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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do we call a trio of Wendies? And aibu to say something today?

64 replies

PirateHair · 27/10/2018 13:32

I was individually friends with 3 different mums from the school 1x I knew from preschool, 1x lived nearby, and 1 x from a dance group.
Anyway introduced them all to each and set up a couple of nights out and family days.
As time has gone on our family is now left out of this group, in last few weeks there’s been parties etc my kids haven’t been included in.
Just seen there was another group night out last night that we were left out of. Pretty sure there’s a chat group that I’m not on too.
Don’t know what I’ve done wrong? Aibu to send a message to one and just ask her what the problem is?

OP posts:
RedLife · 27/10/2018 16:18

I would want to know why. And id be asking them too!

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 16:20

Yes green I completely agree there was a shift that I felt happened overnight all of a sudden they were all a bit less friendly and I thought I was being paranoid until the invites dropped too. It seemed happen one night after we got called home from pub early (babysitter called us back) and the next day there was an atmosphere?

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 27/10/2018 16:21

Can you quietly ask the one you feel most able to if there's anything wrong as you don't all hang out together as much anymore? I'd want to know too.

Roussette · 27/10/2018 16:21

I feel for you, whoever said no one owes anyone friendship etc, really doesn't get it.

Piratehair introduced these 3 women Without her, they wouldn't know each other necessarily and I think it's really mean to drop the person (Pirate) who is the common denominator between them. If you are brave enough to challenge one of them, do it. Say you are feeling left out and wondered why.

Why should they get away with it?

This happened to me a long time ago and I remember how I felt. I introduced 2 couples to each other. We all had similar aged DCs. Every month or six weeks we would take it in turns to have everyone over on Sunday for a Sunday lunch type thing, the kids would play together, those that weren't driving would have some wine, it was lovely.

A couple of months went by and I'd asked more than once when we were getting together. (I'd done the last time). It just didn't seem to happen, then one of the kids told my DD she'd had a lovely time last Sunday at Other Couple's house. They'd cut us out completely! Really hurtful. I should've said something and regret I didn't.

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/10/2018 16:21

It’s more like Mean Girls than Wendying, I reckon.
Anyway OP, ignore the Mean Girls.

Everincreasingfrequency · 27/10/2018 16:22

Is there one of the group who you get on particularly well with who you could try to continue to set up meetings/events with individually (or your two families together)? Sometimes what works as a one to one friendship doesn't do so well in a group.

It would be interesting to know if many people consciously or otherwise avoid introducing their friends to each other, maybe subconsciously trying to avoid this kind of outcome?

TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 27/10/2018 16:28

OP ignore the nasty schoolgirl bullying idiots on here.
Nasty little people with too much time on their hands. Either they have no friends themselves so wouldn't know what it was like to lose 3 of them, or they are the exact people that Wendy others and give zero fucks for their feelings.

OP you have basically lost 3 friends and that's awful, that's going to hurt like buggery whether you have done something wrong or not.
I personally can't let things lie and I would have to message them and ask, unconfrontationally (is that even a word) what it is I had done wrong to be pushed out/not invited and see if you can use that info to to reflect or as closure.

It's not nice being pushed out.

Solenti · 27/10/2018 16:37

It's absolutely not nice to be pushed out, but I guarnatee that all messaging and asking will do is make them hop immediately onto their group chat and start bitching and then sat nothing is wrong. Not a doubt in my mind. Then it WILL be awkward at the school gates.
The OP has nice other friends. Sometimes people are just arseholes. I wouldn't want to slot back into a group with people who would treat others like that. Concentrate on your friendships with those who respect you and treat you kindly.

Thebluedog · 27/10/2018 16:41

Just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction of saying something, it won’t make a difference and will just give them something g to gossip about between themselves. If you see them at school simply smile and go and stand elsewhere. Take you and your family out of the equation.

What you may find is that once you’re out of the picture they then start to exclude one of the other ones.

As my mum used to say, if they are prepared to treat you badly then they aren’t worth having as friends

donquixotedelamancha · 27/10/2018 16:44

My gut is saying I’ve got to say something now

That's your limbic cortex. It's fine at helping you fight sabre toothed tigers but not so good with complex social situations.

Aibu to send a message to one and just ask her what the problem is?

I think you need to understand that this expectation that friendship groups always do everything together is not universal. Often when people get very upset about being left out of a specific activity on MN it seems like the normal ebb and flow of friendships to me.

