Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is having an affair based on a credit card?

79 replies

Weatherwax · 27/10/2018 00:13

Been with DH for over 10 years, 2 DC, no reason to think anything might be "going on", although things have been tough for a while now but I put that down to general tiredness, kids, work stress, him being a lazy bugger etc.

No reason that is until we return from holidays in the summer. I sorted the post out in to piles, him & me, and his pile has what is early a new credit card in it. I didn't open it, but the envelope has gone a bit wonky and I can see the "welcome to your new credit card" blurb bit of letter through the envelope window, and there is clearly a card enclosed.

All our finances since we had DC have been joint. Every financial decision has been joint. All work expenses are claimed for and paid back so no company credit cards are required. We have no major out goings coming up, nor any major birthdays/anniversaries that might require a secret lavish purchase. We have no existing accounts with this bank. Also no paper bills for said credit card have come through since I discovered it.

DH works away every so often, stays over in hotels paid for by work, so has the opportunity to cheat freely without suspicion arising, although as bad as things have got I never ever thought he would. So my AIBU is am I unreasonable to think that there is no reason for a secret credit card other than to hide purchases for another woman/to use to meet up with another woman? Has anyone had experience of finding out about a secret bank account/credit card that was ultimately a lovely surprise, or is it always an affair??

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/10/2018 01:49

im really sorry.id hate to have the dread of thinking if hes having an affair or not.has there been any problems.im just wondering because you assumed affair first.an then went searching his wallet for it.
with it being so long ago I don't even no how ud think of a question to "catch him out" either.as you cant just ask about that card you got the other day and linking up accounts.
could you possibly say you wanted to check the end date on the cards as u thought they were sooner and then find the card?
or you just sit and talk to him.
you have to act otherwise it will drive you crazy.

LoudJazzHands · 27/10/2018 02:05

Could it be as simple as a replacement card for his regular one that had expired?

It's not particularly secretive to have it delivered to your home address if he doesn't want yo to know about it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/10/2018 02:14

Well regardless of the reason, something is being kept secret and thats not good.

Assuming it is an online account, can you access the device he will use to administrate it?

And where will the payments for the card be coming from? If they are not showing up on your joint account then he is paying them some other way, and that would be a bigger red flag for me.

user1473878824 · 27/10/2018 02:29

.....or just talk to your husband and ask him?

JosellaPlayton · 27/10/2018 02:54

It could be anything:
-corporate card for work
-secret card so he can actually surprise you with gifts
-pre-pay card for taking out say an insurance policy
-hiding money problems
-gambling problem
-affair
Only way to know is to ask!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/10/2018 03:17

Yeah cos when asked a person who has something to hide will always say "Its a fair cop....." and 'fess up Hmm

theycallmebabydriver · 27/10/2018 04:13

About a year ago the company I work for changed its expenses system to an online system that automatically links to your company credit card meaning that company credit cards were now compulsory having been optional before. A new credit card was therefore delivered to our house in my name. Too tedious to provoke a conversation between me and DH.

Snomade · 27/10/2018 04:41

If you're married, IMO, you have a right to know about any credit cards that he takes out as, I believe, that you can be held responsible for any debts he incurs and can't pay back.
Seriously, do some digging.
Good luck, OP.

Oysterbabe · 27/10/2018 04:45

Can you have a snoop through his phone before you ask him? If it's dodgy he'll obviously make some kind of excuse and say it's innocent so you'll really be no further forward.

mumto2babyboys · 27/10/2018 05:04

You guys are married so legally you share finances. This is what i would do.

Use the card to buy something obviously girly online Then when he sees the purchase he will ask you about it 

or if he doesn't then he is def hiding something

Yonijust · 27/10/2018 05:16

Look at the statements, online or paper.

araiwa · 27/10/2018 05:22

A secret card he had delivered to his home and keeps in his wallet? Hardly secret is it?

Whats the difference between hidden in his wallet and put in his wallet?

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/10/2018 05:23

You guys are married so legally you share finances.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

mumto2babyboys · 27/10/2018 05:41

Actually I don't think it is wrong. The police will say its a civil matter and unless he has set up the extra security password for online purchases, she can use it

Legally it's only supposed to be the account holder but unless they get divorced and divorce court wants to subtract the credit card charge from the equity in the house.

Buy something under his name get it sent to their address under his name, then he'll have to explain it and if he doesn't mention it. He is def hiding something

Also you get a gut feeling about these things so trust that

Blanchedupetitpois · 27/10/2018 07:37

Is it definitely an actual new card and not a promo where they act like you’ve been granted a card (including giving you a fake one)?

If it is definitely a card I would imagine he’s taking advantage of a good deal or something and just hasn’t told you. Still a bit annoying, but I think affair is a big leap.

MsHopey · 27/10/2018 07:50

Lots of times on here people tell women to "hide money" so if shit hits the fan in a relationship they have some kind of back up plan to find a new place to live, and just general other living expenses while a relationship is up in the air.
Could he just have it as a back up plan ad the relationship is rocky at the moment.
He might not have put anything on the account, but if the relationship is struggling he could be putting some finances in place.
Literally every single woman on here is told to get money, get finances in order, make sure they have a back up plan, etc. Surely a man is entitled to the same thing if it puts his mind at ease incase you leave him, or even if he leaves you but is expecting you stay in your current property.
I think you might be reading too much into it. But I probably would still mention it to my husband, but just not assume the worst.

pasturesgreen · 27/10/2018 07:56

Seems fairly stupid to have a 'secret' credit card delivered to your home address where everyone could intercept it or open it by mistake...

Christmas is coming up, maybe he's planning some extra purchases? It's not necessarily suspicious, but you do need to ask him if it's bothering you.

PeakTrans · 27/10/2018 07:59

I think you should ask him, wait for a credit card advert to appear on tv and make it casual

OhHolyJesus · 27/10/2018 08:02

The credit card statement is how my mum found out of my dad's affair. She had no other clues.

Truckingonandon · 27/10/2018 08:07

Envelopes containing bank cards don't have windows and are not identification, so how did you see it?

I'd personally keep my powder dry and dig away to find out more.

IABURQO · 27/10/2018 08:10

You said he's working away, so it could be a company card. I'd just ask him how come he got a new card, his reaction will tell you something. If you feel obliged to hide when you saw it perhaps take £10 to go and buy milk, then tell him you ran out of cash and saw it when you took the cash out.

Signposted · 27/10/2018 08:13

Just ask him....what’s the problem? You have a letter with welcome to your new credit card on it....ask what it’s for

I have had two situations where I have a card that my wife des not:

  1. Old employer changed to corporate credit cards and insisted that all use them
  1. New employer does not have a corporate scheme, we did not have a credit card so I got one that I only use to pay for and keep track of work expenses, typically flights, petrol and hotels. I figured rather than this come out of our normal bank account I would earn some cash back (well tesco clubcard points to be exact) from the fact that I was financing the company I worked for whilst waiting a few weeks to be refunded

It could however simply be a dummy card as part of a sales type letter

I can’t beleive so many people are jumping to conspiracies. Unless you really suspect something is going on, then just ask him.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/10/2018 08:13

If he has had it since the summer he will have had to pay of what he has used by now. Have there been any payments from your normal accounts to this one? If not I would suspect it is a work one and they are paying it.

LakieLady · 27/10/2018 08:14

Just ask him why he's got another credit card and see what he says.

You'll surely be able to tell by his reaction if he's hiding something.

Signposted · 27/10/2018 08:14

I should say that my wife of course knows about both of the situations above

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread