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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DH masturbating?

53 replies

sadembarrassedmummy · 27/10/2018 13:55

MN regular, NC for this.

I'm 8 months pregnant and DH has gone completely off sex. He won't talk about it but I can tell he's not comfortable with the bump (and perhaps finds me less attractive but won't admit it?) as whenever I go for more than a cuddle he bats me away, which is bloody humiliating. Whilst he says he's still attracted to me, I can tell he's not as he's not had any interest in sex for weeks.

I've been round to the shops this morning to get some bits sorted for the baby and come home a few hours later. He'd changed his pyjamas but not showered (or done any of the washing up or any other cleaning that needed to be done!) When I went to fetch the laundry hamper I could see that he'd taken off the other pyjamas and his boxers were still inside and damp with semen so obviously he'd had a wank whilst I was away.

I can't bring myself to mention it to him as I'm sure he'd be ashamed but is this pregnancy hormones or AIBU to be upset? I'm practically shaking, with sadness and embarrassment. Not only is he unattracted to me but I was out for hours getting things sorted whilst he's home having a wank and a lazy morning. AIBU to think that's just not on?

OP posts:

5Makes9 · 27/10/2018 13:57

I don’t think it’s the masturbating that’s upsetting you particularly - I think it’s what you perceive to be his lack of attraction towards you and the lack of communication.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/10/2018 13:59

I think masturbation is very separate to sex, and is something everyone is allowed to do in private as they want.

I think the issue is the way he is acting towards you, which you absolutely should bring up.

EdWinchester · 27/10/2018 14:00

Are you serious?

Guess what? Men wank. So do women. Why on earth would he be ashamed?

Some blokes feel uncomfortable having sex late in pregnancy. It's no big deal.

Hengine · 27/10/2018 14:00

If he doesn’t want see he doesn’t have to have it.
If he wants to masturbate in private then that’s up to him.
Being lazy with the chores is a seperate issue which should be discussed

LiterallyNoMore · 27/10/2018 14:00

YANBU
He sounds like a lazy git tbh
Wanking is the least of the problems although I can understand why you feel the way you do as he’s rejected you then acted like a lazy teenager

skippy67 · 27/10/2018 14:02

YABU to be upset about him wanking. it's (literally) nothing to do with you.

PlinkPlink · 27/10/2018 14:08

YANBU to be upset about him waking into his boxers. Get a tissue ffs 😂😂

YABU about his general waking, I'm afraid. Totally normal. Everyone does it. I do agree though that he needs to be a bit more sensitive about batting you away -that's the real issue here.

My DP felt a bit weird with the bump but he soon got over it 😂😂 maybe yours could too, you just need to have a very open and honest talk where feelings are not dismissed. They are accepted and then you can try something different.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 14:09

He had a lazy morning and a wank? Yabu.

If he is lazy all the time and does no housework, you have a point.

If he is showing no affection, you have a point being upset about that. Though it's not uncommon for men or women to not want to have sex in the later stages of pregnancy.

If he wants a wank, you don't have a point and you have no right to dictate that.

anitagreen · 27/10/2018 14:10

It's normal to have a wank. When I was heavily pregnant I went of sex I just couldn't be arsed the bump was in the way it wouldn't work any other position it was just shit. But I think the issue is here your more upset subconsciously about feeling unwanted not that he had a wank.
And Some men feel like they might hurt the baby if they have sex being that much bigger bump wise, ino it used to freak out my DH.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 14:15

It's completely normal to masturbate and if you start trying to control that or take issue with it in a partner then you've gone too far by a mile.

I also have no clue why uou think he would be ashamed and why you feel embarrassed and sad.

You need to seperately sex and masturbation. And you'd have to assume even when you were sexually active he was still masturbating

And yes he may not find you as physically attractive so heavily pregnant, he could be concerned about the baby or whatever, some men are.

Nothisispatrick · 27/10/2018 14:16

DP and I both went off sex during my pregnancy. I was bloody uncomfortable and no libido , DP didn't like the idea of his penis going anywhere near the baby and was scared he’d feel her move during. We both still masturbated though.

I’m now 4 weeks post partum and we’re both gagging for it, but waiting till my stupid bleeding stops and stitches are fully healed.

Original poster

sadembarrassedmummy · 27/10/2018 14:18

Thank you. I should add generally I'm fine with wanking, do it meself of course and feel it's a healthy part of sex/relationships. Reckon perhaps I'm more frustrated and sad that he'd jumped away when I tried to cuddle this morning then lazed about wanking whilst I was out in the cold taking care of things for the house and the baby.

To be fair, he's generally good about things around the house, and he's done most of the work as I've gotten more pregnant. I just felt so disappointed this morning as though he was just waiting for me to go so he could get a wank in

I reckon a fair number of you feel IABU so any suggestions for how to talk to him about this? I've asked him somewhat directly whether he's attracted to me and still interested in sex, and he says he is but obviously his actions send a different message. We generally communicate quite well but he does get a bit embarrassed talking about sex. I reckon he doesn't want to hurt my feelings but it'd be so much better if he'd just say he was scared of hurting the baby or something. Or ask me to help so we can still have some intimate time together before the baby comes.

