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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do we call a trio of Wendies? And aibu to say something today?

64 replies

PirateHair · 27/10/2018 13:32

I was individually friends with 3 different mums from the school 1x I knew from preschool, 1x lived nearby, and 1 x from a dance group.
Anyway introduced them all to each and set up a couple of nights out and family days.
As time has gone on our family is now left out of this group, in last few weeks there’s been parties etc my kids haven’t been included in.
Just seen there was another group night out last night that we were left out of. Pretty sure there’s a chat group that I’m not on too.
Don’t know what I’ve done wrong? Aibu to send a message to one and just ask her what the problem is?

OP posts:
Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 13:37

Or wait until I see them at the school,

OP posts:
tootstastic · 27/10/2018 14:00

I wouldn't say anything, I think just moving on is your best bet. These people are not friends, put it down to experience and make new ones.

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 14:04

That’s what my Dh thinks too and my closest friends but I really would quite like to know what the issue is at this point. Honestly didn’t think I be this upset about it?! I’m 36 have plenty of lovely friends but these 3 have stabbed me in the back I think.
I did feel like they were talking about me at my bday and a couple of my friends said the same but honestly thought I was being paranoid but now it’s obvious

OP posts:
Shamy123 · 27/10/2018 14:05

I'd do what Tootstastic suggests and try your best to move on. I've had it happen to me in the past before too and the best way to deal with it was just to think 'fuck them'

AlphaBravo · 27/10/2018 14:06

They havent stabbed you in the back op. No one owes anyone friendship Hmm

Given your attitude maybe you just don't fit their group dynamic?

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 14:08

I know that Alpha it’s just I was trying to be inclusive and introduce them when they didn’t know any of the other mums I thought we were friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 14:20

Maybe ‘stabbed in the back’ isn’t the right terminology given I can’t prove theyve been slagging me off just what others said it looked like to them.
Maybe ‘left out’ would be a better description.

OP posts:
Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 14:26

My gut is saying I’ve got to say something now I see them every day at school we live nearby in same village it’s just so awkward

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 27/10/2018 15:34

I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction OP. That’s what they want, to provoke you into creating a drama. Head high, shoulders back, you’re better than this. Nothing will irritate them more than to think you don’t care.

Solenti · 27/10/2018 15:36

Just move on. No drama, no arguments, no unpleasantness. Say hi when you see them. No need for it to be awkward, don't let it be.

OatsBeansBarley · 27/10/2018 15:40

Of course this is going to hurt you but they clearly haven't let that stop them dropping you. This tells you all you need to know about them.

Now I'd just let them get on with it.
You won't get anything out of confronting them imo.

ZoeWashburne · 27/10/2018 15:41

I don’t understand this concept of ‘Wendy-ing’. Sometimes people become close friends. Sometimes friendships fade. They haven’t done anything mean to you. You still could call them and arrange a get together.

Alpha nailed it: you aren’t entitled to all the friendships. Just because you introduced someone doesn’t mean you get ‘first dibs’ on all future events.

chumbal · 27/10/2018 15:54

I understand that no-one owes anyone their friendship but nevertheless it seems unkind to me.

Move on, find better people to spend your time /energy on. Chances are they are 'fair-weather' friends anyway 

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 15:56

We have always done everything as a group of the 4 family’s now my family is not invited and I’m not sure why of course I’m going to be a bit confused and sad about it.

OP posts:
Jojoanna · 27/10/2018 15:56

Oh eff off with your wendies , stupid terminology

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 15:59

Are you actually called ‘Wendy’ Jo? I didn’t come up with the concept but intrigued to know about the first ‘wendy’ ever discussed on mn there seems to be lots about

OP posts:
CubanHeels · 27/10/2018 16:00

I don’t understand this concept of ‘Wendy-ing’. Sometimes people become close friends. Sometimes friendships fade. They haven’t done anything mean to you. You still could call them and arrange a get together.

Alpha nailed it: you aren’t entitled to all the friendships. Just because you introduced someone doesn’t mean you get ‘first dibs’ on all future events

This. In the nicest possible way, OP, sometimes people who get to know one another through a third party become closer friends than either is with the mutual friend who introduced them, and their friendship takes off and develops its own dynamic. Unless you genuinely feel they should always invite you along just because they all knew you first, no one has 'stabbed you in the back'. The balance of friendships has just shifted away from you.

If you still like them and would like to continue to see them, individually or together, organise something?

riotlady · 27/10/2018 16:02

I understand why you’re upset, op. It might be wiser to just leave it but if you really want to know I don’t think there’s much harm that can come from texting a friend “I feel a bit left out recently, is something wrong?”

CubanHeels · 27/10/2018 16:02

OP, I remember the original Wendy thread. It was about a new friend who had joined a pre-existing group of friends and seemed to be actively edging out the OP. Her name wasn't Wendy, but the OP said 'I'll call her Wendy' for clarity. Hence the now-established terminology.

debbiefrowner · 27/10/2018 16:10

Some people just never get over that playground mentality of wanting to set themselves up as the “in crowd” with the power of feeling they can reject others and include them and they’re begging to be included?

You know the kind of person who likes to make a big deal about having “besties” and post “me and this one had such a great night /out with my girl” (when irl they aren’t as close as they pretend Hmm)

Fuck that, just concentrate om yourself and your family and progressing your own life practically, or going to social stuff where it’s a bit more “everyone welcome, but activity focussed” stuff?

glenthebattleostrich · 27/10/2018 16:12

OP, I feel for you and get what you mean. When you are part of a friendship group and are then suddenly sidelined and bitched about it hurts.

What I do (am currently in similar situation) is remain icily polite but withdraw. I refuse to be drawn into childish popularity contests and to be honest it's all a bit 'popular gang in the school yard'. I know I'm a good person, the people who truly matter know this too. The rest of them will realise when they are all paying for pet boarding, house sitting and babysitting because I only go out of my way to help my friends!

Everincreasingfrequency · 27/10/2018 16:12

Lots of sympathy op, I understand why you're upset - no none of us is entitled to or owed friendship but the situation you've described can be a very upsetting one.

Groups can sometimes be lethal emotionally, imv! - in fact sometimes I wonder if there is an almost inherent push towards a group dynamic that the group will gradually drop one person/couple, because that is perversely how they cement the relationship with the others. Doesn't always happen, but mn tells us it does often enough for it not to be a haphazard outcome, maybe!

Whether to send a message to one, I think depends entirely on your own personality and how you want to relate to people. Many would prefer to slope off head held high, but others prefer to ask. I'd say two things - if you do raise it, you may not be told the truth anyway, or, if you are, it may be hurtful - are you sure you want to take that risk? (non confronter here, but recognise that's not right for everyone!)

greendale17 · 27/10/2018 16:14

I can guarantee you OP someone has stirred it and the other 2 have believed them.

I would ask one or all of them outright why they include you anymore and see what the story is.

malificent7 · 27/10/2018 16:16

I think it's fine to feel hurt about this behaviour...has happened to me. Let it go though. Why be friends with fair weather friends?

diddl · 27/10/2018 16:16

I do understand what a pp says about not owing anyone a friendship.

It's hard to think though that these women all seemed to like Op & her family well enough, but now all 3 of them no longer like her enough to bother!

Fine if they all get on as a group-but not one of them also still wants to see Op?