Why do some parents discipline their children in public places by telling them that “the “man” will throw you out” AIBU?

[Neverplayleapfrogwithaunicorn]

I have noticed this a lot recently in public places where a parents child is behaving in a spirited way (to be polite) and rather than dealing with it themselves, they tell them that “the man will tell you off” or “the man will throw you out”

Usually if my DD is being a unruly somewhere we tend to give her a warning with a consequence.
And if she can’t behave we take her away from the place she is. We have not had to do this since she was really small thankfully xx

AIBU in not understanding why you would put the disciplining on someone else? Or a fictitious person!

Oh jolly good. Another ‘let’s judge other people’s parenting thread
It takes a village and of the village spots you messing up then too right you get judged.

If we judged more and then offered support, we would have better parenting. Instead we say nothing and just judge in our heads. Then we get people moaning about “children today”.

We used to tell ours that 'a man in a white van' would take them away. One day they were kicking off and a white van happened to pull up outside, it did the trick!

Of course we all judge

But this isn’t about judging and being helpful it’s takes a village blah blah this is about letting others know how much better you are at parenting

It’s a good old mn sneery thread

I haven't said someone will take you away or take them away but if they are messing about somewhere I will say that they will be asked to leave as it's true if you mess around in certain places you could be asked to leave.

blackflyinyourchardonnay0
I tend to find idle threats people are the ones who also dislike anyone else stepping in.
The amount of times I've had meetings with parents about pupil behaviour and the parent (Who has repeatedly undermined the school) says 'well what can you do? We've tried everything. We've taken her phone, but she needs it when she goes out. We've tried grounding her, but she has to go to dancing. Etc'. Most of the 'tried everything' equates to said something or threatened It, child has a strop or parents decided it was too much effort.

(It's a shame because when you have meetings with parents at their wits end who really have tried everything and are struggling and we're trying to work together to help the child, it makes you realise that the first scenario is ridiculous).

LettuceP
I agree. Behaviour in context makes perfect sense. E.g. dealing with something in the cinema and telling children they can be thrown out for not behaving / telling chikdren how staff don't expect children treating Costa as their personal play area. Empty threats about random men and ladies or using other people as the threat of discipline doesn't seem logical.

MaisyPops thats it exactly. You can explain to children how their behaviour impacts others and has consequences without passing the job of discipline to other people.

I don’t have a made up man but if my DD continues to play up and completely ignore me then I tell her that the people who work in the shop/ library etc may well tell her off. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and sometimes you need to use what you can to be able to leave without a huge meltdown!

I've done this before in sheer desperation. I have said 'you better come here/be quiet/stop running or the shop man/lady (she doesn't understand the word owner) might tell you off'

My mum also did it with me. Although I do understand it shouldn't be done.

I think it's ridiculous to say it's shit parenting. Lazy, maybe. Did I do it because I'd had no sleep and I was at the end of my tether and knew it would work so I could get out of that situation? Yes.

Some very judgemental people on this thread.

I used to live in China, and Chinese mothers would regularly point to me and say 'if you're naughty, that foreign woman will shout at you.'

A nice touch of racism with your discipline.

I've never ever used the term 'bad man/lady' and I've taught my daughter that the police will always help, and to never be scared of them.

My husband uses this all the time because he doesn't want to say no to our child. More recently it's been Santa's watching! I go mad because I tell him it's him that needs to parents not involve someone else and threaten.
But.. I've also been at the end of my tether having to take my child to the shops and done the same.

Another parenting fail on my part according to the laws of mumsnet.

I'm pretty sure that finding this a wierd and inappropriate thing to do is not just a MN thing.

Obviously it's no where near a major parenting concern and we've all done equally daft/bad/stupid/embarrassing things as parents; but it's fair enough if people don't like it.

I was "the lady" when I worked in retail. I usually just raised my eyebrows a bit and said nothing! I didn't feel the need to tell kids off, but if they thought I'd clocked them, it usually worked. For me it was more that they think you think they're naughty. Usually if we came across kids zooming about or going in & out the fitting rooms or being a bit in the way, we'd just ask them politely to stop or to be careful. No point telling them off if we'd want them to come to us if something happened.

The only exception was kids playing with the mannequins- ours looked like tailors dummies. If mums told their kids the ladies would be cross if we saw them fiddling with mannis or fixtures, we would tell them the cost and also that a manni once fell on a little boy who'd fiddled with it. Politely but clearly a warning.

