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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DH masturbating?

53 replies

sadembarrassedmummy · 27/10/2018 13:55

MN regular, NC for this.

I'm 8 months pregnant and DH has gone completely off sex. He won't talk about it but I can tell he's not comfortable with the bump (and perhaps finds me less attractive but won't admit it?) as whenever I go for more than a cuddle he bats me away, which is bloody humiliating. Whilst he says he's still attracted to me, I can tell he's not as he's not had any interest in sex for weeks.

I've been round to the shops this morning to get some bits sorted for the baby and come home a few hours later. He'd changed his pyjamas but not showered (or done any of the washing up or any other cleaning that needed to be done!) When I went to fetch the laundry hamper I could see that he'd taken off the other pyjamas and his boxers were still inside and damp with semen so obviously he'd had a wank whilst I was away.

I can't bring myself to mention it to him as I'm sure he'd be ashamed but is this pregnancy hormones or AIBU to be upset? I'm practically shaking, with sadness and embarrassment. Not only is he unattracted to me but I was out for hours getting things sorted whilst he's home having a wank and a lazy morning. AIBU to think that's just not on?

OP posts:

Stephisaur · 27/10/2018 16:03

I would tell him that you were quite upset that he batted you away this morning. Explain that you understand that he is uncomfortable with sex at the moment, but you still need some form of intimacy.

He probably hasn’t considered your emotional needs, because I’m not certain that men always have the same needs as we do.

Hopefully you can reach a solution that leaves you feeling less unattractive :)

Feb2018mumma · 27/10/2018 16:09

We didn't have sex for 6 months! My husband just didn't want sex with me when I was obviously pregnant, he said it and I was a bit annoyed becuase I still wanted it but we are fine now, don't worry about it and it will go back to normal once baby is out :)

tiggerkid · 27/10/2018 16:11

I am confused: are you upset by his masturbation or the fact that he is having a lazy day while you are going around to sort things out?

ConciseandNice · 27/10/2018 16:23

He has a right to masturbate and have a private fantasy life. We all do. I have been in your position though. We have 5 kids and my husband never goes near me when I am pregnant. He just doesn’t find pregnant me very attractive and the first time I found this very upsetting and I felt isolated and unloved. We talked though and we got through that eventually. I understand the feelings you have, you need to talk to him (without trying to shame him about wanting because there’s nothing wrong with wanking).

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 16:26

You do seem to use some concerning words about masturbation though, shame, embarassement, sadness, and ,,,,that it's part of a relationship.

It can be part of a relationship but it's also just fine as a solo act. And he has a right to that, it's his body, he can do with it as he pleases. It is in reflection on you and quite frankly nothing to do with you. He is not doing something sad, shameful or embarrassing and he is permitted to do it on his own, it doesn't need to be with you. And would only be with you if and when he chose as much.

Id maybe look at your views on it, maybe there is something deeper there. That you think he's in some way cutting uou out by masturbing, or that he shoild only do it with you. If that's the case I'd take a step back as your thought process would be disturbing and off kilter here.

Ohyesiam · 27/10/2018 16:28

He’s probably scared he’ll hurt the baby) because you know how potent their cocks are).
But seriously, men really think that, don’t take it personally x

phantomofthenorthlaine · 27/10/2018 16:44

Or maybe he feels like 3 is a crowd but doesn't know how to say it? What I'm trying to say is if you have a big bump now & baby is moving around etc maybe he feels somehow baby will know / is present .. or that as pp upthread said he will somehow poke baby in the eye with his massive schlong?! I'd just talk to him - he sounds like a decent enough bloke from what you've said.

AlphaBravo · 27/10/2018 16:47

Wanting a wank is not the same as wanting a shag OP and you know that. Some men are not sexually attracted to pregnant women. It's totally normal and no reflection on you other than the fact you have a bump and a baby inside you.

I was a raging horn when pregnant but DH just wasn't interested. Job done etc.

