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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is having an affair based on a credit card?

79 replies

Weatherwax · 27/10/2018 00:13

Been with DH for over 10 years, 2 DC, no reason to think anything might be "going on", although things have been tough for a while now but I put that down to general tiredness, kids, work stress, him being a lazy bugger etc.

No reason that is until we return from holidays in the summer. I sorted the post out in to piles, him & me, and his pile has what is early a new credit card in it. I didn't open it, but the envelope has gone a bit wonky and I can see the "welcome to your new credit card" blurb bit of letter through the envelope window, and there is clearly a card enclosed.

All our finances since we had DC have been joint. Every financial decision has been joint. All work expenses are claimed for and paid back so no company credit cards are required. We have no major out goings coming up, nor any major birthdays/anniversaries that might require a secret lavish purchase. We have no existing accounts with this bank. Also no paper bills for said credit card have come through since I discovered it.

DH works away every so often, stays over in hotels paid for by work, so has the opportunity to cheat freely without suspicion arising, although as bad as things have got I never ever thought he would. So my AIBU is am I unreasonable to think that there is no reason for a secret credit card other than to hide purchases for another woman/to use to meet up with another woman? Has anyone had experience of finding out about a secret bank account/credit card that was ultimately a lovely surprise, or is it always an affair??

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheAlarm · 27/10/2018 08:15

I applied for and got a new credit card the other week. I want to do a balance transfer. I didn’t tell husband. Not because I’m deliberately hiding anything. He just wouldn’t be particularly interested.

BlueCurious · 27/10/2018 08:15

Just ask him why he has a credit card and hasn't told you. His reaction will say a lot. If he's shifty, ask him to show you the statements. If he brings up trust, say he has chipped at yours by getting a secret credit card. If he won't show you, then you know it's not good.

MamaLovesMango · 27/10/2018 08:23

Just ask him why he has a credit card and hasn't told you. His reaction will say a lot. If he's shifty, ask him to show you the statements. If he brings up trust, say he has chipped at yours by getting a secret credit card. If he won't show you, then you know it's not good.

This. And in the meantime do a little digging.

diddl · 27/10/2018 08:31

Why couldn't you just have asked when you saw the letter?

Just ask now if it was a new cc & if so why?

HisBetterHalf · 27/10/2018 08:33

When you say work pay for the hotels does your DH have to pay upfront and then claim back as expenses? If so, many use a credit card for such purposes

Xenia · 27/10/2018 08:45

it is very common for work to want you to have a separate card for expenses. I would just ask him.

All these no paperwork arrangements these days are not as great as people make out. I still think it'#s worth printing out bills and filing them and also am still getting paper bank statements and some utility bills. The companies hate me for it I am sure.

AlphaBravo · 27/10/2018 08:48

I get those in the post OP. Its a fake cardboard or plastic card inside and it's marketing junkmail. They never send actual credit cards out in obvious packaging. They're always in blank plain envelopes and unless you groped the envelope for a while you wouldn't know one was in there.

dementedma · 27/10/2018 08:50

I only found out about DH's gambling habit when a credit card statement arrived in the post. had he been smarter he would have arranged for an online statement. he had more than one card so was using one to pay off the other which is why I didn't see payments coming out of our joint bank account.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/10/2018 08:53

Would be normally tell you when switching cards?

I chop and change my credit cards regularly to get the 0% interest promotions. I don’t necessarily tell DH about it.

Bottom line though, you’re worried. Either you ask him about the new card or you don’t. Ultimately, which will cause the most upset?

Jutz · 27/10/2018 08:58

If he’s having an affair, asking him is not the thing to do. If he’s having an affair, this is just a clue, not conclusive proof so again if he’s having an affair he’s not going to say “oh yes, wife, I got this card to conceal my affair”. I wonder if people who recommend “just asking” have actually experienced their husband cheating on them Confused. I have experienced it and the pain and confusion of not knowing is torturous. If you read relationship threads, in the majority of situations, cheaters won’t confess when asked unless there is conclusive proof. Which was indeed my experience. They will explain everything away, lie, say they love you etc. 10yrs of marriage, 2 kids, a man who abhors cheating - it happened to me.

