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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Return of my DD

108 replies

Loz55 · 26/10/2018 19:06

AIBU to think my ex-husband is out of order for not returning our 12 year old daughter home from Florida to the UK after a 4 week visit to him during the summer holidays, even though she says she wants to stay?

OP posts:
Zzz1234 · 26/10/2018 19:44

It depends on what visa her dad has. I went to school in Florida for a few years, not a dual citizen, just British, my parents had e1 visas

Nopuns · 26/10/2018 19:45

Maybe she wants to stay because he's nice. Let her go

upsideup · 26/10/2018 19:46

Why does she not want to come home to you? I suspect you're missing out some crucial infomation here, I've never met any 12 year olds who would just happily not return home to the parent they live without without a really serious reason for not wanting to.
She doesnt just want more holidays in the US and to see her siblings more, she enrolled in a school there, hasnt seen her mum for months and still wants to stay.

Feefeetrixabelle · 26/10/2018 19:46

Can you fly over to see her and talk about it. At 12 her choice should matter.

PurplePenguins · 26/10/2018 19:48

FWIW I think he is BU. Good luck OP xx

QuietContraryMary · 26/10/2018 19:50

YABU to make a random AIBU post about this in late October. School holidays ended in early September, no?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/10/2018 19:50

Have a look at reunite.org

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2018 19:53

Maybe she wants to stay because he’s nice. Let her go

No fucking way. It sounds like he wants a surrogate wife. Can you go and collect your dd? He’s abducted her.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 26/10/2018 19:56

No chance in hell id let her stay there id be bringing her home asap

LizzieBennettDarcy · 26/10/2018 19:57

Can you go and see her in person? Talk to her without Dad being around.

As hard as it is, she may genuinely want to stay with him. You may have to prepare yourself for this.

Original poster
Loz55 · 26/10/2018 19:58

I was advised by the Central Authority (ICACU) in London that it is classed as wrongful retention, even though she has expressed her wish to stay because the U.K. is her habitual residence. Her Dad is also a U.K. citizen with a green card, he moved to Florida in 2011 because he’d started a new relationship.

OP posts:
Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 26/10/2018 20:13

It worries me that she says she wants to stay but not because she loves Florida and the lifestyle out there (or however a child/young teen would describe it) or she has loads of new friends and feels like this is home but instead she wants to help look after her siblings after her fathers relationship has broken down.

That says to me she's worried about dad and feels she's needed there to help out rather than she honestly thinks life is better there.

I might be wrong obviously though.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 20:13

he says she wants to stay to help look after her younger brother and sister. Her Dad is always in the background when I speak with her

Well she would say that wouldn’t she because that’s what he wants.

She obviously wants to please him and it’s sounds like he’s policing her conversations.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 20:14

He obviously wants her to help him look after his other kids which is pretty fucking disgraceful.

Cherries101 · 26/10/2018 20:15

If this were my dd I’d spend less time mumsnetting and more time getting her back. OP is either lying or is missing out a huge chunk of the story.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 20:16

I agree with you Ginky

God knows what shit he’s filled her head with.

Dollymixture22 · 26/10/2018 20:16

So your ex has two children from a new relationship which has broken down. He has custody of these two children and your daughter now also wants to live with him and her half siblings?

Like others have said you need to go to the states and establish what exactly is happening. Does your ex have your daughters best interests at heart, or is she free babysitting? Will she be a child in this household or an au pair? Will he make sure she gets a high quality education, does he have child care arrangements when he is at work? Is he pressurising her into staying?

I would be very concerned about this arrangement.

LynetteScavo · 26/10/2018 20:18

Why haven't you own over and brought her home?

That's what I would have done.

brizzledrizzle · 26/10/2018 20:18

The summer holidays finished weeks and weeks ago, why on earth haven't you got yourself on a plane over there sooner?! If it were my DD I'd have been on the next plane out there

Veganfortheanimals · 26/10/2018 20:19

Beg/ borrow /steal the money and go and get her.

HollowTalk · 26/10/2018 20:21

You'd spend less time mumsnetting? It's Friday night, after 8 o'clock. What exactly can she do at this time?

TheSheepofWallSt · 26/10/2018 20:23

Are you in touch with Reunite, OP? They’re a charity and will be able to handhold, and advise you through this.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2018 20:26

When my parents split up, we ended up with our Dad (Mum's disabled and can't physically look after children) and I ended up being a surrogate Mum to them and stayed with them until they were all over the age of 16 so I didn't really start my life until I was 24.

It worries me that she wants to stay to look after her siblings and that her dad is always in the background. I don't think YABU, yes at this age the child gets a say but it does sound like she's not wanting it for the right reasons.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 26/10/2018 20:28

I would cancel her current passport; get a new one issued and go and get her.
Sounds like classic parental alienation.
Are you in touch with the mother of the younger children?
I presume she wants her own children back.
Perhaps you could join forces

Totallya · 26/10/2018 20:28

Are the other two children the father's from Previous relationship from 2011? How if one is 8?