Where did I go so terribly wrong?

[Eclipseoftheheart]

I’m so disappointed in my adult children, I feel heartbroken tbh with you.. I don’t think I’ve been the perfect mum at all but I’ve always put my children and their needs first and loved them unconditionally.
Now that they are adults they are both entitled and extremely selfish, no doubt entirely my fault.
I’m having an op today to remove a tumour and neither of them have called me, I have obviously been a terrible mum.
I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic 😢

Posted here for traffic

I hope everything goes well for you. I am sure your children do care but like an earlier poster said, the date may just have not stuck in their heads. Just give them a ring!
My mum does this sometimes and acts like a martyr/tries to guilt trip me and my brother. She has so much more time on her hands than we do that she makes big issues out of things. It actually makes me want to spend less time with her. Just call them!
Say "I have that op today and I'm worried" and see what they say. Less of the drama and more of the facts and I bet you'll get a better response.
Good luck today.

I think some people have been a little harsh here. Im the youngest of 4, all bought up by both our parents. I would call for something like this however my brothers and sister wouldnt. We are all different characters. One of my brothers would innocently think he didnt need to/forget, the other is very self involved and entitled and would call or visit but would make sure he had a pictures of the visit to post on social media so everyone knew how 'caring' he was. My sister would call juat to tick the box as it were. I would book holiday off work to take the there/drive them home/care for them in the early days. How can 4 such different personalitys be down to the parenting? Theyre not. Its not your fault theyre as they are. Many different things impact a person to make them as they are. Do not blame yourself. I hope your procedure goes well. I know hownit feels when you hope they would call but they dont. To that, i would say its only early. Maybe wait to see if the call following the procedure before calling them? Otherwise you'll call and they'll say they were going to call later and you wont believe them and youll feel worse.

strawbisc I pointed out the multiple posting after I replied on the other post.
I think it's relevant that the OP posted twice.
There is an element of emotional manipulation in the post, and then the duplicate posting after having several responses suggests that the OP is also being overly dramatic and after attention.
Of course everyone wants attention when worried or upset, and that is fine. But this overall picture is sending me a message that maybe her children keep a distance for their own emotional and mental well being.

And as I said on my original post, I hope the op goes well, and that the DC visit or phone later.

Prink. I hope for your sake you don’t have DCs of your own. They will have learnt from your guidance not to bother with a parent in their old age. Patterns have a habit of repeating themselves.

This ^^

How did you treat your own Mum, OP?

I hope for your sake you don’t have DCs of your own. They will have learnt from your guidance not to bother with a parent in their old age. Patterns have a habit of repeating themselves. Maybe have a look at the Stately Home thread.

Are they aware of how worried you are?

My mother has been like this with me after telling me how she was fine and not to worry, then having a go when I phoned afterwards to see how she was feeling that I didn't care how worried she was. That said, she hasn't called me before one of my operations either, expecting me to be ok with a call afterwards so I've followed her behaviour. That said last time I had an operation I got it in the neck from her for not calling about how one of her check ups had gone - was somewhat hard as I'd been under general anaesthetic at the time.

You children may also be trying not to worry you before the operation too thinking that making a thing of it won't help you.

Good luck today, I hope it goes well and the results are good.

I appreciate the above may be a reflection of the anxiety you may be feeling to do with the surgery. It sounds huge. However, your words are quite dramatic, and if you have used this sort of language regularly around your children, they may have chosen to emotionally distance themselves.

^^

Couldn't have worded it as well as this. But my thoughts exactly.

There is an element of emotional manipulation in the post, and then the duplicate posting after having several responses suggests that the OP is also being overly dramatic and after attention.
Of course everyone wants attention when worried or upset, and that is fine. But this overall picture is sending me a message that maybe her children keep a distance for their own emotional and mental well being

^this. My mum is a bit of a passive aggressive martyr. She won’t be up front and straight about her feelings, she kind of expects us to all be sorry for her and will not take responsibility for her feelings. So when it comes to genuine sympathy, I struggle to give it.

I’ve taught my dcs to express their feelings clearly so I know what’s wrong and don’t have to guess. The cryptic comments and guessing drive me insane. Ironically my dh does this. Eg I’ll ask what’s wrong, he’ll huff and puff and I’ll have to ask and ask while worrying that it’s me. Now I don’t bother unless he’s clear quickly.

