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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where did I go so terribly wrong?

74 replies

Eclipseoftheheart · 29/10/2018 06:05

I’m so disappointed in my adult children, I feel heartbroken tbh with you.. I don’t think I’ve been the perfect mum at all but I’ve always put my children and their needs first and loved them unconditionally.
Now that they are adults they are both entitled and extremely selfish, no doubt entirely my fault.
I’m having an op today to remove a tumour and neither of them have called me, I have obviously been a terrible mum.
I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic 😢

Posted here for traffic

OP posts:

ohello · 29/10/2018 08:24

don't know what to say, except awwww you poor thing. I hope you feel better and everything works out well for you.

ohello · 29/10/2018 08:26

I did not mean that sarcastically! I just don't know what to say right now which would cheer you up.

HazelBite · 29/10/2018 08:38

I had a proceedure in May to remove a lump which necessitated a short stay in hospital, my dc's phoned up after, once I was home to make sure I was okay and wanting to know when I would get the results.
Like the Op I was fairly sure that it was benign so I saw no point in making a drama out of it , or causing them any unnecessary worry.

My adult dc's have their own extremely busy and stressful lives, but I love them all and feel confident tey feel the same, I'm sure if the shit hit the fan they would be there for me as I am for them.

Perhaps OP you are expecting too much, if the results are more serious than you are thinking, I'm sure your dc's will be there for you, calm down and good luck

KumquatQuince · 29/10/2018 08:43

So poor OP is having surgery, is worried she could have a life-threatening illness and upset that her children don’t seem to care, and all that many of you can do is pile on her with judgemental views blaming her for a situation you know little about, based on some emotive writing when she’s clearly in an emotional state. I’m glad none of you are my friends in real life.

OP I hope your surgery goes well, and I hope your children will be in touch later. Not wanting to justify their actions but they may not realise the seriousness of it. You probably need to have a bit of a chat with them, in a non-accusatory way, to find out why they’ve behaved as they have. Good luck

fudgesmummy · 29/10/2018 08:45

I totally understand where you are coming from Eclipse,
I have a very difficult relationship with my adult children and question myself all the time where I went wrong.
I’ll be thinking of you today, please let us know how the operation goes.

SEsofty · 29/10/2018 08:50

You posted at six o’clock in the morning, most people aren’t awake yet.

I get that you are worried but being over dramatic about it isn’t going to help anyone.

zingally · 29/10/2018 08:50

"entitled...extremely selfish...my fault...obviously been a terrible mum...I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic"

What others have said is valid. Have your children grown up hearing this sort of "I'm such a martyr" talk? Perhaps they feel that they've spent 20+ years trying to placate/reassure you, but you still do it, and now they're bored of trying.

Do you call them "entitled" and "extremely selfish" to their faces? I can't imagine that would encourage them to want to be around you lots.

Saying all that though... Why not just use your words and ask for what you need? Call up the child you feel might be most sympathetic and say "I'm feeling really anxious about this operation... Perhaps you could come and see me at the weekend? I'd love to see you!"

MatildaTheCat · 29/10/2018 08:57

As a parent of young adult dc -actually not that young- I have to say just get in touch yourself.

We have a good relationship but yes, they are stupidly selfish and thoughtless. If I were to message them or call and was truly distressed they’d be on it but frankly I’ve been through the mill with a lot of very heavy stuff and mostly the best I could hope for was a vague enquiry every now and again.

Pick up the phone and talk. Good luck and best wishes.

Livingloving · 29/10/2018 09:16

I think the dynamic between parents and adult children changes very gradually and if you have always been the one to look after them, they might think you are fine and don’t need a phone call to check on you.

This shift between me and my parents has only just begun and they are in their 70s/80s. They were determined to be independent and it’s only as they have recently become quite elderly and frail that they have allowed me to start doing things for them instead of the other way round. Not sure how old you and your children are but my parents would have preferred me not to ring as they wouldn’t want to worry me knowing I have got a busy life and my own commitments.

folduptheocean · 29/10/2018 14:38

There is no way of telling. I don't phone my mum because she is a poor excuse for a mum. She emotionally neglected us throughout us growing up. My MIL is a narcissist so I rarely phone/ email her anymore.

AgathaRaisinDetra · 29/10/2018 17:26

How was the op OP?

hazell42 · 29/10/2018 17:33

I'm currently being tested for a life limiting condition and my children have shown very little concern. But I know it's not because they don't love me. It's because they cannot imagine that I am really ill. And I have kept a lot of the details to myself so they wouldn't really understand anyway.
I know when you are scared it's tempting to feel abandoned, but unless there is a huge backstory I'm sure they care really. Good luck

C8H10N4O2 · 30/10/2018 04:52

Jeanne16
I hope for your sake you don’t have DCs of your own. They will have learnt from your guidance not to bother with a parent in their old age

Where do you get "old age"? The OP could have adult children and be in her early 40s or late 30s.

my DD treats me in a very similar off- handed way

Ah, speaking from experience then?

I wish anyone going in for these investigations well - it is worrying and I hope the outcome is good.

However its impossible to comment on OP DC behaviour as we don't know from the OP posts where the issues are in the relationship. They could easily be either side or shared faults.

ABitCrapper · 30/10/2018 05:25

Hope it went well

Laureline · 30/10/2018 05:54

You’re hoping you die so they will be sorry? Wow.

jeanne16 · 30/10/2018 06:19

CH8. Actually yes, I am speaking from experience. I am quite aware that I wasn’t always the best daughter to my mother. If I could turn back the clock, I would be more supportive and see her far more often.

I feel the pattern repeating itself with my DD. Although I know she loves me, she takes me for granted and does sometimes treat me in an off-handed way.

ChicagoLil · 30/10/2018 11:10

How old is you DD jeanne? If she's in her early 20s then she's finding her feet as an adult and is loosening the apron strings. Respect her decisions, motives and actions - support her, don't judge her.

PennyArcade · 30/10/2018 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwizzelsFizzers · 30/10/2018 12:12

I wouldn't want people to call or text me in this circumstances and so wouldn't dream of contacting anyone else going through similar. And yes I have been there. It isn't that I don't care.

Good luck and I hope that it goes well.

Deadringer · 30/10/2018 12:24

I think you should contact them op and tell them how you are feeling. Young adults can be very selfish it's true, but in my world you rally around family when something is wrong, even if you are not particularly close. I certainly haven't been a perfect mum, far from it, but I know that my adult dc would drop everything to be by my side in a situation like this. Call them op, tell them how you feel and give them the opportunity to step up.

DorisDances · 30/10/2018 12:43

I hope your operation goes smoothly and you have am encouraging outcome. Do you have a family what's app group? It's a really good way of keeping in touch and sharing news. Can be just day to day so that the drama isn't always dialled up. Sending hugs

AgathaRaisinDetra · 01/11/2018 09:43

Where is the OP? You don't...think....?

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 01/11/2018 10:25

Agatha what a fucking distasteful post.

AgathaRaisinDetra · 01/11/2018 11:06

What? That her children phoned her after all?

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