I remember feeling the way you describe when I was missed out when I was a lot younger, but these days I would be put off by those expectations. Clearly (from MN) do have an expectation that everyone is included in all activities all the time, but you should understand that your friends won't know that.

I think the conversation has the potential to be embarrassing and off putting if not handled correctly.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 27/10/2018 16:45

Well a group of Wendies should clearly be referred to as a Wendetta 😂
In all seriousness though it’s likely that they and/or their kids don’t like the company of you and yours that much. I imagine an extended bitching session after you left the pub early has been the catalyst for them distancing themselves.
Their loss op. Concentrate on making new, nicer friends.

Roussette · 27/10/2018 16:52

Interesting what you say donquixote and I totally agree except when the OP was the one who brought them all together! She's the one who knew them all originally and kindly introduced them to each other. To me, that makes it mean.

Bluetrews25 · 27/10/2018 16:57

Liking Wendetta. Grin
Was going to suggest a 'bag of Wendies'.
OP, keep your dignity, don't ask anything, make out like you never even noticed, or cared about the lack of attention. They might be peed off at the lack of response.
Watch from the sidelines as they start to Wendy each other. Grin

BlueThesaurusRex · 27/10/2018 16:59

Wendetta!

Bravo @BumsexAtTheBingo

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2018 17:01

Ask them if you really want to know why

But prepare yourself for the truth because sometimes it can hurt.

faeriequeen · 27/10/2018 17:03

My best friend was introduced to me by another friend. Neither of us now see the original friend, not because we were Wendies, but because we realised she was overly dramatic and not a very kind person.

Original poster
PirateHair · 27/10/2018 17:14

Funnily enough queen
My Dh did say the only time he thought 🤔 about the group of women was one night when they were talking about another school mum negatively I just said ‘she’s really nice actually’ and one of them replied ‘stop being so nice all the time Pirate!’ We all laughed it off but Dh now thinks maybe that was something like they expected me to join in slating this other mum and I didn’t?

OP posts:
AFrayedOfHell · 27/10/2018 17:14

Wenthree?
Wendetta is better

I'm not sure asking them is going to get you anything but more upset. If they do give you a list of your perceived failings, it's still going to be awkward. And if they go the wide-eyed nothing going on here, it's still awkward for you.

I'd consider just always greeting them with a broad smile and concentrating your efforts somewhere more worth it.

Chottie · 27/10/2018 17:20

I was going to suggest a Coven of Wendies...... :)

OP - it's very mean and unkind. I personally would be light and upbeat whenever I met them. I would not give them the satisfaction of thinking that I care......

When someone shows you who they are, believe them (Maya Angelou)

Chottie · 27/10/2018 17:24

My Dh did say the only time he thought 🤔 about the group of women was one night when they were talking about another school mum negatively I just said ‘she’s really nice actually’ and one of them replied ‘stop being so nice all the time Pirate!’ We all laughed it off but Dh now thinks maybe that was something like they expected me to join in slating this other mum and I didn’t?

OP - I've just read your update - hand on heart, do you really want to be friends with these women? - who do you think they will be talking about when you are not there?

TheDayMyButtWentPsycho · 27/10/2018 17:25

but Dh now thinks maybe that was something like they expected me to join in slating this other mum and I didn’t?

In which case you're well rid. Bunch of arseholes.

Ioki · 27/10/2018 17:29

a trio of Wendies - a Wendetta?

I wouldn't do anything op, even though it's hurtful. feeling hurt about it is fine but just let it lie

BeardedMum · 27/10/2018 17:37

Its very hurtful, but they are not being kind and I would not want friends like that.

eyeballscauldron · 27/10/2018 17:45

*Some people just never get over that playground mentality of wanting to set themselves up as the “in crowd” with the power of feeling they can reject others and include them and they’re begging to be included?

You know the kind of person who likes to make a big deal about having “besties” and post “me and this one had such a great night /out with my girl” (when irl they aren’t as close as they pretend hmm)

Fuck that, just concentrate on yourself and your family and progressing your own life practically, or going to social stuff where it’s a bit more “everyone welcome, but activity focussed” stuff?*

^ This so true. Halloween Smile

Cora1942 · 27/10/2018 17:48

I have had the same thing happen to me in two different types of friendship.
It's not nice and you do question where you went wrong. No argument etc. But funny thing is both Wendies have a history of falling out with a group before joining our group.
Ignore them OP and choose other friends to spend time with. Their loss. You wait a few year down the line the group will fall.apart. There is no doubt a queen Wendy in the group whose true colours will prevail. The sheep Wendies will try to be friends again with you .