TheWiseWomansFear · 27/10/2018 17:07

I think it's odd that you checked his boxers ... everyone's allowed a wank.

You're obviously struggling with being a different shape than usual and worrying about your DH not finding you sexy but ... he probably finds you sexy but is freaked out by the bump! I know I'd find it a bit weird to think that I was having sex when my child was a nearly fully grown baby and wasn't far away from where the action happens...

I don't think you can blame him if he feels his way but you should have a chat about it

Bananacakes · 27/10/2018 18:21

I do get this. I think it’s about closeness and intimacy. My OH is not very touchy feely and if we are not having sex then there’s literally no closeness. It changes our relationship and dynamics. When we’ve had a baby it reduces down and then afterwards can be tricky. I don’t think he’s keen on pregnancy. He does not have a sex drive that’s as high as mine and when he’s had a wank he would then not want sex for 2 weeks or so (that’s normally-not pregnant) sometimes we have sex several times a week and sometimes less. But I can’t help get irritated as actually for us, one does affect the other.
So if he’s had a wank I don’t seem to have a chance at sex! It’s hard then to not feel a bit pissed off.
When we are having normal regular sex, wanking doesn’t bother me. But as soon as it’s affecting our relationship it does, even though I know it shouldn’t.
It usually sorts itself out but it is annoying.

Blanchedupetitpois · 27/10/2018 18:45

Lots of men feel weird about late-pregnancy sex. That’s ok - if he doesn’t feel like it he doesn’t feel like it. Sex and masturbation are totally different and you can’t police him masturbating. It’s not really up to you what he does with his body.

Being lazy about chores is an issue though, and YWNBU to try and address that.

MrsStrowman · 27/10/2018 18:50

Even if he's feeling weird about sex at this stage in the pregnancy, that's not about you per se. I have struggled with it throughout my pregnancy and just can't face it since the movements became pronounced. I still live DH and fancy him and sometimes I think I'll be up for it, then I get a wiggle or a kick and just can't. Make it clear to him that for the next few weeks you understand if sex is too weird for him but you'd still like the affection, so won't see a kiss or cuddle as going anywhere in that sense. The masturbating is a red herring really. Men do it, women do it.

Bananacakes · 27/10/2018 18:51

@Blanchedupetitpois it’s not quite true though. They are related. And she’s saying it’s not normally an issue because they normally have a sex life. It’s easier to cope with someone not wanting sex with you if they are off sex, but if they are waiting for you to go out so they can have a wank, after pushing you away, that’s pretty hurtful. It’s not as straightforward as you make out.

Original poster

sadembarrassedmummy · 27/10/2018 18:59

Thank you bananacakes, yes, I do think they are connected given that he's gone off sex as my bump has gotten bigger.

I used the words about shame and embarassment because DH has a hard time talking about it, not that I feel that way. Oh and I didn't check his boxers, was just starting the laundry and they were clearly damp.

Its helpful to know that loads of other DPs also go off sex espceiallly late in pregnancy. I keep reading and hearing about couples where DP is massively horny and can't stop himself from his glowing and radiant wife, whilst I feel like a neglected whale.

OP posts:

Didsomeonesaybunny · 27/10/2018 19:03

Agree with other posters OP - you should definitely speak to him about his lack of help whilst you’re heavily pregnant. I’d also have to broach the issue re lack of sex. It may not have anything to do with whether he finds you attractive, pregnancy is beautiful and it may be that he’s worried he may be hurting the baby.. There are lots of positions that you can do that won’t interfere with your bump so it could literally be that.

CoughLaughFart · 27/10/2018 19:14

I reckon a fair number of you feel IABU so any suggestions for how to talk to him about this?

I honestly wouldn’t.

If you’d gone off sex during pregnancy and he was pushing you for it, he’d be getting torn to shreds on here. Is this really any different ?