OP posts:

Jagblue · 27/10/2018 14:20

My husband couldn't do it at all. The difference is that he told me he had a problem with it. It had nothing to do with love or less attraction. He said he felt it was almost disrespectful to the baby and made him feel like he was doing something wrong.
Even after the birth he wasn't that keen. It was nearly 4 months till we didn't again.
We've been together 29 years so no harm was done.
I was very patient even when I really wanted him.
Don't take it personal talk to him if you can and be honest. You can grow as a couple.

OhComeOnRon · 27/10/2018 14:20

I'm 6 months pregnant and the last thing on my mind is having sex.
Me and DH actually had a conversation about it a couple of times- cos I asked if he was bothered and he said he was thinking about me and how it's probably not what I want at the moment so he hasn't tried and is perfectly capable of sorting himself out whilst I'm not wanting it.
You need to be able to talk about it.
DH is also a little freaked by bump and baby moving and was the same last time I was pregnant.

Nicknacky · 27/10/2018 14:21

Don't speak to him about the masturbating. Ask him about the cuddling and how you feel rejected. And you are jumping to conclusions that he was keen for you to go so he could do that

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 14:22

then lazed about wanking

Seriously, it's a five min thing usually, not a whole mornings work.

And maybe he's struggling to tell you he finds the thought of sex when you're so heavily pregnant difficult. You do seem very sensitive about it.

As a pp said, lots of men, and women, feel like this in the latter stages of pregnancy, it's really not a big deal.

anitagreen · 27/10/2018 14:26

@sadembarrassedmummy talk to him, tell him exactly what you've said here without the wank bit, tell him you feel a tad left out at the moment and miss the affection, im sure he'd be upset to know how he's made you feel.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2018 14:34

A lot of men feel uncomfortable about sex with a pregnant woman (there are some, though, who find a pregnant woman more desirable than a non-pregnant woman, but that's a whole different issue). Sometimes it's worry that it will hurt the baby, or bring on early labour. Sometimes it's a confused idea that the baby will somehow 'know'.

And sometimes, unfortunately, it's because the man divides women into two types - saintly mothers and filthy sluts - and once you become a saintly mother, you are no longer sexual in the man's eyes. Was your H brought up with poisonous religion, by any chance?

Tinkobell · 27/10/2018 14:43

@Jagblue....yes! My DH was the same in late pregnancy, found the big bump a turn off and also the respect for the baby thing....said he was worried his knob would bash the baby (inflated view of his own size) - it's a feeling thing and a lack of practical anatomy knowledge. I really shouldn't take this personally OP at all.

Missingstreetlife · 27/10/2018 14:46

Things may improve after baby is born. Make an issue of it then if not.
Is he going to be at the birth, will that put him off?

Pfingstrose · 27/10/2018 14:52

Do men wank with their boxers and pjs still on? Don’t they get in the way? Maybe he fell asleep and had a wet dream?

Either way, I don’t think it’s a big deal and agree with those who have said that the lack of affection is the real issue here.

LuluJakey1 · 27/10/2018 15:13

Tinkobell DH didn't go off sex but as the bump got bigger he did ask me quite seriously if he could damage the baby by 'poking it or jabbing it'. Talk about self-delusion!
I kept a straight face and explained about length of vagina, thickness of cervix, uterus being a muscular 'container' and baby being in bag of fluid. I didn't mention the self-delusion. He listened and seemed re-assured.
The birth shocked him.
I think men are scared by women's bodies during pregnancy because they only see what's on the outside usually and the rest is a mystery and then suddenly things start growing, changing colour, moving, getting wetter or drier or whatever and during birth they see things they never expected to see. Nne of it happens to them so they can't relate to it, they have nothing to compare it to.
DH said after DS was born that, despite coming to childbirth classes, and reading up on it, he had not in any way been prepared for what being being part of the birth would really be like. He said it felt like the midwife and I were part of a club that he couldn't be part of because he wasn't qualified and didn't understand it. He said at one point, when the Dr came in, the Dr (a man) was not part of it either and seemed to be waved out of the way and out of the room. He thought it was like seeing something primeval that just happened.

Cherries101 · 27/10/2018 15:23

You need to talk to him about this and find out why.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 27/10/2018 15:48

The wank is a surface issue, the real issue seems to be him not communicating he's uncomfortable having sex late in your pregnancy. To be clear, this isn't about you or how you look, it's a hang up he has. For whatever reason he isn't into it. As a grown man he should probably tell you about it though. I imagine he's scared of upsetting you as he thinks you'll jump to him not being attracted to you as a woman. Is it really that odd that he may not find himself aroused by a heavily pregnant woman? It's not permanent or a reflection of you, just how it is. Easier said than done, but try not to take it to heart, we can't expect men to find us attractive all of the time.

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2018 15:53

Nothing wrong with him having a wank. I don't think you really do need to talk to him about it, he's allowed to not want sex with you whilst you're pregnant.

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