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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel cms

73 replies

CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 13:23

My ex pays £13 fortnightly for the children we have. I dont want anything to do with him at all, he is an absent father. I dont want the maintenance of him as its pennies anyway and just a reminder of him. Wibu to cancel it?

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 28/10/2018 13:25

Yes. It's for your children,nothing to do with you

totallyliterally · 28/10/2018 13:27

Let it go into a separate account and save up and give to the children when 16.

ElsieMc · 28/10/2018 13:32

No, dont do this. This is for the children and they have a legal right to child support. His circumstances can change and they may receive more. CMS will check annually. Whilst I agree £13 per fortnight is an insult, financial support and contact are separate issues. He doesn't have more or less right to see the children (and I note you say he is an absent father) because he pays child support.

FWIW, my gs1 was receiving £160 per month child support then his father tried to get it reduced stating he was earning 25% less and seemed stunned when CMS asked him to provide wages information. As though they would just reduce on his say so fgs.

I asked them to look into the situation and although they were slow and difficult to deal with, their fraud team found out he actually earned double in his new job. For this reason alone, keep it in place for the children.

CupoBlood · 28/10/2018 13:58

It's not your money. Put it into accounts for the children if you don't want it

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2018 14:07

Your permanent message, to yourself and your ex, is that the money is for your children. He will always owe your children a parental duty of care, including financial support. It is not for either of you to stop that.

So you could put the magnificent amount into a saving account and choose an extravagance, every 2 or 3 years, to spend it on.

But you really shouldn't deprive your kids of their father's munificence Smile

DrCoconut · 28/10/2018 14:33

I never claimed the £3 a week I could have got from DS1's father. Sometimes if they are not involved a clean break is best. I know my mental health was infinitely better for it. So I'd cancel and cut him loose if you think it is best and don't need the money. If it was hundreds of pounds that would form a house deposit or pay for uni there might have been an argument for sucking it up for the kids sake but otherwise your child's need for a well and strong mum outweighs their need for a non life changing sum of cash.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 14:33

Its £13 so its hardly depriving them! he will never work, he hasnt in years. I just dont want anything from him anymore as it feels like he still has a hold if that makes sense?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2018 14:38

Mmm! Does he not see them, have any form of contact with them at all?

I know CMS and contact are separate, but if he see them then he pays. If he doesn't see them at all then I would fully understand you wanting a perfectly clean break.

LostInShoebiz · 28/10/2018 14:39

It’s still almost £700 per year. That’s a nice nest egg for uni, first car a dream holiday.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 28/10/2018 14:40

I wouldn’t save exactly £13 as then it may seem to the children that ‘dad’ gave them a few quid when they turned 18.

If you really don’t want the money (and don’t need it) donate it to a charity he would disapprove of but you support! Better than him keeping it.

However I’d round it up and save it so it’s not his money being saved, iyswim!

PutItAwayDear · 28/10/2018 14:45

I used to get a whole £2.50 a week for my older child, because her father claimed benefits.

Then I found out that his wealthy parents were paying it for him. For context they own three houses, one of which they let him live in rent free, and have 5 vehicles including 2 classic cars. They're fucking loaded.

So I had the claim closed. I wasn't letting them have the satisfaction of feeling like they were Doing The Right Thing and gloating about how good they are to me. Fuckers the lot of them.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 14:46

No he has no contact and hasnt in a couple of years now. he probably finds it hilarious that he only pays £7 a week, its just over £1 per child. so i would rather tell him to stick it, hmm.

OP posts:
planetclom · 28/10/2018 14:49

And that is what he wants for you to stop collecting it if you stop he has won in his mind and for that reason alone I would continue to collect it.

Powerless · 28/10/2018 14:50

You cannot cancel it, believe it or not......

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 14:51

no i dont think he thinks that, i think he feels winning is paying £7 a week. its an insult.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 14:52

you can cancel, ive done it before.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/10/2018 14:53

I'd leave it as it could go up on the future just stick it on a savings account for the DC!

Brainfogmcfogface · 28/10/2018 14:53

As others have said, it’s really not your money, it’s the children’s, and if I were you i’d Set up a savings account if you don’t need the money and put it in there until they are old enough.. FWIW £13 a week from my ex would be a godsend right now, I get nothing and am horribly poor (like food bank using poor) and CMS are useless, so I understand the annoyance of having to use them, but it’s the kids money, keep it going for them.

Coconutspongexo · 28/10/2018 14:54

I’d continue to take the money and just give it to the children on their 18th or whatever, they don’t even need to know it’s from him.

Original poster
CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 14:54

its not £13 a week its £13 a fortnight.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 28/10/2018 14:54

Just use it for treats for the kid. Put it in an account and let it build up for school stuff each year.

Pissedoffdotcom · 28/10/2018 14:59

I cancelled mine. Was £1.67 a week. But him paying it meant that even with 2 years of no contact he could claim he gave a damn because he was paying. Even tho he was forced to pay. Now if he ever took us to court he would have a harder job.

This was on advice from a solicitor too

AJPTaylor · 28/10/2018 15:02

The man is clearly an arsehole.
Don't cancel. Not sure how old the kids are but even 160 quid a year saved for say 5 years will give them some driving lessons or the deposit for uni accommodation.
I wouldn't tell them it's his money though.twat.

Starlight345 · 28/10/2018 15:05

I am in a very similar position to you . Nc, £7 per week and not worked in 10 years so really not holding my breath he will.

I did think about it when changed over to cms if it was worth it.

My reason I decided to proceed are firstly it is a reminder to him he has a dc he has abandoned.
Secondly I do know he is alive and would want my dc to know .

I simply put the money in the pot.

The people who say it isn’t your money . Yes it is . That is the legal minimum he should pay towards his child for you to spend it as you see fit. But it doesn’t even pay dinner money at school so barely noticeable.

I wouldn’t save it as a nest egg . Look how much daddy contributed. My Ds doesn’t know about cms he would think £7 a week was a great amount where it’s a pittance

LilMy33 · 28/10/2018 15:07

I understand how you feel but honestly I think YABU. It’s child support for your children it’s not ‘your’ money to reject. I didn’t want to claim anything from my abusive ex but figured why should my children lose out? Why should he get away with avoiding financial responsibility for them?