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Original poster

Snooping gone too far?

59 replies

chocolatebox1 · 27/10/2018 14:23

I saw a thread relating to phone snooping and it made me want to ask about peoples experiences of partners going through their stuff and when enough is enough.

I just want to say I believe phone snooping is wrong but I know a lot of people do it and if someone has a very good reason to think someone is cheating then I can understand why they would feel compelled to try to find evidence.

I think this is excessive though and would like to put some examples and hear other people's feedback and their own experiences;

  • going through all the photos on my computer when I'm out, dating back years - grilling me on who people (men) in the photos are.
  • accusing me of hiding the fact that a variety of these men are ex boyfriends that I hadn't told him about (none were)
  • went though iPhoto (I didn't know my phone photos had all gone into it as I use normal files to store them in) and found a photo of my ex on holiday from a few months before we'd got together. Accused me of "lying by omission" because I hadn't told him I'd been on holiday with my ex before we got together
  • went through my paperwork extensively to find a copy of my very old decree absolute to get ExH's full name so he could contact him on Facebook asking for dirt on me
  • frequent phone snooping when I was in the shower (open apps all in the wrong order, was visibly disturbed when I'd changed the passcode then immediately gone in the shower to see what the reaction would be)
  • correspondence and paperwork (especially medical) moved around
  • diary had been looked at (I was suspicious and had placed it in such a way that I could measure to be sure I wasn't being paranoid and it had moved)
OP posts:
placebobebo · 27/10/2018 15:03

There are so many red flags and sirens screeching here.
It's all excessive and controlling and emotionally abusive.

It suggests a partner who has no trust in the relationship and has replaced any love with paranoia.
It speaks of a person who will curtail their life and personality either to allay their partners fears or just for a little less ear ache.
It will get worse as your partner will just believe you've become a better liar OP and will drive themselves and you to despair trying to catch you out.
It will destroy the relationship unfortunately.
My own experiences, My DH even passes me my handbag to get something out of as he won't invade my privacy. Any letters addressed to me are placed on my desk unopened. My PC is cleaned out and upgraded every so often as he is also a PC engineer but the files remain unopened and only moved for ease of access, or trash deleted. He set up fingerprint ID on my phone so only I could access it.

PJBanana · 27/10/2018 15:09

Please leave him, OP.

Snooping is so wrong, maybe except in very exceptional circumstances where you already have evidence of something being wrong.

All of your examples are extremely controlling. It isn’t remotely ok, please leave this person. Things will not improve.

nonevernotever · 27/10/2018 15:36

Ltb this will only get worse. Asked dh his opinion and he was advising to get rid after your first example

Thehop · 27/10/2018 15:47

Please leave ASAP before you feel you can’t

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/10/2018 15:52

Please leave ASAP before you feel you can’t

This with endless bells, whistles and sirens on.

Easilyflattered · 27/10/2018 15:57

Agree with others, this is excessive snooping and controlling behaviour.

I'd be off.

Crunchymum · 27/10/2018 16:01

Each and every example you have given is unacceptable.

Are you saying your current partner has done all of these things OP? Shock

ClaryFray · 27/10/2018 16:45

My current DP has gone through my Internet history on my tablet and my phone both while I was asleep.

It's pretty normal imo.

MulticolourMophead · 27/10/2018 16:51

No, it's not normal at all. I would leave anyone who tried snooping on me.

Then again, Ex was a dinosaur regarding IT, and I had passwords, etc that he could never break.

Hadenoughofallthis · 27/10/2018 16:52

ClaryFray, Have you read the OP's list? It's far worse than that.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/10/2018 16:58

Leave him. Do not put up with that. There's no point continuing in a relationship where the other person is so insecure and controlling that they go out of their way to find fault with you.

motortroll · 27/10/2018 17:07

I have full access to my husbands phone and he to mine (if he can remember the passcode). For no reason other than we just can use it if we like. I often use his if I'm off for a run and realise battery is low or if I'm getting up and want to know the forecast. I can access everything on his phone and regularly use his MacBook. He uses my laptop too.

There's no snooping we just have our lives and we live them fairly and honestly and trust each other.

I'm not saying this to brag about how honest we are And I don't think everyone should be the same but my example is definitely how a healthy relationship looks. We just don't think about that kind of privacy. I could but wouldn't go into his messages .....too boring! And he wouldn't go into mine cos he knows I bitch about him to my girlfriends!

motortroll · 27/10/2018 17:08

Sorry also meant to say the examples you gave are definitely over the top and controlling.

Seniorschoolmum · 27/10/2018 17:23

Any of these, I’d have ended the relationship immediately.

Your past relationships have nothing to do with your partner and his interference is unforgivable.

Seniorschoolmum · 27/10/2018 17:24

ClaryFray, that is not normal IMO. Or acceptable behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2018 17:30

NONE of this is OK. not one bit.

humblesims · 27/10/2018 17:37

I think you know that all of the above are unacceptable. Would he be OK with you doing that to his personal stuff? Dont think so.

Km06 · 27/10/2018 17:44

It wouldnt bother me if my hubby went through my phone he knows all my passwords we just dont what your going through is not snooping he sounds more like a bunny boiler

Beansonapost · 27/10/2018 17:48

Yeah...

Just leave.

LotsToThinkOf · 27/10/2018 17:56

That's not snooping, it's abuse.

Original poster
chocolatebox1 · 27/10/2018 21:34

I do understand it's a problem, the one bit I just can't fathom and I wondered if anyone can is how I'd have "lied by omission" by not telling him I went on a holiday with the guy I was with previously, before we got together. It's the fact I didn't tell him I went on holiday with the ex he has a problem with and I really don't get it!

OP posts:
motortroll · 27/10/2018 21:37

Stop trying to "get it" there's nothing to understand about this behaviour. It's completely unreasonable. Stop trying to find reasons for it. The reasons are that he's a controlling arse.

AutumnGrace · 27/10/2018 21:40

Leave him! He is controlling and probably thinks he is entitled to invade your privacy to this degree as that's what narcissists do.

He doesn't trust or respect you. Start planning your escape!

Olderbyaminute · 27/10/2018 21:40

WHAT THE HELL? “Lying by omission” WHAT the FUCK? Paranoid psychopath

Lana1234 · 27/10/2018 21:42

OP Confused if you can then leave, please. You know this isn’t normal behaviour, as above said stop trying to get it because it just isn’t justifiable.

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