all goes well for you and you have a speedy recovery. It’s still early and they still have time to contact you or even surprise you with a visit maybe ?

Prink. I hope for your sake you don’t have DCs of your own. They will have learnt from your guidance not to bother with a parent in their old age. Patterns have a habit of repeating themselves.