Boy vs Manni was really btw. Little boy ignored his mum, fiddled with it and pulled it over. His mum apologised, dragged him out in tears and returned with him when he calmed down and made him apologise. Both parties were fine but someone had stabbed themselves with a dress-pin styling the manni one day & bled on the fabric body. From then on this was pointed out to particularly persistent manni-fiddlers as the blood of the last kid who played about!

Oh dear, I have just realised the link between this and elf on the shelf and related stuff.

odd
I saw one on a teaching website where the teacher was wearing a 'santacam'.
Just use classroom management techniques surely?
Most children know how to behave in school.

But this isn’t about judging and being helpful it’s takes a village blah blah this is about letting others know how much better you are at parenting

If you know you’re doing something wrong and someone calls you out on it, it feels shit right?

Just own that feeling. No one is perfect.

My post was pretty light hearted. Yes if someone is causing that much of a disruption then I can ask them to leave, and yes I think children should be told this if misbehaving and ignoring usual techniques - but by their parents or whoever they're with, not me. It shouldn't have to get to the point where I step in.
The ones I get irritated with are the ones who say this repeatedly, but that's it, nothing else. They are also the parents who get huffy and arsey with me when I do have to say something.
I have told children off (say at a function where they are let loose as a gaggle without supervision) when there's no adult present, but usually because they are doing something potentially dangerous. I then go and find an adult that's with them and ask for them to be supervised.

I can imagine how a lot of parents on here would react if their child was legitimately pulled up on their behaviour by someone else.

^this is exactly why I speak to the parents and not the children because it gets people's backs up, even if they themselves are using you as a threat. And yes, when I'm being used like that and in a no win situation, you're right I'll judge! I'm being affected!

I never said I’d let anyone else discipline my child.
I’d remove them from the shop before things got that far.
But it is not unfacfual to point out that if they continued to touch things in the shop they would be told off if I didn’t intervene.
If they continue to run around the edge of the swimming pool, they will be told off by the lifeguard before I intervene.
If they continue to run around a cafe they will be told off if I intervene.

So I really don’t see what the problem is if ds runs at the swimming pool, me saying we don’t run at the pool. The lifeguard is watching you and look at these other people looking at you because you are misbehaving.

If you continue then we will leave.
Strike two and we are out.

Really don’t see how this is the pinnacle of poor/misguided/lazy parenting and how this makes me thick.

It’s pointing out why it’s wrong, it’s pointing out the impact on other people, and im (not anyone else) follwing through with a consequence If the poor behaviour continues.

But you know what if I did see a worn out looking mum with couple of babies/children, trying to get to the checkout with a pint of milk, and all she simply said to child is the lady will tell you off, I couldn’t be arsed to judge on it.

Who knows that else is going on for her. Parenting is shit at times and all you want to do is a necessary small task, (milk in for your kids), and you have sneery know it alls labelling you as thick as lazy.

*typo they will be told off if i don’t Intervene.

If you know you’re doing something wrong and someone calls you out on it, it feels shit right?

. It’s not wrong. It’s just an opinion that it’s wrong.

blackflyinyourchardonnay0
I don't think your situation is comparable to the random man/lady.
You're dealing with your child's actions AND pointing out there are expectations in certain places where others may get involved.

Whereas the woman I described in town was threatening to leave, coming back, making lots of empty threads, commenting to the child about us lot (random shoppers) and then invented a fictional nasty man who would come for the child and the child wouldn't like it.
(And then gave the child the thing they'd said no to which was what started the whole thing )
I can't get on board with threatening random strangers to children.

Well I don’t agree with petrifying kids about strangers to bribe them to behave.
But mostly it isn’t parents making up the bogey man stranger will get you if you don’t behave.
Mostly it’s just the staff are watching you. Stop this now or we will have to leave.
But in desperation we have all done something less than ideal and you don’t know someone else’s circumstances.

I have gave ds sweets in desperation in the supermarket before to pacify him.
Not a parenting technique. Not recommended. Not something I’d do all the time.
But in that moment, having just miscarried and feeling totally not up to dealing with his toddler tantrum and Foul mood that day, all I wanted to do was get through the checkout without dying from disapproval at all of the tutting and disapproving looks.

Agree with a Pp, all these people saying "the lady will shout at you and be cross" would lose their shit if the lady was cross!!

Hence why I would always ask a child to stop and couch it as a safety concern- much better someone thanked me and mouthed "sorry" than went full on dragon caused I'd yelled at their DC, rightly or not!!

I used to do it because it was true - if they shouted or whatever in the restaurant, the manager WOULD have asked us to leave.

The point is making the children think what their behaviour looks like to an outside person.

Own what feeling exactly? Guilt, shame embarrassment?

I haven’t said if I do or do not use such threats