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Original poster

Snooping gone too far?

59 replies

chocolatebox1 · 27/10/2018 14:23

I saw a thread relating to phone snooping and it made me want to ask about peoples experiences of partners going through their stuff and when enough is enough.

I just want to say I believe phone snooping is wrong but I know a lot of people do it and if someone has a very good reason to think someone is cheating then I can understand why they would feel compelled to try to find evidence.

I think this is excessive though and would like to put some examples and hear other people's feedback and their own experiences;

  • going through all the photos on my computer when I'm out, dating back years - grilling me on who people (men) in the photos are.
  • accusing me of hiding the fact that a variety of these men are ex boyfriends that I hadn't told him about (none were)
  • went though iPhoto (I didn't know my phone photos had all gone into it as I use normal files to store them in) and found a photo of my ex on holiday from a few months before we'd got together. Accused me of "lying by omission" because I hadn't told him I'd been on holiday with my ex before we got together
  • went through my paperwork extensively to find a copy of my very old decree absolute to get ExH's full name so he could contact him on Facebook asking for dirt on me
  • frequent phone snooping when I was in the shower (open apps all in the wrong order, was visibly disturbed when I'd changed the passcode then immediately gone in the shower to see what the reaction would be)
  • correspondence and paperwork (especially medical) moved around
  • diary had been looked at (I was suspicious and had placed it in such a way that I could measure to be sure I wasn't being paranoid and it had moved)
OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 27/10/2018 21:51

Don't try to 'get it' or understand it. If you do, you'll start trying to make excuses for it, where there are none..

Its abusive, coercive and controlling. It will get worse if you stay.

Get him out of your life ASAP.

chipsandgin · 27/10/2018 22:06

Please don’t try & ‘get it’, you won’t - because it is weird, nasty, abusive, paranoid, ugly jealousy & it is controlling behaviour with no boundaries (or rather that’s what you need to ‘get’!).

He’s normalised it you’re looking for the magic key to fix it - there isn’t one. Please leave, nobody deserves to be stuck with an asshat like that..

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2018 00:24

I went on a holiday with the guy I was with previously, before we got together.

That's none of his business. Zero. Isn't his business and he doesn't own you. He thinks he should control your past as well as present. Please leave otherwise he gets your future.

Obviouslynotobvious · 28/10/2018 00:28

After my ex cheated I did many of the things on your list before realising how I'd be better of leaving. Unless you have cheated and have not supported your partner to work on trust again then I think his behaviours are at best very worrying and indicative of major boundary issues.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2018 00:30

He needs to join your list of ex's OP

AviatorShades · 28/10/2018 00:31

My experience of this?
Zero,zilch,nada,none.
Sorry OP, but I think you've got real trouble here but it's fixable.
Leave him asap. For your future, leave him,please, is my advice.Sad

Sethis · 28/10/2018 00:35

Sounds fricking nuts to me. With clogs on.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 28/10/2018 00:52

the one bit I just can't fathom

None of this is 'fathomable'! It's all worrying behaviour. Don't try to 'fathom' any of it, it's the route to minimising and excusing abusive behaviour.

Harriedharriet · 28/10/2018 00:54

You don't get it because there is nothing to get....

BakedBeans47 · 28/10/2018 00:56

*My current DP has gone through my Internet history on my tablet and my phone both while I was asleep.

It's pretty normal imo.*

No it isn’t. I’d go insane if my husband did this. I don’t do it to him either.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/10/2018 01:04

Leave him now.

Looking through photos is normal, I’d do it & I wouldn’t mind a partner doing it, except he might find photos he’d rather not see. Asking who people are is normal. QUESTIONING who they are is not. Accusing you of random shit is not.

Were you deliberately hiding having been on holiday with your ex, or just not thought to tell him?

Anyway, get out, he’s MASSIVELY controlling and this will get FAR worse. Truly.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 28/10/2018 01:06

OP Just to clarify - are you genuinely asking if the list of things in your OP are 'Snooping gone too far'? Is that actually a question you're asking?

Apologies if I'm being thick but just double checking you're asking what I think you're asking - double checking as it seems so so ludicrous that anyone would ask that, but equally can see if someone was genuinely in that situation then maybe they'd have lost sight of what 'normal' (and by extension, very very ABnormal) looked like.

Flowers
Original poster
chocolatebox1 · 28/10/2018 01:10

Thank you to everyone for commenting. I just wanted to add in case anyone had thought otherwise - I have never cheated on/behaved or communicated inappropriately with anyone. If I had, I could totally see why this had happened.
There was one other thing which was very strange and I forgot to mention. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me he wasn't comfortable with either of us being friends with ex's. I said it didn't matter because I hadn't stayed friends with any. He then said it wasn't ok to be friends with ex's friends either. I wasn't happy about this as I was mates with a girl who was the sister of my ex's friend, but I agreed to stop talking to her to placate him. What really upset me was when we went on holiday, he said he knew some people in the city we were visiting and wanted to see them. From the garbled explanation of who they were, I suspected they were his ex's friends. A quick facebook check revealed they were his ex's lifelong best friend and her boyfriend. After everything he'd said and the ground rules that he'd created, it felt like a kick in the stomach. He continued to lie about who they were when I asked. I told him I just didn't feel comfortable going out to see them given the entire context and the fact he'd just lied to my face. He stormed out and went to see them anyway and came back drunk ages later and got angry because I was visibly still upset. I was very shaken by the whole thing and to cut a long story short, for some reason it was all my fault and I was in the wrong. I don't even know why.

