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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want CCTV camera in my living room?

99 replies

feebeedeebeedoo · 27/10/2018 14:54

As the title really....

We've always had a video baby monitor in our DDs room (she's now almost 3) but my DP has also put one in the living room. I'm really uncomfortable with that as I know he's checking the camera when he's out. Says it's because he likes to watch DD playing but I think he's just spying on me tbh.

My DB is living with us at the moment and he won't sit in the living room because of it. My DM is visiting and she doesn't like it either. I have to constantly watch what I say when I'm the living room in case he's watching.

He's just gone out so I switched the camera off. He phoned within 10 minutes to ask if the internet had gone down as he was unable to view the camera.

FML

OP posts:

Original poster

feebeedeebeedoo · 28/10/2018 17:04

I wish it were as simple as just telling him I don't want it on as some have suggested. He's paying for everything so he'll do what he wants was pretty much the response I got the last time I spoke to him about it.

OP posts:

Furgggggg12 · 28/10/2018 17:39

Sounds like you've hit your last straw.

Mine was when I wasn't allowed to sit on my own sofa, because he said I messed it up. I saw red over THIS after many many years of emotional abuse. I ended up apologising to him, then finally saw reality and got him out.

4 years later DS and I have very happy life.

You can do this. Go see someone you trust tomorrow.

GunpowderGelatine · 28/10/2018 17:49

When you say "he's paying" - don't you have any access or control to money?

Marketbarga1n1 · 28/10/2018 17:50

Contact women's aid or social services and make plans to leave. This is NOT normal behaviour. It doesn't matter if he is paying, everyone is entitled to freedom. Do you go out of the house to shops, library, children's clubs, walk in the park, out to meet friends ? You need to get a job, he pays child maintenance and separate. This is financial, and big brother style surveillance. Tell him to turn it off or you will leave ! You are not his slave

Km06 · 28/10/2018 17:52

[email protected] if u cant speak try email i hope your ok its not an easy situation but realising its wrong is the 1st step

gottastopeatingchocolate · 28/10/2018 20:17

What would happen if you disabled the camera and ignored his call? It's a genuine question.

Lavende · 28/10/2018 20:20

He’s paying for everything so he’ll do what he wants, including spying on his partner’s every move while he’s away from home and watching so intently that he knows when it’s been switched off?

Fuck. That.

Handsoffmysweets · 28/10/2018 20:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

seven201 · 28/10/2018 20:45

Be strong and get a plan together for moving out ASAP. This is no way to live. You are worth more than this.

lily2403 · 28/10/2018 21:39

That would be a big fat f@#k off from me...sounds controlling and creepy

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/10/2018 21:44

I cannot believe the number of women who say they can’t leave as they have no money . The benefits system in this country is to help people like you . Women’s Aid is to help people like you. CABs are to help people like you . You do not have to put up with this shit.

Amallamard · 28/10/2018 21:46

Time to get your ducks in a row. Meanwhile turn it off every time he goes out (unless you are worried he could turn violent), or just don't go in that room.

DamsonGin · 28/10/2018 22:23

Might he be monitoring other things such as your phone, where you go and what you type?

Miscible · 29/10/2018 07:17

He's paying for everything so he'll do what he wants was pretty much the response I got the last time I spoke to him about it

And he's getting a free housekeeper, cook and childminder whilst you're at home. Paying household bills doesn't give him the right to monitor you. Most importantly, if he's not in the house you get to do pretty much what you want in terms of turning the camera off.

But do contact Women's Aid today to find out about help with getting out of there.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 29/10/2018 07:32

My friend has one of these for the dogs (she lives alone so isn't spying on anyone or being spied on)
I went to look after them for a few nights and she gave me the log in etc so I could check up on them through out the day and showed me how to switch it off when I was in. Fine.

Then I went back to look after them abojt a year later and the camera had gone! Now I don't know if she had gotten rid of it or just moved it, but not knowing freaked me out so much! I wasn't doing anything bad but I still hated the idea that I might be being watched. I asked her afterwards and she took me upstairs and showed me it, in a pile of unplugged cables in a drawer. Turns out she had a new fella who hated it so she had taken it down and forgotten to tell me.

Yanbu op, it's a horrible invasion, you don't know when he's watching you, it is creepy af!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/10/2018 07:35

Stick a Post-It note over the lens with "Do some work instead of being a weirdo" written on the camera facing side.

Not normal at all.

Unicyclethief · 29/10/2018 07:39

How has this only just become an issue THREE YEARS on? I would have turned the camera off on day one. Don’t allow this, why would you?

PersonaNonGarter · 29/10/2018 07:42

Good luck, OP. You know what you have to do.

Youvegotafriendinme · 29/10/2018 07:44

My NDN has a camera in every single room in their house, including the bathroom! When we feed their cats while they are away, it’s the weirdest feeling knowing your being watched.
I would hate having one in my living room. It doesn’t need to be on while your home.

Ansumpasty · 29/10/2018 07:45

Oh my goodness, that’s not normal. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Even prisoners don’t get watched all the time! You need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down and say you refuse to have a camera in your own living room!

DamsonGin · 29/10/2018 07:53

Another question, is it definitely 'just' the two rooms he's watching?

drinkygin · 29/10/2018 08:50

WOW. This is beyond fucked up. OP, leave. leave now. You’ll get benefits, you’ll get help with housing...it’ll be shit for a while but better than living in the prison you’re in at the moment. You can’t allow your daughter to grow up believing this behaviour is normal.

FuckKnuckle · 29/10/2018 09:08

Oh, OP, I feel so sorry for you - that must be horrible. We have several CCTV cameras in the garden to watch our resident wildlife, and shortly after he installed them I found myself getting messages from DH while he was at work saying, "Where were you off to in the car then?" or "Pleased to see you weeding the brassicas!" That was bad enough - I told him I didn't like it and he stopped it pronto.

There is some excellent advice on this thread. Please start working on getting somewhere safe with your DD - none of it is your fault, and you deserve a better, happier life than this.

CantWaitToRetire · 29/10/2018 09:22

@FuckKnuckle my husband does the same. We have three external cameras - one out back, one at side of the house, and one at the front. My "D"H is always commenting about the position of the cars and such. It annoys me to hell that he looks at the cameras when he knows I'm home. I've told him not to, but I know he still does it. Occasionally I'll turn them off at the switch just to annoy him. You shouldn't assume your OH has stopped, just because he says he has.

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