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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel cms

73 replies

CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 13:23

My ex pays £13 fortnightly for the children we have. I dont want anything to do with him at all, he is an absent father. I dont want the maintenance of him as its pennies anyway and just a reminder of him. Wibu to cancel it?

OP posts:

OrangeOrBlackcurrant · 28/10/2018 16:31

Danger I disagree. I bring up my sons to know they can't shirk their responsibility and that if they try to then the law will do its utmost to make them pay, however begrudgingly.
Re op saying you don't care whether your ex lives or dies. That's easy to say until you have to tell you dc that their parent has died, no matter how useless they were.

DangerMouse17 · 28/10/2018 16:38

That's great orange and I teach my ds the same. However, I can't make his "dad" change and develop the same mentality and moral compass though. He therefore deserves zero recognition and if he does not want to pay ot be part of his child's life that's on him. My ds won't be getting a secret nest egg from dad when he's 18 or whatever because quite frankly he doesn't even deserve to have input at this point!

DangerMouse17 · 28/10/2018 16:38

There is also no law to make people pay....

ExFury · 28/10/2018 16:42

Don’t save it as a gesture from him. It’s a saving from you if you do that. His £13 is instantly eaten up by food/heat/electric etc.

If you save it then it’s a saving you made for them.

Graphista · 28/10/2018 16:43

How old are the DC?

I say don't cancel and honestly I'm finding it a bit grating you keep saying its "only" £13.

You don't actually know what the future holds there may come a time where you DO need that "only £13" or will be very grateful for having saved it somewhere.

It's a case of cutting off your nose I feel. Plus as pps said its not really your money as such it's for the DC which is why I asked how old they are, they get a say at a certain age I feel.

Over the years that "only £13" could add up to quite a lot!

ExFury · 28/10/2018 16:44

There are laws, and measures that can be taken, to ensure people pay available. There’s just no social outrage that encourages or forces the authorities to take the neglect of not paying seriously.

wherethewildrosesgrow · 28/10/2018 16:44

Buy some premium bonds or lottery tickets with it or something, give it to charity ??

OrangeOrBlackcurrant · 28/10/2018 16:44

danger I mean that if the cms can,then they will take maintenance at source. I accept the derisory £15 eow for my 2 children and I put it away for them. Sometimes I need to use it but I try to save it where possible. I dont see it as ex's money. I see it as money for DC and me.

OrangeOrBlackcurrant · 28/10/2018 16:46

Exfury thats exactly how I see it. Any money I save, whether from maintenance, child benefit, wages, is money I have saved.

Nacreous · 28/10/2018 16:53

So, if you assume you'll get £13, 26x a year for 15 years, that's 5k. Ignore the lot for now, siphon it straight into an ISA or regular saver. you could even change the account it comes into so you never see it. Decide not to worry about the interest and then just never look at it. It should then be enough for driving lessons for each of the 4 (£1200).

Yes, it's a very tiny amount. But that much money in one go could be useful to your kids, so I'd really consider letting it build up without thinking about it.

Nacreous · 28/10/2018 16:54

But yes I wouldn't then be saying it was from him, if you saved it like that! I'd just present it as the product of your hard work (which it would be, as you'd then have to save that cash from elsewhere in your budget to make it up!)

Allthewaves · 28/10/2018 17:03

Op set up separate account and get it to go into that. Out of sight out of mind

Original poster

CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 18:24

its is only £13 though its pennies after some of the amounts i see people get on here it really is pathetic. he wont work i know that, the putting it into another account and saving it seems like the best idea so atleast its forgotten about and i dont keep seeing it coming into my account.

OP posts:

Coconutspongexo · 28/10/2018 18:47

But £13 is also more than what some people get too

Original poster

CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 19:00

so i should be grateful?

OP posts:

Coconutspongexo · 28/10/2018 19:05

That’s not what I’m saying but if you’re going to compare compare both ways :s

Noboozeforme · 28/10/2018 19:20

Cancel it. I did.

The CSA decided my ex should be giving us £100 a month. He pays himself in dividends to get round paying and frankly £100 is an insult.
My DC don't miss out on anything because of it.

OrangeOrBlackcurrant · 28/10/2018 19:22

It isn't about being grateful. It is about your ds getting what they are owed and teaching them that actions have consequences and they have to pay even if it is a derisory amount.

OrangeOrBlackcurrant · 28/10/2018 19:24

nobooze you turned down £100 a month that could have been set aside for your dc when they became adults?

Noboozeforme · 28/10/2018 19:42

Orange. Yes.

dancingdirty · 28/10/2018 19:45

My ex has a nil assessment. Apparently earns less that 7 quid a week. No benefits...
Not sure how he manages to pay for his house and three cars and the holiday he has just got back from...
Take what you can. Yes it's an insult but better than fuck all

Original poster

CandyCreeper · 28/10/2018 21:15

My ex was like that for a few years, not working or claiming benefits apparently, its why i cancelled it the first time. I thought about it and it took 4 months before i even got a payment so i will begrudgingly stick with it and just put it into another account!

OP posts:

eloliphant · 30/10/2018 15:21

£26 a month would help me out^^ massively. I'd make a separate account and save it for them. as a PP said then your kids learn that you can't shirk responsibility.

You clearly want to cancel it and won't accept that YABU despite posting in here, so cancel it. That's £312 a year you could be saving for your children towards a car/driving lessons/ deposit on a flat etc.

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