OP posts:
Obviouslynotobvious · 28/10/2018 01:17

OP in that case I think someone has hurt this man very badly and deeply and he's so damaged by it, he can't help but behave this way (controlling you, monitoring you) and wont stop without therapy. You need to leave him or accept without therapy this will not change.

I assume someone important to him left at some point in his early life and he's terrified you (and all previous ex's) will leave him too. Control is very often a manifestation of fear.

gamerchick · 28/10/2018 01:25

My current DP has gone through my Internet history on my tablet and my phone both while I was asleep

It's pretty normal imo

On what fucking planet is that normal? Hmm it isn't normal, its run for the hills territory.

OP, your bloke is a cock. If you stay with him then either suck it up, or tell him to fuck off with shit that's none of his busines.

Lying by omission indeed!

wafflyversatile · 28/10/2018 01:32

His problem is not that you 'lied by ommission' his problem is he's a possessive controlling hypocritical arsehole who deserves to be dumped by you right now.

Please give him what he deserves.

Snooping on someone's phone because, after years of no snooping at all, your spidey senses tell you something isn't right is not at all the same thing.

DPotter · 28/10/2018 01:39

I think it is totally unacceptable to insist another person not to be friends with anyone. There may be a few, a few instances, when this could be an understandable request, on the grounds of never say never, but as a general rule it is not appropriate and is a signal to high tail it out of wherever you are.

Just so we're clear it is not normal for partners, spouses, friends to snoop through photos, texts, emails, paperwork etc. What happened with previous partners etc, happened and it's really none of a new boy/ girlfriend's business.

Chocolate - your partner is behaving inappropriately. The reason why he does so doesn't matter - it's wrong and that's all there is to it. It's abusive and you need to protect yourself. Time to leave.

notangelinajolie · 28/10/2018 01:53

I'm actually scared for you. Sounds like he has some serious mental health disorder going on there. You need to get the hell away from him like now..

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2018 01:09

It's not normal, none of it is normal. If your partner feels they cannot trust you then there is something wrong.

Agree with motortroll
"Stop trying to "get it" there's nothing to understand about this behaviour. It's completely unreasonable. Stop trying to find reasons for it. The reasons are that he's a controlling arse."

With bells on. Because you do not owe him your life history or anything else. You really do not.

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2018 01:16

"and to cut a long story short, for some reason it was all my fault and I was in the wrong. I don't even know why."

because he is a major dike. You just need to read that post back.

"There was one other thing which was very strange ...I wasn't happy about this as I was mates with a girl who was the sister of my ex's friend, but I agreed to stop talking to her to placate him. What really upset me was when we went on holiday, ...After everything he'd said and the ground rules that he'd created, it felt like a kick in the stomach. He continued to lie about who they were when I asked. I told him I just didn't feel comfortable going out to see them given the entire context and the fact he'd just lied to my face. He stormed out and went to see them anyway and came back drunk ages later and got angry because I was visibly still upset. I was very shaken by the whole thing and to cut a long story short, for some reason it was all my fault and I was in the wrong. I don't even know why.

Anger, unreasonable rules, gaslighting, you in the wrong, it's all wrong.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2018 01:19

Do you live together? Please make sure you are safe.

Please hide this thread from him, and decide what to do. Take advice from Women's aid or similar.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

ohello · 28/10/2018 01:20

There's a huge different between seeing something that raises one's suspicions and then looking for confirmation, and just general abusive control freakery. This is the second. Leave.

Yea, there's nothing for you "to understand" here. He's an abuser. Go.

ohello · 28/10/2018 01:22

ask MN to delete the thread. He won't be able to read it if it no longer exists.

Havalina · 28/10/2018 01:42

With my (sort of ex) I never snooped or looked...until I did, what I found blew our relationship up. It was never the same after that. We went through a period where I was looking all the time, I got too stressed out and asked him to change passwords. He then apparently went straight back to the same behaviour Sad

We are now friends I suppose, I still know all of his passwords, I have a key to his house, I don't look or snoop now tho, because I don't care.

When we went through that period of me checking up on him all the time It was awful. If he's doing that to you, it will be harmful for both of you, it's no way to live.

Original poster
chocolatebox1 · 28/10/2018 01:49

Thank you for your advice everybody. I'm starting to see that none of it really makes any sense and it's not me who has done anything wrong

Please don't worry re the comment about him seeing this - I'm at my sister's house and he doesn't have access to any of my gadgets

OP posts:
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