I agree with prink

I have a really over dramatic mother and the wishing she'd never come round is exactly what she'd say. Also calling a spade a spade which in my experience is just an excuse to say unpleasant things to people.

I'm probably projecting a bit but I defitnalry distance myself from my dm because of it

It really depends on your relationship.

My mother would post something similar to yourself. She doesn't realise that it's her manipulative behaviour that means all her DC keep her at arm's length. For something like this I probably would ring her, but would have to pysche myself up in advance for a litany of my shortcomings.

But now is not the time to address it; I hope your op goes well.

The cryptic comments and guessing drive me insane.

^My mother was like this too. Could not communicate the issue in words. Lots of looks, silent behaviour or one word answers. Until days later she got over the “hurt and upset” of my imagined slight.
My crime was usually “looking at her the wrong way,” or saying something “in the wrong tone of voice” so that I sounded “hard” and “uncaring”.

Please just talk to your kids, text them, WhatsApp. But don’t expect them to read your mind that you’re upset that the communication they have or have not provided is not up to your expectation.

Call them text them ,contact them ,tell you are scared and needing support.....I expect you did such an amazing job of parenting they think you don't need their support...show them you need them ..

I was about to write OhLook’s post. My mum was upset with me when I didn’t come and see my dad in hospital after an operation, but she had minimised his treatment so much beforehand that I genuinely thought it was hardly anything, like having a tooth out or something.

I think if you don't normally have a good relationship with straightforward easy communication it isn't going to suddenly improve in a difficult situation.

I have a good relationship with my young adult DC - (we wouldn't dream of calling a spade a spade if it led to arguments) but I wouldn't expect them to know I was worried about an an OP where you are expecting the results to be OK. I would think it was nice if they called but I wouldn't be sad if they didn't. I would however feel really comfortable phoning them for a bit of a supportive chat. If I said I was feeling nervous they would be kind and help me feel better.

How about sending a text telling them you are feeling nervous and ask them to send your some good luck. Also ask how they are and suggest you will call when you are feeling better. Nothing dramatic or too serious and nothing that will look like you are trying to make them feel guilty.

Good luck for today 🌸🌸🌸

Firstly - OP, I hope it all goes well and is nothing serious, and I'm sorry you feel alone. Try giving them a ring and saying you'd love to see them later as you're a bit worried and you could do with company?

However, like other posters have said, I see a lot of the same kind of language my mum uses in your post. If I don't want an hour's phone call every day, I'm an ungrateful selfish cold child who doesn't care if my mum is alone. When I moved a couple of hours away for work, she said she hoped she was found dead in the house (she's 54 and perfectly healthy) so then I'd see how cruel I was being my moving away. She is exhausting and I purposely avoid talking to her because she constantly reminds me that I am not the child she wanted - and anything j do that is for my own benefit and not hers (getting my hair cut short, buying a car that she perceives to be nicer than hers, not wanting to drive over and feed her cats for two weeks when I live two hours away and have a full time job) is further proof that I'm horrible. Maybe your relationship with your kids isn't like this and they are just being thoughtless - but it's early in the morning and maybe they've forgotten (I forgot my own dental surgery until 10am the day of recently), so instead of dramatically suggesting you hope you don't wake up, why not give them a call? And maybe just think a little bit about how you interact with them and the kind of language you use in future - if it's just that they're being arseholes, I'm sorry for you, but I get the sense that this tone you're using could be part of the problem.

Mmm. Calling a spade a spade.. Similarly to 'I have to say it as I see it' etc , generally an excuse to be rude and unpleasant.

What do you think your DC would say about you op?

If you can, try and imagine what an independent observer would say about you and your dcs relationship. It can be quite useful, if you can look st situation neutrally.

I can speak for your individual situation, OP, but I do remember reading a study once which found that we don’t truely appreciate our Mothers until we are 27! (a bit precise - but I guess that’s an average)
People gain emotional maturity at different ages. Perhaps your DCs are still developing it?

*can’t speak for!

I’ve found growing up some of the people with the best mums are the worst people OP. It’s those that have felt hurt and had strife are the ones who care for others/aren’t self absorbed/twats. I hope once the little horrible nasty thing is removed it’s the end of it. My heart goes out to you, and do not blame yourself. You can not control the children you have nature vs nurture - who FN knows!

chaos oh god :( god bless you x