If he’s having an affair and you ask him, he’ll be alerted to you potentially being on to him and he’ll bury the evidence deeper.

I am sorry op, this type of situation is really hurtful and difficult to deal with. With your current level of information, it’s difficult to know re an affair or not. The current state of marriage, sex etc is also an indicator. But only an indicator.

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2018 09:04

I’d just ask him.

“I saw the other day, that you were sent a new credit card? What’s it for?”

QueenoftheNights · 27/10/2018 09:06

I can't actually understand all the amateur detectives here suggesting stuff. It's off another planet.

JUST ASK HIM!

I don't know why you didn't on the day. I'd have said 'Ooooh the post's come and there seems to be a credit card in one of them. Is there? Why have you applied for a new one?'

He can't have paper bills sent to another address except the one he has registered for the card.

Surely you would see from your bank account if he is paying off another card? have you looked? How would be hide that evidence? Unless he also has another bank account.

If he is having an affair and booking rooms to carry it on, he would , sensibly, use cash and withdraw it from an ATM. The card is not exactly hidden if it's in his wallet- even at the back!!!!!

The fact you are scared to raise it, or didn't months ago, says a lot about your marriage anyway and the poor communication going on.

Just find a time this weekend to ask him to have a chat about something.

DeadCertain · 27/10/2018 09:11

Work credit card?

QueenoftheNights · 27/10/2018 09:13

Possibly- lots of people have a CC solely for work expenses. My DH does.

Original poster
Weatherwax · 27/10/2018 09:28

Thanks all. I guess I need a conversation, the reason for posting and not jumping straight in to the convo was fear - the only thing I could think of was the worst and I didn't want to consider it (thats to all the not so helpful "just talk to him" advice!)

He does actually have one separate account that his car allowance goes to, he's using that to save towards a new car. All expenses, mileage claims etc go in to the joint account. So there's a possibility of paying off amounts without my knowledge.

I also didn't mention it at the time as I was trying to assume the best and just thought I'd check the statement when it comes and all will be fine and dandy, but it never did, hence the time lapse!

Cannot check phone as its protected with facial recognition/pins and I don't know them.

I'll woman up and have a chat. Thanks so much for all your responses!

OP posts:
PinkDaffodil2 · 27/10/2018 09:54

With a Santander card and probably others you can check the balance over the phone without going through security checks if that helps you to check his story.

PicaK · 27/10/2018 10:03

I'd forget the credit card actually - not a lot you can do about that. It could be innocent and he could still be having an affair iyswim.
I would have a chat about the state of your marriage though. Ask him how he feels etc. That's the thing you need to address.

crispysausagerolls · 27/10/2018 10:12

I don’t understand relationships like this! Just bloody ask him

longwayoff · 27/10/2018 10:14

OP stop tying yourself in knots. Ask him. Or take it out of his wallet, buy something online, put it back and wait for the bill to arrive. No. Just ask him.

Wauden · 27/10/2018 10:24

Apart from the card, its time that he did more around the house and with the dc. Maybe you resent his issue here. Can you chat about it and divvy up chores? He should be spending more time with the dc.

listsandbudgets · 27/10/2018 10:31

DO used to have A job where he was issued a credit card specifically for travel expenses, trains, minimal subsistence etc. The bill went to his employers was checked and paid. Could it be anything like That?

SerenDippitty · 27/10/2018 10:39

Where I work, corporate credit cards have the name of the organisation on them as well as the cardholder but they aren’t delivered to the home address of the cardholder. They are registered and billed to the work address.

WhyAmISoCold · 27/10/2018 10:55

I would have to ask him outright tbh.

walchesterweasel · 27/10/2018 11:14

Would one of the on-line credit checkers like Noodle show up which credit cards a person has ?

TSSDNCOP · 27/10/2018 11:18

DH and I both have company credit cards for hotels/dinner/corporate entertaining. You keep them at the back so as not to use them by mistake or it louses up your expenses.

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