Why do some parents discipline their children in public places by telling them that “the “man” will throw you out” AIBU?

[Neverplayleapfrogwithaunicorn]

I have noticed this a lot recently in public places where a parents child is behaving in a spirited way (to be polite) and rather than dealing with it themselves, they tell them that “the man will tell you off” or “the man will throw you out”

Usually if my DD is being a unruly somewhere we tend to give her a warning with a consequence.
And if she can’t behave we take her away from the place she is. We have not had to do this since she was really small thankfully xx

AIBU in not understanding why you would put the disciplining on someone else? Or a fictitious person!

Exchange it for ‘Wait until your father gets home’. It’s a parenting tactic as old as time. Don’t let it ruin your day.

I think as long as it's accurate, it's not shit parenting. If someone will come over and tell your children off, then that's a consequence of their behaviour.

On the flip side, if it's like saying "right, you'll get no birthday/Christmas presents" then that's shit parenting (unless you're actually not going to give your child a single present!).

The number of times I've heard a parent say "right, this, that & the other isn't happening" & 5 minutes later it is makes me so irritated. Say it but carry it through otherwise, don't bother. 🙄

I hate it, always wanted to say “no I won’t” when I was “the lady” but too scaredy-cat IRL.

I only use shop staff to make the lads behave in shops by pointing out it’s unkind to give them more work “don’t move those, making a mess for the men and ladies who work here is mean, put it back”. It appears there are lots of adults who never got told this.

I think parents who make their kids needlessly scared of police officers are daft, surely you tell them to find a police officer in case they get lost at a big event?

I'm a GP and have more than once had a parent say I'll give the child an injection if they don't sit quietly really helpful.

I work in retail and see this all the time. Most of the time I just smile at the child but I have been known to say ‘no I won’t, I’m not here to tell you off’ and then smile. It really just annoy me when parents do this. It’s lazy parenting.

@TheStoic when I was little, my mums friend used to say that but she actually meant it! He was a really naughty boy & my friends dad was really fierce!

Now however, 40 odd years later he's a lovely man and my sons godfather! I'm still a little bit scared of his dad but he's nice really! 😂

I am a waitress and get this all the time. It really pisses me off. Ffs parent your own children! It really is lazy parenting.
With my kids I make threats that I am able to follow through, a couple of times we've left things early and they soon learn.

Oh jolly good. Another ‘let’s judge other people’s parenting thread’

I did it all the time when DDs were little. Clearly, I would tell them off for unruly behaviour also, but the threat of a stranger doing so really worked. It lets them know that other people are observing their behaviour and gives them an awareness of their impact on others.

It appears there are lots of adults who never got told this

Exactly. You can tell the adults around who weren't told this when they were young. No awareness of other people at all.

Not really sure how it’s actually that inaccurate tbh.
If I go into a shop and behave inappropriately, the staff will ask me to leave.
So when ds starts to misbehave in a shop - touching things or running, I will point out his behaviour, tell him to stop, and that the man or lady is watching you and will tell you off if you continue.
Which is correct if he continued to touch things I’d expect that the staff member would tell him to stop. Of course I would take him out if he continued to misbehave before it got to the point of another adult having to intervene.
But i don’t think it does any harm to point out to a child that others are observing them, and they would reprimand them if required for misbehaving in a shop.

Not sure why people like to be so judgy about it.
And if I’m not very bright, then fine. What ever. Do judge away.

I agree, blackfly.

Encouraging awareness of others is definitely important but I don't understand how the idea that a random person is going to tell them off is doing that? Of course it's good to explain that their behaviour impacts others around them and may annoy people/result in getting asked to leave. But why make staff into scary people who go around telling children off? I would say that a parent who does this majorly lacks awareness for the member of staff that they are using to try and scare their children.

It's externalising the locus of control and acknowledging to your child that they don't have to obey you. Lazy parenting.

When you throw in the dangers of making your child afraid of people they may need to approach such as teachers, police or security guards, it's truly shit parenting.

You can tell the adults around who weren't told this when they were young. No awareness of other people at all. is completely arse-backwards. It's rude as fuck to the random strangers around you, the cast majority of whom do not want to be spoken about loudly, called 'nasty', assumed to be a childsnatcher, or generally have any role in your child's discipline.

Other people do have a role in your child's discipline. It's called living in a society. They don't grow up in a bubble where only parents can tell them off and no-one else sees or comments on what they are doing.

I can imagine how a lot of parents on here would react if their child was legitimately pulled up on their behaviour by someone else.

I used to tell my lad that Dennis the huge spider lived under the bed (accompanied by scratching noises on the bed frame) and that only I could control him. This would keep him in bed a little longer sometimes. He was nervously excited rather than afraid. Whilst he does now keep piles of conkers in his room, he happily catches and repatriates spiders outdoors. I leave them be personally.

Can be 'the lady' too. Used to get it in the library where I worked - most were very well behaved but some children would charge around screaming (we weren't supposed to say anything) and the wet, pathetic parent would say, 'Don't do that, or 'the lady' will be cross.'

Not 'Don't do that, because we don't run around screaming in libraries.'

And of course it was 'the lady' who'd be cross, not nice kind (wet pathetic) Mummy, who was never cross.

Plus of course because she was a wet, pathetic Mummy the kids would completely ignore her anyway. And I can almost guarantee that she'd give me that helpless, 'What can you do?' look.

acknowledging to your child that they don't have to obey you.

My son is not even 2.5 yet and already we both know he doesn’t have to obey me. He responds well to “favourite toy is going to London” (that’s where daddy goes away for work) and timeout though so we don’t need “the man” yet but the idea of reflexive obedience and natural feared parental authority is not one we recognise.

I don’t think “the nasty man” is an appropriate threat (although I have to say, I’ve never, ever heard that) but I do I think sometimes it’s appropriate to say person x, y or z will tell you off as it’s often true when you’re in someone else’s space,so if you’re in a shop and you break something the person who works there WILL rightly be cross. I think it can be a way of helping kids understand social norms and that different people/ places have different rules and you have to respect them - behaviour isn’t just about what your parent thinks is/ isn’t okay.

shearwater I wouldn't let my children's behaviour get bad enough that a stranger would have to tell them off.

Generally people don't want to discipline other people's children, especially when they don't know them. They also don't want to be used as a parenting aid for lazy parents.

Oh no it’s awful

It’s most probably used by those who don’t really know how to parent

Probably unmarried mothers who are struggling to cope

If only they would educate themselves better on how to be a better parent they would soon become a better person

Timewounds but he does need to obey you sometimes - 'favourite toy going to London' isn't much consolation to anyone if DC has stepped out in front of a wagon!!

Timewounds but he does need to obey you sometimes - 'favourite toy going to London' isn't much consolation to anyone if DC has stepped out in front of a wagon

That’s what reins are for. Although tbh he has developed a quite healthy fear of cars lately. I’m pretty sure he will transfer from “physically restrained” to “obeys internal fear of cars” without an intermediary “obeys mummy on command”.

I don't get how it is more effective to say the waitress with make us leave rather than we will have to leave because it isn't fair to the other people eating (for example). You don't have to make other people sound like the baddies to model and express respectful social behaviour. I know we have different ways of doing things and different capabilities but I don't see how it is easier.

I do judge those who make police officers out to be the scary ones though, that is just dangerous and wrong.