Hoopaloop · 27/10/2018 19:17

Better into his boxers than coming home and walking in on him sat sweating away in your basque in the living room

puzzledlady · 27/10/2018 19:31

it’s normal. Why are you checking his boxers, and why are you embarrassed? You’re going to talk to him about what - why he feels the need to wank when you’re up for it? That would embarrass the hell out of me. YaBU.

Oblomov18 · 27/10/2018 19:43

YABU on both fronts.

Firstly, he is allowed to mastubate and that is not your concern.

Secondly, not all men find heavily pregnant women attractive.

Actually some women I don't, either. right at the end of the pregnancy, when the skin is very taught, and the line - the linea Nigra , and the popped out tummy buttons are all things I personally don't find that attractive either.

museumum · 27/10/2018 19:48

I think it’s totally fine to not want sex when you are 8 months pregnant. There’s a baby wriggling about in there! It’s pretty awesome it a bit distracting.
There will most likely be a couple of months very soon when you don’t want sex with him. You’d still be allowed to masturbate if you wanted to.

Babdoc · 27/10/2018 19:59

OP, you’ve been very articulate on here about the problem. Why don’t you sit down with your husband and have a similarly articulate chat?
It would be helpful for both of you to explore your attitudes to sex during pregnancy, the nature of your attraction to each other, your need for intimacy and physical affection as well as just sex.
It’s perfectly possible to have an active sex life right up until going into labour. Many women feel excessively horny during pregnancy due to all the hormones, and orgasm can be more intense due to the increased blood flow and larger uterine muscle mass. It seems a shame to miss out on that because DH has unfounded worries!
You can reassure him that he won’t harm the baby. (Although he might annoy it - my fetus used to rap imperiously on my uterine wall if things got too vigorous!)

Sethis · 27/10/2018 20:08

You need to talk about the shoving away and if you think he's being unreasonable by taking it easy in the morning - was there any other task scheduled for him to do?

It's unreasonable to be judgemental about masturbation. People jerk off even when their DPs aren't pregnant. He should be using a tissue though, or some other receptacle. I completely understand that he might not want to hammer someone bearing his child.

However if you can manage the embarassment, talk to him about you giving him oral or using your hands if you want to continue having sexual contact. He might be more comfortable with oral too. Only way to find out is to talk about it.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 27/10/2018 20:27

YANBU to be upset about him waking into his boxers. Get a tissue ffs 😂😂

^^ This a million times over, especially as he knew you were doing the washing!

Bananacakes · 27/10/2018 20:35

To be honest some of these comments are not very fair. It’s not an issue that people masterbate. She was upset that she’s tried to be close, been pushed away, gone out and he’s had a wank.
Generally my OH would be discreet enough to not leave evidence which could make it occur to me that that had happened, he would think that having rejected me, that might hurt. And as someone with a relatively low sex drive, it doesn’t take much for mine to not be bothered, so it does impact on us. I could see OP feeling ok you weeent horny, that’s ok I’ll deal with it, and then oh, you were actually, cheers.
Everyone has different levels and to tell her it’s a non-issue is unfair.
If he’d not left the evidence, she would not have had to realise it was her and not just he’s not in the mood for sex/orgasm. I’d say the same if he tried to be close and she turned him down and then he found her having a wank. It would be hurtful and thoughtless.
Also maybe it’s their attitude, if other posters on here have OH that are open about it, that’s great. But if you have an embarrasssed bloke who is very private, then it is a bit different. Like people say it’s private and personal. But even in relationships some people don’t like discussing it. I’m not saying that shouldn’t be worked on, but clearly people posting here have different experiences.

Asthenia · 27/10/2018 22:36

I don’t think there’s any problem with him masturbating but I’m really surprised at the amount of comments on here saying, my partner just wasn’t interested and that’s OK. Like, what??? Of course everyone is entitled to say no to sex but I would be hurt if my partner ‘just wasn’t interested’ purely because I was pregnant. How would that conversation even go?!

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