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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Return of my DD

108 replies

Loz55 · 26/10/2018 19:06

AIBU to think my ex-husband is out of order for not returning our 12 year old daughter home from Florida to the UK after a 4 week visit to him during the summer holidays, even though she says she wants to stay?

OP posts:
AhhhhThatsBass · 26/10/2018 20:32

Sounds off, OP. Can you FaceTime in private, maybe when he is at work?

Viviene · 26/10/2018 20:36

Hold on a sec... how come she can stay there? Does she have a visa? Social security number? Health insurance? Would she be classed as an illegal immigrant?
Is it possible for you to fly there? Why haven't you?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/10/2018 20:37

I cannot believe some of the reactions on here. A child has been abducted and people are saying 'let her go'? What.The.Fuck. This is every parents worse nightmare isn't it?

Charolais · 26/10/2018 20:41

If your ex is only a green card holder I believe he cannot sponsor someone from another country, even if he is related to them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/10/2018 20:43

Morally your are correct. There are a couple of issues - One is that her opinion on whom to live with should be made in her habitual place of residence, with discussions with both of you and, ideally, someone independent, not while she's on holiday at her dad's. And then there's the issue of her seeing her role as providing childcare for her younger siblings - this needs parental override because, regardless of what she wants, this isn't her role as a child. All of this assumes she's at least the maturity of an average 14-year-old, possibly older. If younger I don't think she should have a say in which country she lives in, despite it also being about who she lives with, the decision to change country is too big a deal.

Do you know what her visa status is? Does she automatically get a green card on the basis of her fathers? Because that's another twist - what happens when she's of age?

Charolais · 26/10/2018 20:44

See my PP. Contact his local sheriffs department. I'm a green card holder here in the U.S. and I cannot sponsor someone from another country.

neveradullmoment99 · 26/10/2018 20:44

I would have raised every penny to have got a flight over there. You need to go and get her. I would be very concerned. How do you know what state of mind he has if he has just broken up with his partner?

neveradullmoment99 · 26/10/2018 20:45

especially after what your dd is saying about wanting to stay.

Feefeetrixabelle · 26/10/2018 20:49

Why haven’t you been over to talk to her face to face op?

moredoll · 26/10/2018 20:51

Agree with pp. Reunite will be able to advise.
It doesn't matter what she wants/says she wants. She's 12. Your ex sounds a bit unstable, and doesn't have her best interests at heart if he thinks it's okay to use her as a childminder.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2018 20:51

She says she wants to stay to help look after her younger brother and sister.

She could be saying that to protect your feelings.

Maybe she just really wants to live with her dad, but if she invents a 'reason', she thinks it won't hurt you as much?

MyBrexitIsIll · 26/10/2018 20:52

I would be worried about what isn’t going on, on a moral ground.

I find it strange that a child, who has never expressed the desire to stay with her dad suddenly says so. And even more so when the reason she gives is that ‘she coud help looking after her younger siblings’. Assuming too that said siblings aren’t from the same mother so she has hardly seen them on regular basis??

The fact the dad is always in the background doesn’t help either...

It’s a very strange situation.

And the very first step of for her to be back in the uk before been able to start a conversation on

  • why and if she actaullynreally wats to stay with her dad
  • why does she think she is the one who should be looking after her younger siblings (a very strange idea for a 12yo ime)
  • what are the proviso, rules etc..for her to stay LEGALLY in the country. She mightnqell nit be able to stay in the US anyway!
carly2803 · 26/10/2018 21:00

I would be on a flight now heading to the USA to bring her home!!!

perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 21:10

Sounds like Daddy wants a free nanny. Daddy is a complete arse and I am sorry he is putting both her and you and the younger sibs through this. Flowers

EdisonLightBulb · 26/10/2018 21:15

God no, get her home through the courts. This IS child abduction and I suspect she is trying to please everyone and he is looking for help with child care.

Florida is more than Mickey Mouse and chocolate fudge brownies ffs.

Mondaytired · 26/10/2018 21:15

He has parental responsibility presumably?
Difficult one .. she is 12, probably would resent you for a long time if you forced her to come home. Could have an adverse impact on the future.
You could support her decision, Facetime and visit as often as possible and let her know the door is always open ,

tolerable · 26/10/2018 21:18

aw whatta tough call.My heart is with you,as a mum.But can see the pull.Can you go?x

Aprilislonggone · 26/10/2018 21:19

Maybe she is concerned worried about coming home and leaving her siblings with him...

perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 21:20

It's impossible to know whose decision it is when a 12 year old is alone with a manipulative adult. If this was her real choice, then it can be made calmly and with CAFCASS involved. But frankly, his choosing to abduct her - and this is precisely what this is, legally and morally - indicates there should be serious red flags over his capacity to consider any interests but his own. An issue, in a parent.

Binglebong · 26/10/2018 21:21

If her father's relationship was the basis of his green card and that has now broken down is he even able to stay?

Sympathy for you OP.Flowers

toherdoor · 26/10/2018 21:23

I can't believe people are telling you to let her stay. You have no idea what's going on because you aren't there. She's 12, it's not her job to look after her siblings.
It sounds like he's planned this the whole time, he had no right to put either of you in this position. Presumably she has school and friends and a routine. You don't just change that on a whim without discussing it with you. Get her back op.

manicinsomniac · 26/10/2018 21:25

I'm so sorry, you must be going through living hell and feel so powerless.

Not everyone can afford to jump on a plane, there may be other children, employment responsibilities etc in the UK. I'm sure the OP has been doing everything possible.

Do you have other children living with you, OP? I'm just trying to think like a 12 year old. I suppose the combination of new country, lovely weather, new siblings and the prospect of trying out an American school (glamarous due to films etc) could well have temporarily seduced her into wanting to move to the US. I can see the attraction as an adult. But surely she'll start missing your and her old friends soon enough.

I'm amazed by how many people have basically just shrugged and said it should be her choice. Would you really willingly give that choice to your own child? I wouldn't!

perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 21:33

Jumping on a plane doesn't solve this permanently in the way legally getting her home does - he could just do the same thing again. It needs to be really clear that the responsible adult is taking the sensible steps.

OP don't take what a 12 year old is saying right now too much to heart. Wait till she's home, and then if you can at all afford it try to get some counselling so she can work all this through. Presumably you are talking to her school here? They should be able to work out something there with you, as she'll need support when home.

I'm so sorry. This has to be unbearably upsetting and stressful. You are doing the right thing: if this were about her best interests, he'd be talking it through with you like an adult, working on what she needs. Not doing this. If he's going to behave this way, she needs you to be the sensible, sane adult in the situation all the more.

Feefeetrixabelle · 26/10/2018 21:37

You need to have a face to face conversation with her op. Without her dad there. And that’s only going to happen one way at the moment. Maybe if you go over there she will be able to explain fully why she wants to stay.

TheBigFatMermaid · 26/10/2018 21:47

What a horrible situation for you and for your DD. I rally feel she is being guilted into staying to help with her younger siblings.

Someone upthread said she should not be able to state her case until she is home, I agree. She needs to be in her safe place, then say she wants to return, although I doubt she would!

Fight on with the support of MN behind you!! Good luck!